Every night since my surgery I have had a panic attack.
I wake up in a sweat and run to check on Ryder. Last night woke up my hubby to come be with me. He’s been sleeping on the couch so I can sprawl out.
This has made me worry that they wont go away. Every month when I pee on a stick and its negative I am devastated. I am starting to wonder if its a sign.
That our family is complete. We want another baby so bad but can I go threw the stress. I will be 38 if I get pregnant right now. In a few more months I would be 39 and having a baby.
The statistics and odds are stacked against me. How does one know when to give up? 7 months is a long time to not be pregnant.
I’m torn. I’m feeling very emotional tonight and once again need a hug.
I forgot to do my check in on Tuesday. Probably because I was so stressed and worried about little bean..
- Went to my subsequent pregnancy group on the wed instead of Thursday but was alone with the facilitator because the last remaining girl had plans that night
- Thursday saw my OB filled out all that paperwork with the girl who i’m assuming was a nurse that was helping her out. That was hard because she wanted to know all the same information that my Dr already has. Plus the hospital in Hamilton already has this info too. She asked me about my loss, why, how, how long etc. Then asked about heart problems in the family. Boy where do I start? Talked about my mom and her dying and I could tell that the girl was so very sad for me. She kept saying I’m sorry and looking down. All my blood work came back A’OK and there was no problems with little bean.
- Friday went for a 2 hour Glucose test to screen for Gestational Diabetes , this test isn’t usually done at 22 weeks but because I had it before they want to make sure I don’t now. I gladly went in for it, and had a chance to finish up my book. The blood work part wasn’t fun, they can’t ever find a vein so it’s always painful and traumatic
- I also visited with my cousin Jenn and my aunt for a little bit at their store. It was nice to see Jenn even if it wasn’t for very long and they were super busy
- Didn’t do much of anything on the weekend just watched some movies and lazed around the house
- Monday woke up with the blood situation and spent the next 24 hours worrying
- Tuesday had the US at 2 and was relived to find out everything was perfect and measuring on time
Today I need to do laundry but I have no energy at all to do it. Tried to have a grilled cheese but it’s not agreeing with me. I might go down to the library and see if I can find a good book to read. No plans at all for the weekend which is nothing new.
Missing you like crazy, and of course my mom too :(
I love you now and forever
I’m so very tired.. I haven’t slept yet because I was so very worried about your sibling last night.. I woke up yesterday morning and had some blood in the toilet. The ONE time I didn’t wipe then check, I saw it. I went white, started crying and I swear my heart stopped.
I then tried to call the OB’s office, but she didn’t call me back, so I called the emergency line again no answer. Turns out I didn’t hit the # key cause finally she did call me back and I talked to her. She said not to worry unless I had cramping, or bleeding heavy. Easier said than done, she then told me that she would set up and Ultrasound for me if I wanted to be seen sooner. I decided to wait till today, big mistake. I was so scared last night.. I slept for like 10 minutes and had a dream about my mom and your auntie Maggie. We were at the Ultrasound office and a whole bunch of people were with us cheering me on to drink water.
Finally at 2 today I had the US done with a lady named Nancy, who I told I loved after she said Oh there is a nice heartbeat. I was so very worried and hate hate hate that I felt like that. I couldn’t stop crying of course even before she told me that then It was way worse.
The heartbeat was 177 or 179 I don’t remember which but strong. And she said I was measuring above the due date so whoo hoo. The photo isn’t clear because my bladder wasn’t full and I was moving around a lot but still we got one. I will get another on Monday when we go to the Maternal/Fetal Medicine Centre at McMaster. I have to be there for 7:30am..
I have been really really missing my mom especially today. I needed to talk to her, and have her reassure me it was all going to be okay.
I would appreciate it if you would hug and kiss her for me..
I love you now and forever
We brought your bear to group last night. It amazes me that this little soft bear, has YOUR heartbeat in it. How is that possible, that you no longer have this heartbeat, but this bear does?
How is my heart still beating? It is so broken one would think there wouldn’t be room for it to beat. How is it that I get up every day? That I put clothes on, brush my teeth and go about the day.
Group was very emotional to say the least. It was harder to HEAR the stories than to share ours. Each time someone who start to talk, my heart would break a little bit more for them. I did feel like I wasn’t really clear on my story and regret telling it like I did. It shouldn’t have been about blaming anyone. It should have been about how perfect and beautiful you were. We also shared your beautiful photo. It meant a lot to me to be able to do this.
It was so emotional and gut wrenching talking about you in the past tense. To talk about my pregnancy and how much you meant to us. To see everyone’s child to put a name to their face was tragic. To know that these poor people were in this same room as us because their baby had died, was too much. I couldn’t do my check out last night (something we do at the end of the evening). I just couldn’t. I appreciate and cherish each and everyone of these poor parents who bravely shared their children. I wanted to tell them this. To thank them, but I couldn’t. My heart was racing, I felt horrible. My chest felt like someone was sitting on it, and I thought I would die right then and there.
We had planned on hearing your heartbeat inside this bear, but I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t press that button. Too much too soon. I am so worried that I won’t be able to ever press it again, or that if I do it won’t work anymore. Is there a back up? When will I be able to watch the dvd of you on it when you were alive and so happy listening to Aerosmith music in my tummy?
Is it wrong that I want to already become friends with everyone in group? That I imagine them coming over on the weekends for bbq’s or us going over there? What is wrong with me that I feel like I have to be so needy. What if they don’t even like us? What if I am the person they dread hearing from? At least I made good cupcakes..
We came home and had a long talk and cry, and wished that things were different. Neither of us slept very well and it was way into the wee hours before I even attempted it. So I didn’t go into my OB appointment today. I called and cancelled it late last night. It wasn’t important she was going to give us paperwork for the fertility clinic.
I’m holding on to a glimmer of hope that we don’t need that paperwork. Not that we can ever afford to drop that kind of money. I’d have to sell a lot of books first.
I feel bad I don’t have more mementos for you. I haven’t finished the big expensive baby book I started for you. There isn’t any frame photos on the walls of you. I don’t have a necklace, or bracelet with your name on it. Does this make me a bad mommy?
People have told me that this book I’m writing, and having your feet print tattooed on my arm is a beautiful tribute to you.
I just feel like I should be doing more. Especially for this upcoming Friday. It will be six months. Six months!! And of course like six months ago it is a holiday. This time instead of Thanksgiving it is Easter. Another big holiday. Another holiday we spend alone.
I hate being alone when it matters the most. I should be out buying skipping ropes, candy and girly items for you. I should be cooking a big meal and worrying about if everything will be perfect. Instead we will be alone again. I want to do something special for you to honor your memory. Someone suggested planting flowers, although I don’t plan on staying at this house long enough to see them grow. I thought about planting a tree in the park (do i need a permit to do this?). I need to do something other than sit at home and feel sorry for myself.
If we were up north we would be spending time with family. My mom’s family is the best. You would have loved it at Uncle Danny’s. I learned how to cook at his house. My Nana and I would make peorgies (my favourite food ever), cabbage rolls, and meat sticks days beforehand. My mom and uncle Danny would make the desserts and someone would bring a ham. Then this huge turkey would be cooked the day of and more food than anyone could ever eat. There would be a lot of us though. My mom had 10 brothers and sisters living and they would all bring their families. It would be awesome to be around my cousin’s and be included in the adult activities.
After supper we would always play cards. It would start out for fun, then by the end of the night money would be involved. Slowly we would all go home, but I always stayed the night. The next day (no matter how old I got) there would be an Easter egg hunt.
Looking back at those memories it makes me long for home. Long for the time in my life when I was happy. When cooking for an army of people (even at the tender age of 12) was something I knew could make me happy. Now I don’t have anyone but your daddy to cook for. We don’t have any place to go. Nothing to do. No plans. Sigh.
Whatever I do, it will be meaningful. Because your life, however short it was, meant something.
I love you now and forever,