The Doctors TV Show
Today on the Doctors a baby loss mom friend Jessica and her husband were on it talking about their losses.
Yes losses. Not just 1 stillborn baby, but another born too soon that did not live. Heartbreaking enough, but they now have a daughter Pheobe who is the light of their lives.
I am so proud that she shared her story with the world. this is my goal in life. To never stop talking about Leia. To talk about our pregnancy journey.
Here are 2 clips to watch:
They are so right about taking a subsequent pregnancy day by day, sometimes moment by moment. The end result is so worth it. A hard as my pregnancy with Ryder was, I can NOT wait to do it again.
I know it was 2 years ago today that you left us. I felt it in my soul that you could no longer fight to stay alive. I hope and pray you felt no pain. Tomorrow will mark 2 years since hearing those words nobody ever wants to hear “I’m sorry there is no heart beat”.
It’s all been such a confusing emotional roller coaster. One I can’t bring myself to admit is real. Is this real life? I never dreamed that I’d be forced to endure this much heartache and pain.
I have been putting on a brave face, pretending that I’m okay for far too long. I am not okay. I am hurt and angry. I am angry that when I needed my family the most, they let me down. I am angry that my beautiful little girl left me far too soon. I am sad, broken, and emotionally spent. I live in consent fear that something will happen to Ryder. Fear that we will never get to hold another baby of our own.
I have regrets for not listening to my gut, for trusting the midwife. For listening to her say “as long as you aren’t bleeding there is no reason to worry”. That comment is so far from the truth. For not holding you longer, after you were handed to me. For not taking a million photos, for not touching your hair, for not looking at your feet.
But I also feel blessed, and happy. Like I said SO many emotions. I am happy to be your mom. To have had you in my life for as long as I did, even if it was for the shortest time possible. I am happy that it’s made me a stronger, better person. I am a better Mommy to Ryder now. I don’t take things for granted. I am more patient, more understanding of mistakes. Does this make any sense?
Now this all being said, I’d trade it all for you to be here with us. I want to throw you the best 2 year birthday party ever. I want to be the person you talk to when your heart is broken by your first boyfriend. I want to help you get ready for prom, for your wedding. Be with you when your children are born. Of course none of this will happen.
Instead I see you live on in Ryder. He talks to you, and sees you. I am sure of it. He looks around his room, talks, and smiles at nothing. He stares at the same spot by the rocking chair daily, and waves to it.
I know you are watching out for us. I can feel you and my mom together making plans for how to keep us safe. For this I thank you.
I love you so much Leia. I promise that I will never stop loving you. That I won’t give up hope that one day we will meet again.
One giant knot of a mess….
I decided to get my hair cut a few days ago. It was really a long time coming and I don’t regret it at all. I needed a change and it was so thick and long I couldn’t do anything with it.
My husband dropped me off at the hair dresser that I had a coupon for. Not the place I normally would have chose but heck it was cheap enough.
I guess you get what you pay for. My hair cut is very nice, but the hair dresser. OMG If I had a pair of scissors I would have cut her.
I was feeling emotional as it was, about cutting my hair and about turning 37 (which let’s face it almost 40). I wasn’t in the mood to chit chat. She asked why I was cutting my hair, I said my son pulls on it and I really just want a change. She said Oh you are a new mom I can tell.
Of course I couldn’t just let it go. I said well I’m a new mom to a child on earth. But our daughter passed away when I was 35 weeks. Silence.
Then a few minutes later she started the usual questions. Why did she die? What happened? Oh Yes my sister’s best friends cousin’s mother had a miscarriage. I answered the best I could and smiled politely when she said those words I hate “Everything happens for a reason”. Honestly. If her 1st born was ripped from her body never to be seen again, would she be saying those words?
She then said her daughter’s delivery was terrible. Oh did her child die? NO then why are telling me this? She said because she had hard labour she doesn’t want to have another child. But she will tell her it’s okay to try again since we obviously were strong enough to do it. Okay she got points for that one.
Then she said something about SIDS and that the babies that die from SIDS are meant to die. Umm what??? I wanted to scream. She had the scissors so I said nothing. NOTHING. Then I said Well it is a very scary reality and after what we have been through the worry is always there. She back tracked and started on a new topic. Okay good finally back to a normal conversation.
Then a few minutes later she said something about we should have a daughter now that we have a son. And then went on to give me advice about how if you stop trying to get pregnant you will. Like it’s just that easy.
I did say we have a daughter, and having another will not replace her. Yes we would love our son to have a sibling but it doesn’t matter the sex as long as they are healthy.
I love talking about Leia, and do it honestly. BUT that being said I don’t need to be told she died because she was meant to. I’ve heard it way too many times. It’s not fair and a very mean thing to say to someone EVER.
It’s my own fault for bring it up. I don’t want to ever lie so maybe the solution is to avoid the question all together. I could have said I want a hair cut because I have headaches, or I’m tired of the knots. All true statements.
This grief thing really sucks. It’s a never ending roller coaster. People see me with Ryder and always ask if he is my first. ALWAYS. Then I can’t lie. I can’t even say no he’s not and leave it at that. I’ve tried. Then they ask about our other child. I’ve said We had a daughter and we have a daughter. Then how old? I say she would be a year and a half. Almost 2.
It’s all one big giant knot of a mess. In hind sight I should have just kept the long hair. It’s a metaphor of my life.
What a Grieving Mother Really Thinks
Hello old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please
Don’t look away
And change the subject
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people said, “My, she is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me..
My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see,
everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say—
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart. ♥
I Stand in a crowd of people
Yet I am all alone
They look right past me
I feel so alone
Nobody sees my broken heart
Because I stand alone
They don’t know my story
I am very much alone
Mothers, fathers and families pass by me
But I’m alone
If I ran away would it really matter
After all I am alone
Who in this great big world
Can make me feel less alone
I spot that person among the crowd
Suddenly I am no longer alone
He grabs my hand and says let’s go home
We leave together
© Angela Williams
I still havent found anything to bring tomorrow. I have been stressing at it, and having panic attacks. Going into that small room, facing the 9 other people will be very hard. How can I say those words out loud?
I talk about you all the time. So many people know our story. But its different saying it. If we go and bring something, and then tell people you died, its real.
I have been threw so much, done so much. This shouldnt be so hard. It is the point of the group. Im just so terrifed.
I love you now and forever
While looking for something to bring to group on Tuesday, I came across your heartbeat bear. Breaking down in the nursery isnt something new, but it was different. I pressed the bears stomach and heard that wonderful sound. The tears came slowly, then I remembered. The reality of the situation was too much for me to handle. I grabbed the little booties and put them to my face. They didnt smell like anything at all. I turned them inside out, and saw they had black stains on them. Ink marks, I quicky realized. From your feetprints. My heart stopped, I couldnt breath I had picked up these booties countless times. Why hadnt I ever done this before. How could I not know. I looked at your yellow dress they had you in, and turned it inside out too. It had brown stains on it. Blood. This did it for me. I crumbled in a ball, and cried. I still havent found something to bring. A photo won’t do. None of those pieces of clothing will work either. I dont have a connection to anything special. Everything in this house reminds me of you, how can we choose? I have till Tuesday, but it does not seem like enough time. I said I was going to make cupcakes for the group. Of course I did. When things get bad, I cook. I love you now and forever Mommy Xxoo
I’m actually far from fine. Today has been one of those I dont want to get out of bed days. I knew I shouldn’t have. But I haven’t been to acupuncture all week and felt like I should venture out into the real world.
I always had this six sense thing that happens. I can tell when something bad is happening or about to happen even before it does. I know who’s on the phone and why they are calling (most of the time). If I saw something out loud then it comes true. Let’s say I haven’t talked to your Nana in a while, I’ll say “Oh my mom hasn’t called. I should call her.” Then the phone will ring and it will be her. It is especially true when Bad things are going on.
Like when we lost you. I knew it. I had no reason to think this at all. No signs at all. But I just had that feeling. Today I had the feeling again when I woke up. I got out of bed and before I even had time to get dressed I knew something was wrong.
I can’t compare today to the day we lost you, but the feeling was the same. It’s always been there with me. Mostly with bad things. Sometimes I think that I have the power to make these bad things happen. Like you died because I told the midwife I thought you were going to. I also told your Aunt Rebecca this 3 weeks before anything was even wrong. Even at your 3-d ultrasound I asked them not to start it right away just in case.
It’s so sad that I live in a world that it’s the norm to feel this way. To expect the worst. Especially now. I feel so tired. Tired of it all. I can’t believe anymore that anything good will ever happen again. How can it?
I’m so sad today and lonely. I feel like your daddy blames me for today’s set back. If he doesn’t then he should. This is my fault. It is all my fault.
I can’t be a positive person when so many bad things always happen. What have I done to deserve this. People don’t get it. They can’t. Not unless they have walked in our shoes. Had to deal with all the problems. Especially lately.
Life is too hard. I am tired of it. I’m tired of fighting the good fight just to end up where we were 6 months ago. When will it get better? Why hasn’t it yet?
I do need to take a break. A real one. From everything and everyone. I wish I could just wake up from this awful nightmare that has became my life.
I love you Leia