One giant knot of a mess….
I decided to get my hair cut a few days ago. It was really a long time coming and I don’t regret it at all. I needed a change and it was so thick and long I couldn’t do anything with it.
My husband dropped me off at the hair dresser that I had a coupon for. Not the place I normally would have chose but heck it was cheap enough.
I guess you get what you pay for. My hair cut is very nice, but the hair dresser. OMG If I had a pair of scissors I would have cut her.
I was feeling emotional as it was, about cutting my hair and about turning 37 (which let’s face it almost 40). I wasn’t in the mood to chit chat. She asked why I was cutting my hair, I said my son pulls on it and I really just want a change. She said Oh you are a new mom I can tell.
Of course I couldn’t just let it go. I said well I’m a new mom to a child on earth. But our daughter passed away when I was 35 weeks. Silence.
Then a few minutes later she started the usual questions. Why did she die? What happened? Oh Yes my sister’s best friends cousin’s mother had a miscarriage. I answered the best I could and smiled politely when she said those words I hate “Everything happens for a reason”. Honestly. If her 1st born was ripped from her body never to be seen again, would she be saying those words?
She then said her daughter’s delivery was terrible. Oh did her child die? NO then why are telling me this? She said because she had hard labour she doesn’t want to have another child. But she will tell her it’s okay to try again since we obviously were strong enough to do it. Okay she got points for that one.
Then she said something about SIDS and that the babies that die from SIDS are meant to die. Umm what??? I wanted to scream. She had the scissors so I said nothing. NOTHING. Then I said Well it is a very scary reality and after what we have been through the worry is always there. She back tracked and started on a new topic. Okay good finally back to a normal conversation.
Then a few minutes later she said something about we should have a daughter now that we have a son. And then went on to give me advice about how if you stop trying to get pregnant you will. Like it’s just that easy.
I did say we have a daughter, and having another will not replace her. Yes we would love our son to have a sibling but it doesn’t matter the sex as long as they are healthy.
I love talking about Leia, and do it honestly. BUT that being said I don’t need to be told she died because she was meant to. I’ve heard it way too many times. It’s not fair and a very mean thing to say to someone EVER.
It’s my own fault for bring it up. I don’t want to ever lie so maybe the solution is to avoid the question all together. I could have said I want a hair cut because I have headaches, or I’m tired of the knots. All true statements.
This grief thing really sucks. It’s a never ending roller coaster. People see me with Ryder and always ask if he is my first. ALWAYS. Then I can’t lie. I can’t even say no he’s not and leave it at that. I’ve tried. Then they ask about our other child. I’ve said We had a daughter and we have a daughter. Then how old? I say she would be a year and a half. Almost 2.
It’s all one big giant knot of a mess. In hind sight I should have just kept the long hair. It’s a metaphor of my life.
What a Grieving Mother Really Thinks
Hello old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please
Don’t look away
And change the subject
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people said, “My, she is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me..
My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see,
everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say—
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart. ♥
I Stand in a crowd of people
Yet I am all alone
They look right past me
I feel so alone
Nobody sees my broken heart
Because I stand alone
They don’t know my story
I am very much alone
Mothers, fathers and families pass by me
But I’m alone
If I ran away would it really matter
After all I am alone
Who in this great big world
Can make me feel less alone
I spot that person among the crowd
Suddenly I am no longer alone
He grabs my hand and says let’s go home
We leave together
© Angela Williams
I still havent found anything to bring tomorrow. I have been stressing at it, and having panic attacks. Going into that small room, facing the 9 other people will be very hard. How can I say those words out loud?
I talk about you all the time. So many people know our story. But its different saying it. If we go and bring something, and then tell people you died, its real.
I have been threw so much, done so much. This shouldnt be so hard. It is the point of the group. Im just so terrifed.
I love you now and forever
While looking for something to bring to group on Tuesday, I came across your heartbeat bear. Breaking down in the nursery isnt something new, but it was different. I pressed the bears stomach and heard that wonderful sound. The tears came slowly, then I remembered. The reality of the situation was too much for me to handle. I grabbed the little booties and put them to my face. They didnt smell like anything at all. I turned them inside out, and saw they had black stains on them. Ink marks, I quicky realized. From your feetprints. My heart stopped, I couldnt breath I had picked up these booties countless times. Why hadnt I ever done this before. How could I not know. I looked at your yellow dress they had you in, and turned it inside out too. It had brown stains on it. Blood. This did it for me. I crumbled in a ball, and cried. I still havent found something to bring. A photo won’t do. None of those pieces of clothing will work either. I dont have a connection to anything special. Everything in this house reminds me of you, how can we choose? I have till Tuesday, but it does not seem like enough time. I said I was going to make cupcakes for the group. Of course I did. When things get bad, I cook. I love you now and forever Mommy Xxoo
I’m actually far from fine. Today has been one of those I dont want to get out of bed days. I knew I shouldn’t have. But I haven’t been to acupuncture all week and felt like I should venture out into the real world.
I always had this six sense thing that happens. I can tell when something bad is happening or about to happen even before it does. I know who’s on the phone and why they are calling (most of the time). If I saw something out loud then it comes true. Let’s say I haven’t talked to your Nana in a while, I’ll say “Oh my mom hasn’t called. I should call her.” Then the phone will ring and it will be her. It is especially true when Bad things are going on.
Like when we lost you. I knew it. I had no reason to think this at all. No signs at all. But I just had that feeling. Today I had the feeling again when I woke up. I got out of bed and before I even had time to get dressed I knew something was wrong.
I can’t compare today to the day we lost you, but the feeling was the same. It’s always been there with me. Mostly with bad things. Sometimes I think that I have the power to make these bad things happen. Like you died because I told the midwife I thought you were going to. I also told your Aunt Rebecca this 3 weeks before anything was even wrong. Even at your 3-d ultrasound I asked them not to start it right away just in case.
It’s so sad that I live in a world that it’s the norm to feel this way. To expect the worst. Especially now. I feel so tired. Tired of it all. I can’t believe anymore that anything good will ever happen again. How can it?
I’m so sad today and lonely. I feel like your daddy blames me for today’s set back. If he doesn’t then he should. This is my fault. It is all my fault.
I can’t be a positive person when so many bad things always happen. What have I done to deserve this. People don’t get it. They can’t. Not unless they have walked in our shoes. Had to deal with all the problems. Especially lately.
Life is too hard. I am tired of it. I’m tired of fighting the good fight just to end up where we were 6 months ago. When will it get better? Why hasn’t it yet?
I do need to take a break. A real one. From everything and everyone. I wish I could just wake up from this awful nightmare that has became my life.
I love you Leia
“A Pair of Shoes”
“A Pair of Shoes”
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.