Growth and acceptance
Something happened today that made me realize just how much I’ve grown in the last 2 years. I am very very proud of how I handled a really crappy situation, and that in it’s self says a lot about the person I am now.
I went to a baby show, where vendors new and old sell stuff. You enter draws, browse and there is usually a free photo. Last weekend we went to the vibrant living show and won a door prize, and a prize from a vendor. I am hoping someone calls us tomorrow to say we won something. But if not then I know that how I acted today is a win.
I knew going in that there was a slim chance I would see the midwife that we had (and whom I hold accountable partly for Leia’s death) at the show. I know she isn’t allowed to practice but can still assist the other midwives, and be part of this new place. She got fired from her old job, and did loose her license. She had to go back to school and do a LOT of stuff before getting it back, so I doubt she has it this soon. I hate this woman. With a passion. For a year, I had nightmares about her final words to me - “as long as you aren’t bleeding then there is no need to worry”.
2 days later my daughter was pronounced dead and I would start the journey of bringing her into the world. 3 days from the day that I went into the office with worry and doubt that she would survive. 3 days from the day we heard her heartbeat and the other midwife would tell me I was being foolish to worry. 3 days from her also saying that she could give me an ultrasound but it was unnecessary. I begged for it, but she didn’t get me in that day or give me an non stress test. She didn’t call the hospital, but sent us home to do it. When we called they gave us a hard time and said that it’s not our job to book them, but in fact the midwife. I’ll call her C. TFB (Her name starts with a T but i think you can figure out that I’m referring to her as The F**king B*&ch) is the one we saw today.
Friday Sept 30 2011 was the last time I heard my daughter’s heartbeat. I left the office still uneasy and worried. I didn’t believe C when she told me that she was fine. No reason to be upset. I cried. Saturday Oct 1st 2011 I called TFB who was my primary midwife to tell her I was still worried. That I had a bad feeling. That I wasn’t feeling much movement. She told me those words. No blood no worry. Ultrasound isn’t important.
Monday Oct 3rd 2011 at 2:10 pm we were told that our first child, the love of our lives was dead. No heartbeat. No reason. No life. No perfect ending. It wasn’t until Thursday Oct 6th 2011 at 4:23 pm she was ‘born’. Born after death. Breech. No cries.
That’s a WHOLE lot of time to carry a dead baby inside of me, a lot of time on the L^D floor. A lot of time to hear other babies be born. TFB did try to come to be with us. I refused. I screamed something about her murdering Leia. That I was going to murder her. I don’t really recall.
She truly was a very very horrible person. NO bedside manner. Was never friendly to us. I asked to switch to an OB after our 2nd meeting because of this. If you know me IRL you know that I love everyone. There is not 1 person I can think of that I don’t click with. Except her. Even C, I can’t be really mad at her fully because she was doing her ‘job’ although she needed to do it better. Now it’s hard for me to say this because maybe just maybe we went to the ultrasound on Friday, and Leia was still alive. Maybe they did a NST and she passed. Chances are she wouldn’t have and still died. She wasn’t growing properly. Proof when she was delivered silently at only 4 lbs. Almost 37 weeks pregnant the same gestation that I was with Ryder Who was almost 7 lbs.
I was robbed of the chance to ever truly know. I will live with the what if’s , should have, and what did I do wrong’s forever. What if we went
Today TFB was at the show. Right in front of the booth of my favorite people at my moms group. I spent a lot of time talking to the woman there, and was staring down TFB. But not once did I want/need to leave. Not once did I feel like I was going to have a panic attack, or feel the need to go gouge her eyes out.
She sat alone at her booth, with very few people going to talk to her. Once she made eye contact with me and smiled. She was walking around as we were, and headed to the bathroom. I was heading there myself. It took EVERYTHING for me not to go in at the same time. To talk to her, ask her if she regrets telling me this. If she was sorry. I didn’t even think to go dunk her head in the toilet or beat her to death. That sounds like a job but honestly I thought about nothing more for year.
I have seen her before, in hindsight it was the day after Ryder was born at the same hospital as his sister. She was walking around with another midwife from this new clinic having a tour. I didn’t realize it was her until the other time we saw her. We only met in person 2 times during my pregnancy, I saw C more often and also a girl L. I wanted nothing more than to see an OB but there was always some excuse. It wasn’t until I finally freaked out that I was just delivering my baby alone in a field that they got me to see one. But I never got to see her until that Monday after the fact, because my appointment was the next week.
Anyways, I didn’t talk to her today. TFB stood there in front of me and I did nothing. It doesn’t matter if she told me she was sorry. She might not be. It would be worse if she told me she wasn’t, or didn’t remember Leia. So I didn’t do it.
Finishing my facilitator training for BFO has helped me with acceptance. I’m not over my grief. I have accepted that it is part of me. That it is okay if I have a bad day, or even if I have a good day. I’ve grown, and today has proved it. I have spent far too long being angry. It’s time to be happy.
That awkward moment where someone tells you that the pain will get easier to deal with as Ryder gets older.
That Leia would want me to be happy, and that Ryder doesn’t need to see me cry.
UMMMM I don’t want him to grow up thinking that it’s okay to forget about his sister. That it’s NOT okay to cry. To show emotions.
Leia would want to be alive. The pain IS easier to ‘deal’ with, to hide. But will ALWAYS be there.
I can’t just snap my fingers and be cured. I don’t want to be.
She deserves our love, our tears, and to be cherished.
Sigh. October is pregnancy and infant awareness month. Fitting that it is her birthday month….
I’m the 1 percent :(
1 percent! That’s the smallest number possible! Sigh..
Feeling very anxious about October. I hate the month so much… I wish I could sleep until Halloween….
Random Acts of Kindness In Leia’s Memory
Oct 3rd will mark 2 years since finding out our baby girl was no longer growing and I’d have to deliver her silently into the world.
She came into our lives 4 lbs 6 oz on Oct 6th at 4:30 pm.
This year I would love if you could do a random act of kindness in her memory.
Drop by our facebook page and record what you have done. (the most important thing is you have done it)
I will record all of them and place them on a balloon to be release on her angelversary.
Need some ideas on what to do? Here is a huge list!
Ryder’s long birth certificate came today. How many children did I bore? 2 1 live 1 stillborn.
Ya it’s that kind of day. Can’t stop the tears from flowing and not even sure I want them to. This is all I have to prove my daughter was born. No death certificate, no birth certificate. Just a number on a paper that says she was stillborn.
I miss you so much. It’s getting harder and harder to write to you. I have so much to say, but every time I try to express it to you, I start to sob.
It’s not getting easier. It’s not. I have regret, sorrow, and hate building up inside of me. The should be’s and what if’s are back.
Ryder is so much like your daddy, and I know you look like me. You did. We both have black hair. I know your eyes would also be blue and stayed that colour. I dream about you.
I am going to be publishing my book for your brother about you. I wish I never had to write that book. It would mean you were still here with us and he would know you in person. You would be sharing an unbreakable bond and have secrets only you could know.
I worry that some day we will have another child and it will be a girl, and I’ll look at her, and think of you. I’ll never stop thinking of you.
I love you Leia - and even if i am not writing to you like I used to - I never ever stop thinking of you for a moment.
I love you