Ryder’s long birth certificate came today. How many children did I bore? 2 1 live 1 stillborn.
Ya it’s that kind of day. Can’t stop the tears from flowing and not even sure I want them to. This is all I have to prove my daughter was born. No death certificate, no birth certificate. Just a number on a paper that says she was stillborn.
I miss you so much. It’s getting harder and harder to write to you. I have so much to say, but every time I try to express it to you, I start to sob.
It’s not getting easier. It’s not. I have regret, sorrow, and hate building up inside of me. The should be’s and what if’s are back.
Ryder is so much like your daddy, and I know you look like me. You did. We both have black hair. I know your eyes would also be blue and stayed that colour. I dream about you.
I am going to be publishing my book for your brother about you. I wish I never had to write that book. It would mean you were still here with us and he would know you in person. You would be sharing an unbreakable bond and have secrets only you could know.
I worry that some day we will have another child and it will be a girl, and I’ll look at her, and think of you. I’ll never stop thinking of you.
I love you Leia - and even if i am not writing to you like I used to - I never ever stop thinking of you for a moment.
I love you
I just never thought I would have to deal with that issue.
If someone told me 10 years ago that we would have a child in Heaven there is no way I would believe them. Nobody ever wants to think of having to bury their child.
After her death, I was forced to decide what we wanted to do with her remains. I wanted her to be home alive with me, not making these hard choices. Did we want a funeral? Did we want her to be buried? Did we want her to have something new on her or what they put on her? Did we want to be there?
In the end I couldn’t pick out an urn. I did chose to have her cremated because we are not from the town we live in. I didn’t want her to be here if we ever moved especially back to Texas. Plus I wanted/needed her to be close to me all the time.
Sitting at the funeral home picking up the small box that held her teddy bear urn was very hard. I cried the whole time, nobody consoled me. NOBODY offered me tissue. Nobody said they were sorry. It was all business. Sign this, sign that.. I don’t remember any of it other than my shoes squeaked when I walked and it was really quiet.