Recommend Reading - for Subsequent Pregnancy
I was lucky enough to access to a lot of book while I was pregnancy with Ryder. Pregnancy after a loss or subsequent pregnancy as it’s also referred to, is hard.
There were some books like didn’t really comfort me, just added to my fears. Because now I was also reading about OTHER ways I could loose this baby, and there was some that were too technical. Also I didn’t find the religious ones to be of any comfort. I don’t believe in God and if I did before, then I wouldn’t after.
Here is a list of ones I would recommend:
Trying again - the author has been there (I think her name was Ann Douglas) and gives some pretty good advice on how to stay sane while ttc for your rainbow 
Pregnancy after a loss: guide to pregnancy after miscarriage, Infant death or Stillbirth by carol Lanham. It had to be the best one I read hands down. It reassurred me that my feelings were total normal and helped me deal with anxiety. It offers guidance for women asking such questions as: Why did it happen—and how can I make sure it doesn’t happen again?Will my next pregnancy be considered high-risk?How long should I wait before getting pregnant again?What can I expect at prenatal exams?Will I ever be able to love another baby as much as I love the one I lost?Pregnancy after a loss can be a time of great emotional upheaval—but also, a time of healing and hope. With this sensible, sensitive guide, women can put their minds at ease—and learn to look forward to the future as they make peace with the past.
Also:
Empty Cradle, Broken Heart - There are a lot of heartbreaking stories, so if you are pregnancy right now then you might want to stay away from it. But if you have a had a loss and aren’t pregnancy I recommend it.
This is a moving account discussing the inner changes she faced after the stillbirth of her daughter, delves into spiritual questions that shook her soul, and examines the connection between mother and child that transcends separation and death
- And of course I recommend my book!
This is a powerful account of a mother’s love for her daughter that started at conception, grew as her daughter grew inside her, was changed but continues to grow, Love never dies. I write of my journey back to light and life after the darkest days I ever knew through letters to Leia. The letters are not magic wands that can bring her back or how I turned tragedy into triumph with the birth of our rainbow baby. It is, however, the truth of what good can happen when you decide that you love someone so much, you just can’t say goodbye. Buy it here!
I am currently writing a book about my pregnancy after loss, a follow up of sorts to this one, and a book for Ryder about his sister in Heaven.
I remind you to seek help if you need it. Talk to someone anyone about your feelings. It helps to have a go to person someone who will just let you talk/cry/scream/worry with no judgement.
Congrats again to all my friends expecting their rainbows and those who are pregnant for the first time (5 in real life friends!!). I can’t wait for Ryder to meet his new buddies!
MHO Monday Mingle #2 (first one i’ve done)
Merry Christmas from Letters to Leia..
When I started this blog almost two years ago I never thought anyone would read it. I never dreamed in a million years it would turn into a book. Sadly I also never thought it would be a memorial page for our first born.
I want to thank each and everyone of you’s for reading. You have been with me through the good and bad times. You are quick to give me virtual hugs and send me the nicest private messages.
I have discounted the Letters to Leia book down to 40% off cover price (lowest I can go on lulu.com) until Jan 1st.
http://www.lulu.com/shop/angela-williams/letters-to-leia/paperback/product-20156015.html
Also every day lulu is offering a discount at check out. Each day is something different:
http://www.lulu.com/holiday-coupons
Today Dec 23rd :
20% off paperbacks.Enter code: 23DEC at checkout
Thanks again for the support. Continue to read and in the new year I will be (hopefully) publishing the follow up book. Also working on a few new books for Ryder :)
Happy Holidays from my family to yours
Angie, Mickey, Ryder and Leia
xxoo
So close yet so far away..
Got up at 6:30 called in at hospital the lady was less than nice to me. Wanted the whole story on why I was getting induced at 37 weeks blah blah blah.
Well turns out I’m NOT and I’m NOT 37 weeks. The original due date I was given was Dec 17. It changed from dating ultrasounds when we were still going to Hamilton. It went to Dec 12th. Which puts me at 37 weeks tomorrow.
My OB called and said that they would rather wait till sat or sunday to do the induction because of the first due date. She said there is five days difference and it might make a difference in his lungs.
Now every time I go into her office it seems I get a different date/story. She told me yesterday that she would send me in today and that it would take a few days so it would be better on the baby. Last week she said oh we won’t let you go past the 20th because of my placenta aging and with the gestational diabetes.
I will do whatever it takes to bring a happy healthy baby into the world even if that means having a nervous breakdown between now and then. I however will NOT be putting up with people telling me how to feel and what is best for me. I know what’s best, I know how I should feel. But how I should feel and how I feel are TWO different things.
It is very very very hard to have a plan and then it change. I fully understand how facebook and keeping this blog work. I get I open myself up to all the comments. I will do what the dr’s say however keep in mind that they are NOT always right, they don’t always know what is best. I trusted them with Leia and she died.
At least I will have two ultrasounds this week and two office visits. That MIGHT just help ease my fears. MAYBE. I am so close I know I can do this, and i’m trying to stay positive but it is hard.
When you have something taken away from you like I did last time, life seems so unfair. Saying everything will be alright, this is for the best blah blah is fine but i KNOW what can go wrong. I know angel or no angel watching for us it can happen again. Do i think it will? NO of course not BUT I know people who have had multiply late losses and it’s not fair.
Mick’s sister is coming in tomorrow, so let’s hope that I go into natural labour between now and Friday. Natural will be better anyways I’m terrified of the induction.
Well that all being said I might as well just deactivate my facebook until after he comes because I am at my wits end now and feel stupid for telling so many people he was coming only to have to tell them all he’s not. This is why I should be a hermit.
Dear little bean,
I wanted to write to you today while my mind is clear. I am feeling super anxious and emotional at the thought that you could be with us in person as soon as tomorrow. I have a strong feeling it will be Wednesday morning or afternoon, but daddy thinks tomorrow.
I went for my last ultrasound today got to see you briefly but wasn’t feeling the greatest. I didn’t even ask if daddy could go in the room to see you or for a photo. I started to freak out a little bit and tears were coming down my face. I was in the same stupid room that always does this to me, and it was with a random guy tech. I should have been super happy since your bio physical profile only took 6 minutes for you to get a 8/8 but I really just wanted to go start the induction right then and there. My fluids went back up to 120 which is excellent news.
We headed over to the OB after my ultrasound and spoke with the intern about possible induction today he said he would talk to the OB. She came in checked me and then said I won’t need the cervical ripening tomorrow so we can skip a step and go straight to induction. She was going to do it today but feared it would work right away and then you would be born a few days short of 37 weeks. I understand where she is coming from, so I can’t be upset. I did cry and have a meltdown but it was for other reasons.
So tomorrow morning I call in at 630 am and see if I go in right away or if they make me wait a few more hours. I am praying they keep me like planned because I will be a nervous wreck if I have to come home, and we live 25 mins away from hospital. Even driving super fast can’t get us there any quicker. Your aunt Sherry comes in Wed afternoon so if you could hold off coming till around 3 pm on Wed she would appreciate it ;)
I can not wait to see you in person little (big) man, and finally reveal your name to the world. I am so emotional at the thought that I will holding and loving you so soon.
I love you now and forever have a safe arrival into the world okay!
Mommy
xxoo
We went to the Stork and Stroller Show this morning. The first booth I saw was Mommas Belly Pregnancy Belly Castings. I asked her if I won the free belly casting since I entered on the facebook page a while back. Turns out my stupid phone didn’t even like the page or share.
https://www.facebook.com/MommasBellyPregnancyBellyCasting?ref=stream
BUT she was so awesome she said sure you won! It was a bit intimidating at first to have my bare belly in front of all those people. But I was comfortable and not embarrassed. I earned these stretch marks! Turns out she was the phlebotomistthat drew my blood on Halloween. We had chatted for a bit that night and she had remembered my tattoo. It wasn’t until we started talking about me losing Leia that she said oh I think we just talked. Small world. She is going to look us up in the next few days and come see LB in hospital.
This is a great memory we will always have of my tummy and when he is born we can do photos with him inside the cast ;) Have to wait a few days till it dries to paint it so it might not get done for a while.
Dear Leia,
Words can’t describe how I am feeling today. I have done so much talking about you in the last two weeks, and even though I haven’t written to you in a while I miss you even more.
Being admitted to the hospital brought comfort and sadness for me. I remembered the days I was there waiting to deliver you, and the night we spent there afterwards. I was flooded with emotions both happy and sad. I heard a baby born across the hall and didn’t feel anything but love for her. Every nurse wanted to know about you, and they all loved your little feet prints. But it hurt, and got to be too much for me to handle. To remember that I once had a perfect little angel in my arms that I loved and cared for 8 and a half months. That I didn’t get to bring home with me.
Being alone at the hospital was the hardest part. To sit there and think about the should be’s once again really hurt me. I was really lonely and felt like nobody cared enough to come be with me. I know it’s not true but still it hurt me and reminded me that there were no happy visitors after you were born.
I had an ultrasound today and they said your brother passed with 8/8 so I was a bit blindsided when we went to see Dr.B. She said that my fluids are low but not to worry about it because it can go back up and down this late in pregnancy. Boy did she tell the wrong person not to worry. I am having a non-stress test done on Saturday and another ultrasound on Monday. Then follow up with her in the office that same day. Then Tuesday is supposed to be the day I get admitted so we can start the process of having your brother on Wed. However now things might change and I might be admitted on Monday. I hope it’s not Saturday I have been looking forward to going to the Stork and Stroller show on Sunday. But I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure LB gets here safely.
I actually don’t even know how I’ll walk around the show but I’ll figure it out. I know that I’m getting more and more anxious as the days go on. And telling me not to be is pointless. Nobody can guarantee everything will be fine, and I’m actually getting to the point where I’m going to get mad at the next person who tells me not to worry. I’m human, it’s normal after everything we’ve been through to worry especially this close to the end. I know in my heart your brother will be here safe and sound by this time next week.
I had just calmed down a little bit when we got home, only to be all emotional again. Your daddy brought in a package for me, and I told him I didn’t want to open it. He opened it and tears came to his eyes. Then I full blown out cried, and am still crying. It was a bear made in your name by the company called Molly Bears. It weighs 4’11 just like you did. It is pink and has a beautiful button in it with your name and a photo of curious george and some butterflies. PERFECT. I can’t even describe how wonderful it feels to have it. But it is also very sad. It is like you are with us. I kept thinking it was just a bear and wouldn’t have any special meaning at all. But it does, and it’s not just a bear.
This photo of me shows how sad I really am. to be holding a bear instead of my baby girl. It’s all too much for me to deal with right now.
Please remember that I love you now and forever.
Mommy
xxoo
