Do you believe?
I am a big believer in ghosts and the after life. I like to think our loved ones are looking out for us.
It’s no conscience that after months of trying to conceive I find out (a week before my period was even late) that I was pregnant two days after my mom died.
We lived in a house that had a pretty mean spirit in it. Doors would shut, there was a smell of cigar smoke that only my husband and I could smell. Guests would feel a cold air coming from up stairs (We NEVER used that bathroom or guest rooms and the toilet paper would always be empty and bed messed up). Our dog who was hyperactive and never sat for anyone would spent a good amount of time in the same spot every day staring at the wall. Then he would shake paw in mid air, and sometimes bark at the spot. Our black cat Raven would either hiss at said spot, or rub herself up against nothing.
I really thought it was me being paranoid and that my husband would play tricks on me. Our fridge and stove doors would remain open even after we shut them. Bread box would be missing bread even if I bought a new loaf.
One day a customer came into our used book store (which was attached to our house) and asked me if anything unusual would happen to us. My hair stood on ends, and I questioned why she would ask. She told us of the addition to the house that was recently built because of a fire that occurred years ago. She said that the owner back in the day died in the house in the fire caused by him falling asleep with a cigar in his mouth. I didn’t believe her, I mean come on for reals? Someone had to have told her about the smells.
She told me that he was a mean old man, and would dry his socks in the oven, and couldn’t afford to buy milk or bread. It was all too much for us to take. His room was the one at the top of the stairs that we never used.
I am a huge fan of Stephen King and my bookstore was called Needful Things, but it was a little spooky even for me! I looked up his son, and asked if it was all true. He confirmed the story, and also said that there was ghost that lived at that house when he was a kid that he would talk to. Okay time to MOVE!
We did move out a few months later, but it wasn’t because I was afraid we just couldn’t justify having the store anymore in a small town. So we moved down south. I miss the store and even the ghost. I wonder if the new owners are aware?!
I have been dreaming about Leia and my mom every night this week. It keeps me up in fact because It’s so real. I wake up and look for them. Someone told me it’s a sign from them telling me something.
Leia in my dream is a raven haired blue eyed little girl, who runs around with her curly hair flowing behind her. My mom chasing her and laughing the whole time. They don’t seem to see me which hurts. I reach out to touch them and they are gone. Same dream 4 times. I can’t fall back asleep after. Last night I didn’t have the dream, which was worse.
But my husband asked me why I dumped all the diapers on the floor in the nursery (clearly he doesn’t know me and my ocd at all by now). This was early this morning, he said that the bottom row of diapers that are all stacked nice and neat in baskets (that all match) were tossed on the floor. The door is always shut when we aren’t in there, and the cats aren’t allowed in without us either. So what happen? Another sign?
I am yet to see a rainbow hopefully in the summer I will. I am not sure why it bothers me so much that all my friends who were pregnant with their rainbow babies saw one and I didn’t.
Do you believe in signs? In ghosts? In the afterlife? Has anything happen to you?
My baby book..
I’ve been trying to figure out if Ryder looks anything like me, so I decided to go through my baby book. My mom spent a LOT of time working on this book. It goes right up till I am 8.
I trended lightly while going though it, very hard to see photos of my mom. I miss her so much and this just adds to the pain. But then I see how much she loved me, and know it’s worth it.
Turns out he looks nothing like me ha ha. He is all my husband.
That’s me on the left..Ryder in the middle and obviously my husband on the end wearing red.
I found out some stuff about myself I didn’t even know, or if I did I forgot.
I was a very fast early learner also. Independant and easy going. So that is like Ryder. I liked to sleep, and didn’t cry. I also was only 6 12 when I was born. He was 6 8.
I turned over when I was 3 months old, and sat up at 5 months. I started crawling at 9 months on FEB 20 1977 which is oddly my husband’s birthday. (creepy).
I got teeth at 4 months and by 6 months had 7. I started eating solids at 5 months and apparently loved hot dogs.
I walked at 11 months, and climbed the stairs at a year. M first words were dada on Nov 1/76 I was 6 months old. Then at 11 months I started saying mama and tickle tickle tickle. Apparently started forming full sentences at 23 months and talked a blue streak by age 2.
I was potty trained at 21 months and refused to go anywhere without my pink blanket (which i still have and use for Ryder).
I have that green leprechaun still even though it’s creepy. He came into my life on my birthday as my dad had ordered him from Irish springs soap.
I had chicken pox 3 times when I was a baby. Once at 11 months, then at a year and again at age 3. I do have scars on my hands to prove this.
I love seasame street, the colour pink. Kraft dinner, popsciles, going to my nana’s (sure do miss her), playing peek a boo..
I don’t remember having a green frog (as opposed to a what blue frog?), or a charlie brown doll. Why was I jumping off the back of the chesterfield (is that the couch?) I love car car rides ha ha.
That’s apparently my first real hair cut at age 8. I always had long hair (still do) and for some reason my mom cut it all off. I’m lol’ing at that last photo. It is my grade 12 graduation.
Sigh. My mom was amazing. I am so lucky to have these memories. I have been working frantically on Ryder’s baby book. Now I know it will be worth it one day.
I miss you. I love you. I start a letter to you and then have to stop.
Cant breath through the tears. Getting harder and harder to stay strong.
I know what true love is now. I know what we have been missing out on. Its real now.
You are my sweet girl and i will always love you.
There is so much i want to say to you. Ill be honest sometimes i need to take a break from the grief. Thats why I havent been writing.
Its not that i love your brother more or i have forgotten. The opposite actually. Ive been remembering.
Seems like the last few months especially when I was pregnant with Ryder that I was able to just be numb from the pain. Now I cant. I wouldn’t trade having you or Ryder for anything and if we could be have another right now I would.
But its hard. I had been warned that having another baby would bring up memories. I thought i could handle it. In fact I did. I got through 8 months.. i went back to that hospital.. i sat in the same room praying the outcome would be different.
Im proud of myself and the fact that I survived. Daddy and I did it. We got through the worst thing ever. Then again when my mommy left this earth.
But…now…its harder…my heart aches..I’m so happy…I’m so sad…i see daddy so happy and remember that same look when he met you.
I’ve come so far..i know you understand why I’ve been distant from you..Ryder deserved all I could give emotionally. Now I’m ready again.
You can and will never be replaced. My heart will never heal. Its okay though. We are coming up on 16 months now.. today I saw a little black haired blue eyed beauty and her mommy said she was almost 16 months… I closed my eyes and fought back the tears..
I am thankfully daddy encouraged me to hold you.. I regret not letting it last long.. excuses of being so tired..so hungry..how could that matter?
Ill write more soon Leia. Love to you always
Today we went back to Hamilton this time to get my glucose monitor. I learned how to take my blood with it, and how many carbohydrates to eat in a day. I was really afraid going in, but after she explained it all not so much. I did ask a hard question “can this kill my baby”. We were in with another couple but before I asked this question they had told us their story. They lost a daughter at 22 weeks and was expecting in April. I wouldn’t have asked with them in the room, had I not known before hand. The answer is no. I will test my blood 4 times a day and lower the carbs to 200 g a day. I will follow up with my family doctor, and our OB in Hamilton.
I have no worries about the care we have been given thus far, and moving forward. Yes I’ve had 9 ultrasounds but NO there is no harm in having that many. Especially since the High risk Ob’s are looking for important organs and need this information. It’s not like I’m just having them because I’m anxious. Although that would be nice to be able to see him every week :)
I have been thinking about the walk to remember and the butterfly release non stop. I’ve gotten over 200.00 in pledges for it so far, but somehow it doesn’t seem like enough. I feel like I could be doing more for them. After all without Bereaved Families of Ontario I’d still be a walking mess. I guess it’s the thought that counts. We will have the one butterfly in your name and pay for one for my mom. As much as I’m looking forward to this event, at the same time it will be really sad. It will be hard to say ‘goodbye’ all over again, but it is something that will be good for us.
Tomorrow I enter week 25 of this pregnancy. 10 more weeks and i’ll be at the same point where you were when you came into this world. Every day I think it will get easier, and it doesn’t. My nerves are beyond shot at this point. I do hide it well and my tears are coming when nobody is around. I’m not ashamed to be sad, or to miss you like crazy. It’s just easier when I’m alone.
I will be going through the clothes that we have for you very soon, and must start getting stuff ready for your brother. I need to do this, I need to wash all his clothes and keep the faith we will take him home. Rip off every single tag and throw out every receipt. There is NO just in cases. He will be here with us happy and healthy. It will be hard for me to part with items that I bought JUST for you though. Not going to lie, this has been waring heavy on my heart. There will be items I must keep no matter what though.
Lots of questions about if we will have more children, I am really not convinced I can do this again. It is hard knowing what we know. Had everything turned out perfect with you, we would be still pregnant now but that would be it. Now I’m not sure. He is your little brother, you are his big sister in Heaven.
Please give my mom a hug and kiss for me okay? I miss her so so so much, it’s been very hard for me. I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I am struggling to remember the sound of her voice, the last words we said to each other. The last time I saw her alive. My memories are fading, and it makes it worse. I know she is looking over me..
Can’t continue crying way to hard
I love you
I still havent found anything to bring tomorrow. I have been stressing at it, and having panic attacks. Going into that small room, facing the 9 other people will be very hard. How can I say those words out loud?
I talk about you all the time. So many people know our story. But its different saying it. If we go and bring something, and then tell people you died, its real.
I have been threw so much, done so much. This shouldnt be so hard. It is the point of the group. Im just so terrifed.
I love you now and forever
While looking for something to bring to group on Tuesday, I came across your heartbeat bear. Breaking down in the nursery isnt something new, but it was different. I pressed the bears stomach and heard that wonderful sound. The tears came slowly, then I remembered. The reality of the situation was too much for me to handle. I grabbed the little booties and put them to my face. They didnt smell like anything at all. I turned them inside out, and saw they had black stains on them. Ink marks, I quicky realized. From your feetprints. My heart stopped, I couldnt breath I had picked up these booties countless times. Why hadnt I ever done this before. How could I not know. I looked at your yellow dress they had you in, and turned it inside out too. It had brown stains on it. Blood. This did it for me. I crumbled in a ball, and cried. I still havent found something to bring. A photo won’t do. None of those pieces of clothing will work either. I dont have a connection to anything special. Everything in this house reminds me of you, how can we choose? I have till Tuesday, but it does not seem like enough time. I said I was going to make cupcakes for the group. Of course I did. When things get bad, I cook. I love you now and forever Mommy Xxoo
I’m actually far from fine. Today has been one of those I dont want to get out of bed days. I knew I shouldn’t have. But I haven’t been to acupuncture all week and felt like I should venture out into the real world.
I always had this six sense thing that happens. I can tell when something bad is happening or about to happen even before it does. I know who’s on the phone and why they are calling (most of the time). If I saw something out loud then it comes true. Let’s say I haven’t talked to your Nana in a while, I’ll say “Oh my mom hasn’t called. I should call her.” Then the phone will ring and it will be her. It is especially true when Bad things are going on.
Like when we lost you. I knew it. I had no reason to think this at all. No signs at all. But I just had that feeling. Today I had the feeling again when I woke up. I got out of bed and before I even had time to get dressed I knew something was wrong.
I can’t compare today to the day we lost you, but the feeling was the same. It’s always been there with me. Mostly with bad things. Sometimes I think that I have the power to make these bad things happen. Like you died because I told the midwife I thought you were going to. I also told your Aunt Rebecca this 3 weeks before anything was even wrong. Even at your 3-d ultrasound I asked them not to start it right away just in case.
It’s so sad that I live in a world that it’s the norm to feel this way. To expect the worst. Especially now. I feel so tired. Tired of it all. I can’t believe anymore that anything good will ever happen again. How can it?
I’m so sad today and lonely. I feel like your daddy blames me for today’s set back. If he doesn’t then he should. This is my fault. It is all my fault.
I can’t be a positive person when so many bad things always happen. What have I done to deserve this. People don’t get it. They can’t. Not unless they have walked in our shoes. Had to deal with all the problems. Especially lately.
Life is too hard. I am tired of it. I’m tired of fighting the good fight just to end up where we were 6 months ago. When will it get better? Why hasn’t it yet?
I do need to take a break. A real one. From everything and everyone. I wish I could just wake up from this awful nightmare that has became my life.
I love you Leia
“A Pair of Shoes”
“A Pair of Shoes”
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.