1 year ago today I went to the hospital to start the process of bringing you into the world. It was so scary for me, but I was ready. We had a 3d ultrasound done the day before and got a sneak peek at you’re beautiful face.
I was so very tired that day. I got up at 6 am to call the hospital to see if they were ready for us. They told us to come in around noon so we did. I think I tried to go back to sleep but didn’t work. We were supposed to go in on the Saturday but they kept postponing the day.
I brought gifts for the staff, and also the lab tech and ultrasound lady. Pot of Gold chocolates for them from our rainbow baby, and a bag of kisses from you. I labelled them kisses from Ryder. Everyone loved them and appreciated them a lot. We had brought a card too. I meant to go back and give them a little something for Leia’s birthday again but we didn’t. Maybe on Wed right after yours I will.
We got there a little before noon and got checked in. Auntie Sherry was with us. My doula Grace came a bit later. The nice nurse on shift talked to us about the induction, and started it. I didn’t feel any contractions or anything until a few hours later. Then boy did they come fast! It was so painful I tried to sleep but couldn’t. I couldn’t eat either in case there was complications and I needed a C- Section.
That night Grace left for a bit. I don’t think Auntie Sherry did (but she might have gone back to our house - it is all such a daze) she might have slept in the hospital bed in the next room. Daddy slept on a cot next to me. I remember being up for a long time and every contraction they would strap a monitor on and check your heart beat.
Daddy and I took many walks in the hall. He was cold so a nurse gave him a hot blanket to walk around with. I took so many photos especially of the clock. Daddy updated people on twitter, and facebook as well as texting.
Star wars and back to the future was on I swear for 2 days. At some point early in the morning there was some adult entertainment on! I turned it off quickly because I didn’t want you to be born while it was on.
My real contractions started after midnight. Grace came back around 1 am. I thought for sure you would be born quickly because I was 5 cm dilated and in a lot of pain. The nurse who moved us to the delivery room, wanted to know why I waited so long to call them but I didn’t want to bother anyone.
The OB who delivered Leia was on call (not my reg OB since I was a week later with the induction), which there was a lot of talk about the due date. Somewhere they had dec 17. In fact you were due on 12-12-12. I know this because Leia’s due date was 11-11-11.
He broke my water after 11 that morning and things started to progress quick. I remember not knowing he was doing it, I am sure he told me but i was in so much pain I thought he was just checking things. Grace asked me “how was that?” and I said “oh Ive had better” ha ha I don’t even know what that meant.
The contractions came quicker and more painful after that. I heard yet another baby be born (and they took OUR name - since they thought they were having a girl and didn’t have any boy names! The nurse told them our name and they took it) there was 10 or more babies born the 2 days we were there!
The epidural was very painful. VERY. I don’t think I can ever do that again. I had so many complications from it anyways it is not worth it.
The nurse that stayed with us was so nice, she was concerned that she was going to miss his birth. 2 days of labor and there was no way she was going to miss it. I know during the hardest part of labor somehow me winning the 1000 $ in nail polish came up in conversation. Here I was about to bring you into the world, and we are talking about nail polish.
At some point another nurse came in too who told us she had been with us when Leia was born. Then another nurse came in to see how we were too. There was quite the line outside to get in to wish you a happy birthday. So many nice nurses and doctors who knew our story ,and most of them had been with us.
There was talk of her leaving at 7 and she told you that it was time to arrive. Sure enough at 7 on the dot you were born. Such a good boy already!
You were so long and weighed a lot less than I thought. 6 lbs 8 oz. I was told at least over 9 lbs. What a relief that was. The moment they placed you on my chest I was in love. I couldn’t stop crying.
We became a real family. I’ve never seen daddy so proud in my life. Auntie Sherry, the 3 nurses, me, daddy and Grace were all crying. It was an amazing feeling.
I didn’t want to leave you alone for a moment but really needed a shower. Daddy went to get us food and I ate a big Mac over your head while you breastfed. I apologize for that by the way. But almost 3 days without food I had to do it. You must have been hungry too since you ate what I ate!
Auntie Maggie came and Uncle John a little after 9 when we got moved into another room. I talked to my dad, momo and a few other people. I was so tired after my shower I really wanted to sleep. But you came first and needed to eat.
Funny story the nurse kept checking to see if my legs were still frozen. She was using a bag that had been sitting in ice. It was clear but had something in it. I had wanted to keep my placenta to make capsules but wasn’t sure If we could afford it. The nurse had kept it on ice just in case I wanted to keep it. The other nurse was using THIS bag to check me. I was mortified but it was really funny. Someone was in the room with me at the time, maybe Maggie?
We took you home a few days after you were born. The 27th was spent getting to know you, breastfeeding and we gave you a bath. Since you were so little they wanted to keep us one extra day. I wanted to take you home so badly.
Finally going home! You look so small. Wearing a shirt that says “worlds cutest little brother”. We of course would come back the very next day for a check up. And have to stay one more day due to jaundice.
I swear you were tanned for a month because of these lights.
I felt like a terrible mom having you back at the hospital. The nurses on the peds floor were super nice, but didn’t understand why I didn’t want to be there. When I told them about Leia they questioned me on how I didn’t know why she died. My emotions were running so high and I cried. Cried big time! In between pumping, feeding you, and crying I tried to sleep.
Daddy and I got a few mins off and on. We took you out to feed you and watched Finding Nemo. You were only a few days old but mesmorized by the tv already. I also watched Tangled while daddy went for food. Again you were out for a bit and watched the scene with the laterns.
I cried holding you and watching you sleep. I took a million photos of you’re hands, arms, legs, feet, nose, ears and belly button. I took photos of the first poop even. I haven’t stopped taking photos of all the firsts. I am addicted to you my boy! I have a problem and I am not ashamed to admit this! It is called LOVE>
We are blessed to live in a society that can take so many photos, and I literally have you’re whole life documented on ‘film’. I have so many videos and thousands of photos of you that it would fill up 100’s of books if I tried to print them. In fact yesterday, while you napped I went through the folder that has all the daily photos in it. Made collages from the day you were born until today. It took me a while to do but turned out amazing.
I am also working on a slideshow but that is taking far too long, since I have to also work on birthday party stuff too. I did put the monthly photos on paper, and wrap gifts already. I also did rainbow loot bags!
They were a lot of fun to make, but pretty time consuming. *spoiler alert* there is rainbow bubbles, life savers candy and suckers, stickers, playdo, a rainbow pinwheel, smarties, and a few other things in them. I wrapped some gifts in rainbow print too. Hard to find many items that have rainbow but I am managing.
We are the luckiest parents to have you as our son Ryder. Thank you for being you!
I love you
Not sure if you can see it or not, but Leia’s Molly bear has her name on a button on her chest. It has a photo of Curious George releasing a butterfly.
Ryder at 1 week old. His onesie says I get my Jedi Powers from Daddy.
I crack up every time I see this photo. His socks are way too big. He wore this hat all winter last year.
We went to see dad in Toronto on Saturday. It was the first time Ryder had met him. I must admit it was very hard to be there without you.
We had so much fun in that hotel for the month we stayed there a few years ago. From the late night swims, to taking the shuttle to the mall and back daily. Watching the crazy lady who escaped from the hospital almost get hit by a car, and when we went over to Toronto Island to the nude beach.
It was different being there. Sitting across from dad without you by his side scared me. I realized for the firs time that you are really gone. Like never coming back gone. I can’t handle that. I can’t handle the truth. It’s too heartbreaking.
He really loved Ryder, and vice verse. It was so cute to see how big Ryder smiled when he saw him. We took the ferry to Toronto Island and walked around for a little bit. Then took Ryder swimming and out for supper. It was really nice in the pool, and made me again think of the spaghetti meal we had there.
Today Princess Kate is likely to have her baby. The royal baby you wanted her to have so badly. I wonder if you know. I wonder if you and Princess Diana are together right now watching it all happen.
I really miss you mom. I mean a lot. Thing are happening here way too fast. Ryder is 8 months old almost. Leia has been gone almost 2 years, and you 15 months.
I love you so very much
I am sitting in the rocking chair watching you have a nap right now. Crying for many reasons.
Crying because you are a blessing truly. Crying because we are still in this house. Crying because you are in Leias room. Because I miss my mommy.
You are going to meet my dad soon. It hurts me very much to admit that I am afraid. Going to the hotel that my mom and I spent a month a few years back without her is scary. I have done a good job of pretending that we are just not talking right now or too busy to catch up. I know that I wouldn’t go this long but still.
Going there and being with just my dad is going to suck. But I will do it for you. Pains me that you will never truly know my moms love. Even though she comes to you this I know. You say Nana a lot. I did not teach you this and it has never left my lips.
I am looking around and see memories of Leia. The Curious George decal that was picked out just for her. The growing chart that just so happen to match the giraffe oil painting. There are more things that are yours though.
All of the star wars toys and decals. The light saber night light. The bazillion boy clothes. But she is still here.
There is a pink bear that has her name on a button with a Curious George on it catching a butterfly. One day you will want to play with her. She is off limits. Same with the light brown bear. This has her heartbeat in it. One day we will explain to you (how I don’t know since I can’t fathom it myself) how she left us.
You are the best kid anyone can ask for! So beautiful smart friendly and happy. I do not deserve you my boy.
I love you so very much. I am going to go finish up with your baby book. Need to add your 7 month photo.
Thank you to Heather Engle Duncan for making this for Leia. xxoo