I’m having one of those moments (not days as earlier I was fine) that I’m feeling sad and lonely.
I see photos of people going out to the beach, renting cottages, going to the movies, and out to dinner and I’m jealous. I feel so alone sometimes and hate that I don’t get invited out to do things. I am always the invitee. ALWAYS. I’m okay with staying in and watching tv and cooking and having people over. But sometimes I need a break from it all.
I am also starting to worry about the future and what will happen when we have this baby here. I mean being alone is one thing, but alone with a baby is scary. I don’t have my mom to be in the room with us, and there are no way I can ask any friends to be there. I considered hiring a doula just for the support but not sure yet.
Do I dare think that far ahead? I’ve been so freaked out and having panic attacks thinking about the what if’s. I can’t help it, and I don’t mean to. I want to think positive and I know it helps, but at the same time when you were ‘born’ It wasn’t like I was negative nelly or anything. So how can all this help?
Making I need to start taking it day by day again, and go from there. I knew this was going to be a hard journey, but I didn’t realize how hard. I didn’t realize I’d be alone in my struggle. I didn’t realize it was going to be all up hill. I really wish my mom was here. Things would be so much easier if she was. I could talk to her, and she could be here with me.
Instead she’s not, and my dad has sold the house and is moving. All memories of me growing up will be gone with the house. I felt my mom’s presence at the house in the back yard especially. We spent so much time out there in the gazebo out by the pool. She loved her flowers and garden so much. It’s just so unfair that she isn’t here with me.
I’m back at the stage of the what did I do to deserve this.. Why me? Why did my first born have to die? Why did my mom have to die? I’m so beyond over the moon happy to be pregnant again, but there is no way I could handle it if something went wrong. NO way.. I”m now 13 weeks and 4 days so there is a way way less chance but still. I can’t help think of these woman I know who have suffered multiply losses and still births. I don’t want to be one of the people. I feel sorry for them. I hate that they have to feel that way.
I won’t be another statistic. I won’t.
I love you now and forever
I forgot to do my check in on Tuesday. Probably because I was so stressed and worried about little bean..
- Went to my subsequent pregnancy group on the wed instead of Thursday but was alone with the facilitator because the last remaining girl had plans that night
- Thursday saw my OB filled out all that paperwork with the girl who i’m assuming was a nurse that was helping her out. That was hard because she wanted to know all the same information that my Dr already has. Plus the hospital in Hamilton already has this info too. She asked me about my loss, why, how, how long etc. Then asked about heart problems in the family. Boy where do I start? Talked about my mom and her dying and I could tell that the girl was so very sad for me. She kept saying I’m sorry and looking down. All my blood work came back A’OK and there was no problems with little bean.
- Friday went for a 2 hour Glucose test to screen for Gestational Diabetes , this test isn’t usually done at 22 weeks but because I had it before they want to make sure I don’t now. I gladly went in for it, and had a chance to finish up my book. The blood work part wasn’t fun, they can’t ever find a vein so it’s always painful and traumatic
- I also visited with my cousin Jenn and my aunt for a little bit at their store. It was nice to see Jenn even if it wasn’t for very long and they were super busy
- Didn’t do much of anything on the weekend just watched some movies and lazed around the house
- Monday woke up with the blood situation and spent the next 24 hours worrying
- Tuesday had the US at 2 and was relived to find out everything was perfect and measuring on time
Today I need to do laundry but I have no energy at all to do it. Tried to have a grilled cheese but it’s not agreeing with me. I might go down to the library and see if I can find a good book to read. No plans at all for the weekend which is nothing new.
Missing you like crazy, and of course my mom too :(
I love you now and forever
I’m so very tired.. I haven’t slept yet because I was so very worried about your sibling last night.. I woke up yesterday morning and had some blood in the toilet. The ONE time I didn’t wipe then check, I saw it. I went white, started crying and I swear my heart stopped.
I then tried to call the OB’s office, but she didn’t call me back, so I called the emergency line again no answer. Turns out I didn’t hit the # key cause finally she did call me back and I talked to her. She said not to worry unless I had cramping, or bleeding heavy. Easier said than done, she then told me that she would set up and Ultrasound for me if I wanted to be seen sooner. I decided to wait till today, big mistake. I was so scared last night.. I slept for like 10 minutes and had a dream about my mom and your auntie Maggie. We were at the Ultrasound office and a whole bunch of people were with us cheering me on to drink water.
Finally at 2 today I had the US done with a lady named Nancy, who I told I loved after she said Oh there is a nice heartbeat. I was so very worried and hate hate hate that I felt like that. I couldn’t stop crying of course even before she told me that then It was way worse.
The heartbeat was 177 or 179 I don’t remember which but strong. And she said I was measuring above the due date so whoo hoo. The photo isn’t clear because my bladder wasn’t full and I was moving around a lot but still we got one. I will get another on Monday when we go to the Maternal/Fetal Medicine Centre at McMaster. I have to be there for 7:30am..
I have been really really missing my mom especially today. I needed to talk to her, and have her reassure me it was all going to be okay.
I would appreciate it if you would hug and kiss her for me..
I love you now and forever
It’s Tuesday today, and we should be going to our parents grieving the death of their baby group. But it’s over now and we aren’t. I am not ever sure how I’ll survive the next little bit without the group. I feel lost and sad. I went to my healthy eating group today but that was really difficult and all I did was cry. We always start out saying our name, when our baby is due and how many children we have. I usually say I’m due in December and this is my second pregnancy. However today I said this is my second child, my first one died at 35 weeks. I really didn’t mean to just blurt it out, but was relived once I did. There were many new faces today but the ones who had already known were more than supportive. They hugged me and thanked me for being brave enough to say it out loud. I mean I talk about you all the time, and everyone knows, BUT I was afraid to worry these expecting moms. But at the same time it’s like my job to inform them.
At group we would do a check in and say what has happen during the week. This was my fav part, to say what i’m feeling and not have anyone judge me. To be surrounded by people who got it, and who don’t hate me because I’m expecting my rainbow. (well I hope not anyways after all we have all walked down the same path). So I might start a check in every Tuesday on my own as a way to reflect.
- We went to Hamilton to the surgeon for daddy to see if he will have the surgery to cure his acid reflex. Surgeon is leaving it up to him, on if he wants to do it or not. It does mean a major surgery, and he will never be able to vomit or bump again.
- Had a little scare when we were at the doctors on Thursday and that resulted in a MAJOR meltdown at the hospital in the same room they said you were gone in.
- Didn’t do anything this weekend other than try to stay cool since it was so hot, wished I would have had the energy to go to a pool or the beach. Jealous of friends who got to go to the beach and the cottage
- Played the lotto (my mom’s numbers) in hopes I will win enough money for a new car, new house, and a vacation. Oh and I’d defiantly help my dad out so he doesn’t have to sell their house.
- Went for a long walk with the dogs around 11:30 at night on Saturday night heard and saw lots of fireworks since it was Victoria day weekend. The dogs didn’t like them at all and Harley was terrified.
- Haven’t been sleeping at all, mostly because of the heat but also just too many things going on in my head been anxious about little bean and can’t wait for my OB appointment on Thursday.
- Read the 50 shades of grey trilogy in less than a week, it was a very naughty mommy type book one that I can’t see being made into a movie because it will be too racy.
- Today went to group, they want to order a few copies of my book I’ve already donated one to them, they want colour copies.
- Now tonight I am going to eat some tacos (if I can keep them down) and go to bed really early.
I hope we get to have another Ultrasound down next week, I know Thursday the OB wants me to tell her if we are getting genetic testing done. I am going to tell her no, I can’t justify risking this pregnancy with this test. Nothing will change either way so what is the point. I get i’m 36 now (not 38 like I said I was today), but we have both been tested and have no problems (other than my bowel issues). So I am saying no. My main concern will be for the babies heart at 20 weeks then the sex, then taking care of my placenta. I’m blessed to be in the best hands with McMaster (If we ever get to go to my first appointment).
I love you now and forever
PS can you please give Nana a HUGE hug and kiss for me. I miss her so very very much it hurts…
A year ago yesterday I wrote the following to you:
I’ve been really itching to start your nursery but I know it is way to soon. Especially because we are not sure if you are going to be a boy baby or a girl baby. You have four girl cousins right now so either way its going to be special for you.
We got you your first pair of shoes last week, so cute! So tiny! They are little Nikes.
Mommy is not one to just sit around and wait things out, so this not getting your room ready and not having everything we need for you right now is making me anxious.
Also if you hear me being crazy right now or crying don’t worry nothing is wrong. I’m just feeling emotional. We get to schedule the ultrasound to see you in a few weeks, and we have decided to do 3D so we will really be able to see every part of you.
It seems like a lifetime ago. I was so naive thinking that everything would work out. So much has happen in the year since I started this blog. I have met some wonderful friends, and held my friends so much closer.
I feel guilty for not wanting to buy Little Bean anything. Not that there is anything that we need anyways, but still. I realize I’m only 10 weeks (tomorrow), and have to take things day by day. It is such a surreal feeling. I know I’m pregnant , the morning sickness and hormones won’t let me forget. But I feel like I’m tricking myself into believing that its still with you. That’s so wrong on so many levels.
I really miss my mom, and don’t know how to deal with it. I sit around the house and don’t do much of anything these days. The house needs cleaning, and we really should start packing if we are ever going to move. I get up and think I’m going to do something productive today, but never do. The days are just going by with me not doing anything. The more I sit around, the more I think. The more I think, the more I feel. And I feel sad. I make wishes and promises I know I’ll never keep.
Today is a hard day for many of my new friends Leia. Please watch out for JJ and for Justin. JJ went to Heaven a year ago today, and Justin has been gone for 6 months.
I love you now and forever