Dear Leia,
I forgot to do my check in on Tuesday. Probably because I was so stressed and worried about little bean..
- Went to my subsequent pregnancy group on the wed instead of Thursday but was alone with the facilitator because the last remaining girl had plans that night
- Thursday saw my OB filled out all that paperwork with the girl who i’m assuming was a nurse that was helping her out. That was hard because she wanted to know all the same information that my Dr already has. Plus the hospital in Hamilton already has this info too. She asked me about my loss, why, how, how long etc. Then asked about heart problems in the family. Boy where do I start? Talked about my mom and her dying and I could tell that the girl was so very sad for me. She kept saying I’m sorry and looking down. All my blood work came back A’OK and there was no problems with little bean.
- Friday went for a 2 hour Glucose test to screen for Gestational Diabetes , this test isn’t usually done at 22 weeks but because I had it before they want to make sure I don’t now. I gladly went in for it, and had a chance to finish up my book. The blood work part wasn’t fun, they can’t ever find a vein so it’s always painful and traumatic
- I also visited with my cousin Jenn and my aunt for a little bit at their store. It was nice to see Jenn even if it wasn’t for very long and they were super busy
- Didn’t do much of anything on the weekend just watched some movies and lazed around the house
- Monday woke up with the blood situation and spent the next 24 hours worrying
- Tuesday had the US at 2 and was relived to find out everything was perfect and measuring on time
Today I need to do laundry but I have no energy at all to do it. Tried to have a grilled cheese but it’s not agreeing with me. I might go down to the library and see if I can find a good book to read. No plans at all for the weekend which is nothing new.
Missing you like crazy, and of course my mom too :(
I love you now and forever
Mommy
Dear Leia,
I’m so very tired.. I haven’t slept yet because I was so very worried about your sibling last night.. I woke up yesterday morning and had some blood in the toilet. The ONE time I didn’t wipe then check, I saw it. I went white, started crying and I swear my heart stopped.
I then tried to call the OB’s office, but she didn’t call me back, so I called the emergency line again no answer. Turns out I didn’t hit the # key cause finally she did call me back and I talked to her. She said not to worry unless I had cramping, or bleeding heavy. Easier said than done, she then told me that she would set up and Ultrasound for me if I wanted to be seen sooner. I decided to wait till today, big mistake. I was so scared last night.. I slept for like 10 minutes and had a dream about my mom and your auntie Maggie. We were at the Ultrasound office and a whole bunch of people were with us cheering me on to drink water.
Finally at 2 today I had the US done with a lady named Nancy, who I told I loved after she said Oh there is a nice heartbeat. I was so very worried and hate hate hate that I felt like that. I couldn’t stop crying of course even before she told me that then It was way worse.
The heartbeat was 177 or 179 I don’t remember which but strong. And she said I was measuring above the due date so whoo hoo. The photo isn’t clear because my bladder wasn’t full and I was moving around a lot but still we got one. I will get another on Monday when we go to the Maternal/Fetal Medicine Centre at McMaster. I have to be there for 7:30am..
I have been really really missing my mom especially today. I needed to talk to her, and have her reassure me it was all going to be okay.
I would appreciate it if you would hug and kiss her for me..
I love you now and forever
Mommy
Dear Leia,
It’s Tuesday today, and we should be going to our parents grieving the death of their baby group. But it’s over now and we aren’t. I am not ever sure how I’ll survive the next little bit without the group. I feel lost and sad. I went to my healthy eating group today but that was really difficult and all I did was cry. We always start out saying our name, when our baby is due and how many children we have. I usually say I’m due in December and this is my second pregnancy. However today I said this is my second child, my first one died at 35 weeks. I really didn’t mean to just blurt it out, but was relived once I did. There were many new faces today but the ones who had already known were more than supportive. They hugged me and thanked me for being brave enough to say it out loud. I mean I talk about you all the time, and everyone knows, BUT I was afraid to worry these expecting moms. But at the same time it’s like my job to inform them.
At group we would do a check in and say what has happen during the week. This was my fav part, to say what i’m feeling and not have anyone judge me. To be surrounded by people who got it, and who don’t hate me because I’m expecting my rainbow. (well I hope not anyways after all we have all walked down the same path). So I might start a check in every Tuesday on my own as a way to reflect.
- We went to Hamilton to the surgeon for daddy to see if he will have the surgery to cure his acid reflex. Surgeon is leaving it up to him, on if he wants to do it or not. It does mean a major surgery, and he will never be able to vomit or bump again.
- Had a little scare when we were at the doctors on Thursday and that resulted in a MAJOR meltdown at the hospital in the same room they said you were gone in.
- Didn’t do anything this weekend other than try to stay cool since it was so hot, wished I would have had the energy to go to a pool or the beach. Jealous of friends who got to go to the beach and the cottage
- Played the lotto (my mom’s numbers) in hopes I will win enough money for a new car, new house, and a vacation. Oh and I’d defiantly help my dad out so he doesn’t have to sell their house.
- Went for a long walk with the dogs around 11:30 at night on Saturday night heard and saw lots of fireworks since it was Victoria day weekend. The dogs didn’t like them at all and Harley was terrified.
- Haven’t been sleeping at all, mostly because of the heat but also just too many things going on in my head been anxious about little bean and can’t wait for my OB appointment on Thursday.
- Read the 50 shades of grey trilogy in less than a week, it was a very naughty mommy type book one that I can’t see being made into a movie because it will be too racy.
- Today went to group, they want to order a few copies of my book I’ve already donated one to them, they want colour copies.
- Now tonight I am going to eat some tacos (if I can keep them down) and go to bed really early.
I hope we get to have another Ultrasound down next week, I know Thursday the OB wants me to tell her if we are getting genetic testing done. I am going to tell her no, I can’t justify risking this pregnancy with this test. Nothing will change either way so what is the point. I get i’m 36 now (not 38 like I said I was today), but we have both been tested and have no problems (other than my bowel issues). So I am saying no. My main concern will be for the babies heart at 20 weeks then the sex, then taking care of my placenta. I’m blessed to be in the best hands with McMaster (If we ever get to go to my first appointment).
I love you now and forever
Mommy
xxoo
PS can you please give Nana a HUGE hug and kiss for me. I miss her so very very much it hurts…
Dear Leia,
A year ago yesterday I wrote the following to you:
I’ve been really itching to start your nursery but I know it is way to soon. Especially because we are not sure if you are going to be a boy baby or a girl baby. You have four girl cousins right now so either way its going to be special for you.
We got you your first pair of shoes last week, so cute! So tiny! They are little Nikes.
Mommy is not one to just sit around and wait things out, so this not getting your room ready and not having everything we need for you right now is making me anxious.
Also if you hear me being crazy right now or crying don’t worry nothing is wrong. I’m just feeling emotional. We get to schedule the ultrasound to see you in a few weeks, and we have decided to do 3D so we will really be able to see every part of you.
It seems like a lifetime ago. I was so naive thinking that everything would work out. So much has happen in the year since I started this blog. I have met some wonderful friends, and held my friends so much closer.
I feel guilty for not wanting to buy Little Bean anything. Not that there is anything that we need anyways, but still. I realize I’m only 10 weeks (tomorrow), and have to take things day by day. It is such a surreal feeling. I know I’m pregnant , the morning sickness and hormones won’t let me forget. But I feel like I’m tricking myself into believing that its still with you. That’s so wrong on so many levels.
I really miss my mom, and don’t know how to deal with it. I sit around the house and don’t do much of anything these days. The house needs cleaning, and we really should start packing if we are ever going to move. I get up and think I’m going to do something productive today, but never do. The days are just going by with me not doing anything. The more I sit around, the more I think. The more I think, the more I feel. And I feel sad. I make wishes and promises I know I’ll never keep.
Today is a hard day for many of my new friends Leia. Please watch out for JJ and for Justin. JJ went to Heaven a year ago today, and Justin has been gone for 6 months.
I love you now and forever
Mommy
xxoo
What a Grieving Mother Really Thinks
Hello old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please
Don’t look away
And change the subject
It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people said, “My, she is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me..
My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see,
everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say—
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart. ♥
Dear Leia,
I am really having a hard time with what went on today. I can’t get the image of that room out of my head. To know that the Ultrasound machine was the same one that you showed you inside of me dead. I was suddenly transformed back to that day, back to that moment. I thought I could move past it, but I can’t. The pain I am feeling is raw, and surreal. I can’t wrap my head around any of this.
When I checked into the hospital (same hospital you were born in Trigger #1) they asked me if my next of kin was still Pauline. Trigger #2: Umm no that is my mom, she died. Please take her info out of there. Then they wheeled me into that waiting room. Trigger #3: I sat there on that day laughing and joking about Jessica Simpson so naive about my life. Then the girl came to get me and I was put in Room 3. Trigger #4: I started crying harder, couldn’t breathe. Feel to the floor sobbing. Tried to spit out the reason why this room was too hard to be in. Started hyperventilating, and mumbling about needing to get out of this room.
I feel like my world is crashing down around me once again, and I can’t stop it. I have came so far with this grieving process, it looks like I may never be done. The worst part is I feel alone, and scared. If I had the money, I’d check myself into a nice hotel take a nice long relaxing bath in a big tub and tune the whole world out.
