I am finding it difficult to get through letters to you more and more these days. I start writing then have to stop. The hyperventilating tears prevent me from going any further.
Taking a deep breath, I am going to forge through. There is a lot I want to say. That I need to say.
I have been feeling angry lately. Angry with myself, with the world, with friends/family. Grief is the reason. You are gone and it sucks.
I want people to ask about you, to talk about you. To know that just because I worship Ryder, doesn’t mean I don’t still miss you. That I don’t love you more than life itself. That I would have traded my life for yours.
Which is messed up because If I died instead of you, then Ryder wouldn’t be born. So I can’t wish that now can I?
In 2 short months we will be coming up on 2 years since we said hello/goodbye. 2 years that I’ve survived this pain. Now this brings me to the angry part. I am angry at myself for surviving. For going on with my life so soon.
How can I get up in the morning, put a smile on my face? Hang out with friends? Talk to other moms about normal every day problems when my baby girl isn’t here with us. You are missed by me every second.
I think about the moment I was told you had no heartbeat and wish I could rewind it. Wish that I could pin point the exact moment you died and will you to live.
I wrestle with the blaming myself and knowing that you were sick. I have medical proof that you weren’t growing properly but I KNEW there was something not right and didn’t listen to my gut. I feel sick to my stomach with guilt over this. I failed you. Truly.
I go around and around with this and no amount of words can ever make me feel better. I don’t want to.
We are supposed to be doing the butterfly release and walk to remember however I think I’m just going to be buying a butterfly for you and that’s it. My heart isn’t in asking people for donations this year.
I was reading a book on the way to texas and crying all the way through it. The girl’s son died the same way as you same gestation. She felt the same way as I did. Her marriage fell apart. Mine didn’t. Is it because of Ryder? Because we are strong?
We get asked when/if we are going to try again for another baby. Yes we are trying but for how much longer? That’s the question. Am I strong enough to go through that stress again? The worry? The what ifs? It has taken me 9 months to finally sleep through the night and not get up to check on your brother. My nerves are somewhat stable and my anxiety under control.
I would feel like I would have to get off my medicine if we got pregnant and then what. 9 months of worry. 9 months of is it going to happen again?
In the end I know the worry would out weigh everything and the love is totally worth it. BUT….
So many things are wrong with the way I have been thinking lately. I’m jealous, sad, angry, nervous, and above all I don’t think I measure up. I am 37.
37 and with only 1 living child. This time next year I’ll be 38. 2 more years closer to 40. at 40 we should be having kids in grade school.. high school maybe.. THERE is NOTHING wrong with having kids later in life, but for me I feel my age. I never have felt old before Ryder came along. I think that everything we went through has made me age.
I had flashbacks of your hard delivery the other day. Wondered how I survived giving birth to you. Not hearing any cries. Knowing that your feet were first and that you would never yell. I didn’t even look.
I didn’t want to hold you. What is wrong with me? We have very little photos. I regret this. These are all things I’ve said a million times, but are still true today.
I saw a black haired blue eyed girl today in Costco. Her hair was long and she was around 2. I thought maybe they got it wrong. Maybe you were born alive. I didn’t actually see the ultrasound screen. I didn’t see you come out of me. Maybe you were switched. It was a joke. A cruel joke. Maybe they gave us a doll. Of course I’m wrong. Seems like these days I am always wrong.
Things will be better in the morning when I see Ryder laughing and smiling at me. I show him your photo. He touches your feet print. I say your name. I hope he says it one day. One day soon.
I love you Leia. I am sorry for everything. I hope you are with Nana and popo.
Dear Leia and Ryder,
I have been trying to write this letter for a while. There has never been a shared letter before.
We are in Texas right now. You’re popo has passed away. He joined you and Nana Leia on Monday morning. Ryder you were able to meet him in person before.
Although its hard to know the reason why we came, I am forever greatfull we are here. When I took this photo of all the cousins my babies It made me happy and sad. There maybe 5 in this photo but we all know who’s missing.
I was upset at the funeral home for a lot of reasons but when it came time to list the family members who preceded him and Timothy and Leia were mentioned I lost it. Came to the hard realisation that you are gone. I felt it. Babies/ children shouldn’t go before adults.
Out in the waiting room things didn’t get any better. The person who answered the phone asked another lady about the cost to bury a fetal demise. Words I never want to hear again. I just sat there crying and holding on to you tight Ryder. Thinking about you Leia.
We love being here in Texas but I miss home. I worry about everything. I miss seeing your urn Leia. But its great for you Ry to be here. To see your cousins aunts uncles and grandmas. Also daddy’s childhood friends and their family. Everyone loves Ry so much.
Again makes me sad and happy. It is a blessing we are able to be here. Today there is a service for popo. Leia I am sure you are looking down on us with him.
Life is tough and death reminds you of that. We must cherish the moments we have on earth. Love the people we are with. Tell them we love them. Show them. Thank the important people.
I love you both so much. I can’t imagine my life without either of you. Even if I can’t physically be with one of my children the love will never be less than the one right here.
I enjoy reading your blog Angie! As sad as it can be, it honestly helps me to appreciate how valuable life is and how incredibly lucky I am to have Samantha in my life and as selfish as that is I thank you for that! - Lindsay Laur mom to Samantha and fellow blogger.
Today we went back to Hamilton this time to get my glucose monitor. I learned how to take my blood with it, and how many carbohydrates to eat in a day. I was really afraid going in, but after she explained it all not so much. I did ask a hard question “can this kill my baby”. We were in with another couple but before I asked this question they had told us their story. They lost a daughter at 22 weeks and was expecting in April. I wouldn’t have asked with them in the room, had I not known before hand. The answer is no. I will test my blood 4 times a day and lower the carbs to 200 g a day. I will follow up with my family doctor, and our OB in Hamilton.
I have no worries about the care we have been given thus far, and moving forward. Yes I’ve had 9 ultrasounds but NO there is no harm in having that many. Especially since the High risk Ob’s are looking for important organs and need this information. It’s not like I’m just having them because I’m anxious. Although that would be nice to be able to see him every week :)
I have been thinking about the walk to remember and the butterfly release non stop. I’ve gotten over 200.00 in pledges for it so far, but somehow it doesn’t seem like enough. I feel like I could be doing more for them. After all without Bereaved Families of Ontario I’d still be a walking mess. I guess it’s the thought that counts. We will have the one butterfly in your name and pay for one for my mom. As much as I’m looking forward to this event, at the same time it will be really sad. It will be hard to say ‘goodbye’ all over again, but it is something that will be good for us.
Tomorrow I enter week 25 of this pregnancy. 10 more weeks and i’ll be at the same point where you were when you came into this world. Every day I think it will get easier, and it doesn’t. My nerves are beyond shot at this point. I do hide it well and my tears are coming when nobody is around. I’m not ashamed to be sad, or to miss you like crazy. It’s just easier when I’m alone.
I will be going through the clothes that we have for you very soon, and must start getting stuff ready for your brother. I need to do this, I need to wash all his clothes and keep the faith we will take him home. Rip off every single tag and throw out every receipt. There is NO just in cases. He will be here with us happy and healthy. It will be hard for me to part with items that I bought JUST for you though. Not going to lie, this has been waring heavy on my heart. There will be items I must keep no matter what though.
Lots of questions about if we will have more children, I am really not convinced I can do this again. It is hard knowing what we know. Had everything turned out perfect with you, we would be still pregnant now but that would be it. Now I’m not sure. He is your little brother, you are his big sister in Heaven.
Please give my mom a hug and kiss for me okay? I miss her so so so much, it’s been very hard for me. I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I am struggling to remember the sound of her voice, the last words we said to each other. The last time I saw her alive. My memories are fading, and it makes it worse. I know she is looking over me..
Can’t continue crying way to hard
I love you
Reading through my blog entries when I was still pregnant with you usually helps me. It helps me remember how it felt when you kicked, how happy we were. How perfect everything was. But not today. Not now.
I read the last entry to you and cried. Had I known it would be the last I would have said so much more to you. It seems like such a generic stupid letter, and I hate it. There could have been so much more, there should have been.
Then I re-read the first one I wrote when we came home from the hospital. I thought long and hard about writing to you when I was there for those 4 days. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t face the fact that it was over. That I would have deliver my perfect baby.
I have so many regrets, so many things I could have done different. I didn’t spend nearly enough time with you. I didn’t dress you, or undress you. I didn’t take your hat off, or look at your perfect feet.
I can’t believe this was 10 months ago. Where has the time went? How is it that I am still here in the same house, everything looks the same, but its all so different.
Been trying to stay strong, to keep it all together, but I can’t. Looked at the quilt my aunt made for you. It says baby girl Williams on it. I imagined you crawling on it, then learning to walk on it. Then some day giving it to your daughter.
I’ve been dreaming about the future, and how it will be when your brother is here. Then I catch myself and pray that I’m not jinxing things. It’s such a hard thing to be happy, to prepare for good times.
I worry I’m not doing your memory justice sometimes. I see so many people doing great things in their angel’s memory and can’t help but feel sad. My book doesn’t sell anymore. People don’t seem interested in helping me get funds for the walk to remember. I have tried so hard, but it’s just not happening. I can’t even get friends to commit to coming to join us for that day. It is such an important day for so many reasons. We didn’t have a funeral or memorial for you and in a way this is it.
I don’t thing people get it. They can’t possibly understand the pain I’m feeling. I hope they never have to. I don’t even know how I am coping emotionally with all of this. I am not the strong person that I let on to be. I am not. I don’t want to be. It’s okay for me to give into the grief and it’s okay for me to be sad. Baby or no baby inside of me. I have to be able to feel all these raw emotions.
So I sit here listening to sad songs (Iris by the goo goo dolls, November Rain by Guns N’ Roses, IDWTMAT Aerosmith) and cry. I think of all the broken promises made to me over these last 10 months.. So much has changed.
I wish you were here with me right now Leia. 10 months seems like so long ago, yet such a short time at the same time.
Never forget that i love you no matter what. We could have 10 more children but none of them will ever replace you.
I love you now and forever
Dear Little Bean,
You are defiantly not the size of a bean anymore. In fact now that I am 19 weeks you are officially the size of a large tomato!
We had an OB appointment today just to talk about the last ultrasound I had a few weeks ago, which I already knew everything was perfect with it. She said the heartbeat was perfect, and couldn’t see any reasons why I couldn’t be induced at 37 weeks. We are still having our care in both places, even though Hamilton (the high risk clinic) wants to see me exclusively. I feel better about knowing I can always check in with the OB here if I have questions or concerns and don’t want to drive 45 mins.
She went over the results and letter she got from McMaster too, it explained that they will be in charge of my care, and delivery. They gave her the results from their Ultrasound too, and all the measurements. I am happy that they are both talking to each other, makes things easier for me. There was also some debate on why Leia actually died. Now some might say it was the diabetes, not being caught early on. So I’ve already had one test just to make sure, and will have another probably in a week or so. But the official results said placental abruption. But my placenta wasn’t damaged the pathologist said, so who knows. There was also the step B which could have caused it. I’ve already been tested for that also and nothing is showing up. At least even if we don’t have a 100% answer we can do lots to prevent it moving forward.
I’m already so impressed with how amazing you are growing. From the little tiny sac at 6 week s to the long baby you already are. On Monday we find out if you are a boy or girl. It’s the first time in 4 months I think I’ve been excited to go to the doctors. It doesn’t matter either way to us. It will be nice to be able to pick out the perfect name for you.
We heard your heart beat on the Doppler there today, it was 156 bpm. By old wives tale that could mean a boy (but she told me a girl lol) so who knows. It was perfect and that is all that matters. I put in an application to rent a Doppler from Tiny beats.org today with my doctors note. I can’t wait till I get it and be able to see on the screen how fast it is going. We will be checking on Monday to make sure all valves are in place and that your heart is strong also.
On Monday night we met with Grace who is going to be my Doula. We met at Tim Hortons, so we could talk about what exactly she does, and boy did we talk. For almost four hours in fact, which was great because I really like her, and she is a great fit for us. The fact she’s geeky like us, can’t hurt either. A the word doula comes from the Greek meaning “a woman who serves”. She provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to me before, during and just after birth.
We have talked about how to deal with my PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and the triggers that might affect me. Ultrasounds are usually a big one, so she could come with me to those. She would also be with me throughout the labor, and help me prepare for my birth plan.
Your daddy will still be with me, but it will be important for someone else to also be there. I have no idea how I’ll be handling things once I do give birth since my last time was so traumatic. The fact that it was for 5 days didn’t help things at all, and being breech without an epidural has done way to much emotional damage.
Research evidence shows that the quality services of a postpartum doula can ease the transition that comes with the addition of a baby to a family, improve parental satisfaction and reduce the risk of mood disorders. I have been worried about what will happen afterwards also, so no more worrying for me!
I am proud of everything I have overcome already to get to this point where I can say I am happy, and that we are going to be bringing a healthy baby home! I wish my mom was here to share in the joys and to meet her grandchild; thankfully we have daddy’s family still.
I am going to start letting you listen to music now, since this week you can really hear what is going on. Also stopping swearing might be a good idea ;) We went shopping for a gift for our friend’s son Carter. I can’t wait for you to meet him! He will be a year old soon and it is unbelievably hard to find the perfect toy for a one year old, we did however find plenty of toys your dad would love.
We will see you soon little bean! In just 5 days!
I have been in some sort of funk today, It started last night really. I had a bad headache and couldn’t shake it. I started to get really upset, and went into your nursery. Or I should say the room that houses all the baby items, it such a mess. I keep thinking I need to do something to it, anything at all really. Organize and sort threw stuff. Maybe this would make my pregnancy feel more real.
I don’t like feeling anxious like I have been. I’ve been relying on the doppler to reassure me everything is okay, which is stupid because I JUST had an Ultrasound on Friday and it was perfect. And the doppler sometimes causes me to panic, if I don’t pick up a heart beat right away. It’s a double edge sword. Not having a car right now has been part of the problem. I started to take the bus today to my Tuesday class but then gave up and took a cab the rest of the way. Walked all the way home which wasn’t too bad until it started to rain.
I’m 17 weeks now and can not wait until I start getting bigger, and feeling little bean move. Last night I think I felt something but again I can’t be sure. I slept on the couch because I was so upset about my headache and it was cooler down here.
Thursday I’m supposed to be at the high risk clinic, but I had to cancel it. I also had an OB appointment Friday but not sure the car will be done by then, so cancelled it too. I really wanted to go so I could get a dr’s note for the Doppler rental. I’m borrowing one right now, and want to give it back asap. We are going to the movies with Auntie Maggie and Uncle John tomorrow I can’t wait. I have free passes so hope we can use them even though I’m going to see one movie with Maggie and Daddy’s seeing another with John.
All I want is for life to be uncomplicated, and stress free. All I want is to be called mommy.
I love you now and forever