I enjoy reading your blog Angie! As sad as it can be, it honestly helps me to appreciate how valuable life is and how incredibly lucky I am to have Samantha in my life and as selfish as that is I thank you for that! - Lindsay Laur mom to Samantha and fellow blogger.
Dear Leia,
Today we went back to Hamilton this time to get my glucose monitor. I learned how to take my blood with it, and how many carbohydrates to eat in a day. I was really afraid going in, but after she explained it all not so much. I did ask a hard question “can this kill my baby”. We were in with another couple but before I asked this question they had told us their story. They lost a daughter at 22 weeks and was expecting in April. I wouldn’t have asked with them in the room, had I not known before hand. The answer is no. I will test my blood 4 times a day and lower the carbs to 200 g a day. I will follow up with my family doctor, and our OB in Hamilton.
I have no worries about the care we have been given thus far, and moving forward. Yes I’ve had 9 ultrasounds but NO there is no harm in having that many. Especially since the High risk Ob’s are looking for important organs and need this information. It’s not like I’m just having them because I’m anxious. Although that would be nice to be able to see him every week :)
I have been thinking about the walk to remember and the butterfly release non stop. I’ve gotten over 200.00 in pledges for it so far, but somehow it doesn’t seem like enough. I feel like I could be doing more for them. After all without Bereaved Families of Ontario I’d still be a walking mess. I guess it’s the thought that counts. We will have the one butterfly in your name and pay for one for my mom. As much as I’m looking forward to this event, at the same time it will be really sad. It will be hard to say ‘goodbye’ all over again, but it is something that will be good for us.
Tomorrow I enter week 25 of this pregnancy. 10 more weeks and i’ll be at the same point where you were when you came into this world. Every day I think it will get easier, and it doesn’t. My nerves are beyond shot at this point. I do hide it well and my tears are coming when nobody is around. I’m not ashamed to be sad, or to miss you like crazy. It’s just easier when I’m alone.
I will be going through the clothes that we have for you very soon, and must start getting stuff ready for your brother. I need to do this, I need to wash all his clothes and keep the faith we will take him home. Rip off every single tag and throw out every receipt. There is NO just in cases. He will be here with us happy and healthy. It will be hard for me to part with items that I bought JUST for you though. Not going to lie, this has been waring heavy on my heart. There will be items I must keep no matter what though.
Lots of questions about if we will have more children, I am really not convinced I can do this again. It is hard knowing what we know. Had everything turned out perfect with you, we would be still pregnant now but that would be it. Now I’m not sure. He is your little brother, you are his big sister in Heaven.
Please give my mom a hug and kiss for me okay? I miss her so so so much, it’s been very hard for me. I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I am struggling to remember the sound of her voice, the last words we said to each other. The last time I saw her alive. My memories are fading, and it makes it worse. I know she is looking over me..
Can’t continue crying way to hard
I love you
mommy
xxoo
Dear Leia,
Reading through my blog entries when I was still pregnant with you usually helps me. It helps me remember how it felt when you kicked, how happy we were. How perfect everything was. But not today. Not now.
I read the last entry to you and cried. Had I known it would be the last I would have said so much more to you. It seems like such a generic stupid letter, and I hate it. There could have been so much more, there should have been.
Then I re-read the first one I wrote when we came home from the hospital. I thought long and hard about writing to you when I was there for those 4 days. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t face the fact that it was over. That I would have deliver my perfect baby.
I have so many regrets, so many things I could have done different. I didn’t spend nearly enough time with you. I didn’t dress you, or undress you. I didn’t take your hat off, or look at your perfect feet.
I can’t believe this was 10 months ago. Where has the time went? How is it that I am still here in the same house, everything looks the same, but its all so different.
Been trying to stay strong, to keep it all together, but I can’t. Looked at the quilt my aunt made for you. It says baby girl Williams on it. I imagined you crawling on it, then learning to walk on it. Then some day giving it to your daughter.
I’ve been dreaming about the future, and how it will be when your brother is here. Then I catch myself and pray that I’m not jinxing things. It’s such a hard thing to be happy, to prepare for good times.
I worry I’m not doing your memory justice sometimes. I see so many people doing great things in their angel’s memory and can’t help but feel sad. My book doesn’t sell anymore. People don’t seem interested in helping me get funds for the walk to remember. I have tried so hard, but it’s just not happening. I can’t even get friends to commit to coming to join us for that day. It is such an important day for so many reasons. We didn’t have a funeral or memorial for you and in a way this is it.
I don’t thing people get it. They can’t possibly understand the pain I’m feeling. I hope they never have to. I don’t even know how I am coping emotionally with all of this. I am not the strong person that I let on to be. I am not. I don’t want to be. It’s okay for me to give into the grief and it’s okay for me to be sad. Baby or no baby inside of me. I have to be able to feel all these raw emotions.
So I sit here listening to sad songs (Iris by the goo goo dolls, November Rain by Guns N’ Roses, IDWTMAT Aerosmith) and cry. I think of all the broken promises made to me over these last 10 months.. So much has changed.
I wish you were here with me right now Leia. 10 months seems like so long ago, yet such a short time at the same time.
Never forget that i love you no matter what. We could have 10 more children but none of them will ever replace you.
I love you now and forever
Mommy
xoxo
Dear Little Bean,
You are defiantly not the size of a bean anymore. In fact now that I am 19 weeks you are officially the size of a large tomato!
We had an OB appointment today just to talk about the last ultrasound I had a few weeks ago, which I already knew everything was perfect with it. She said the heartbeat was perfect, and couldn’t see any reasons why I couldn’t be induced at 37 weeks. We are still having our care in both places, even though Hamilton (the high risk clinic) wants to see me exclusively. I feel better about knowing I can always check in with the OB here if I have questions or concerns and don’t want to drive 45 mins.
She went over the results and letter she got from McMaster too, it explained that they will be in charge of my care, and delivery. They gave her the results from their Ultrasound too, and all the measurements. I am happy that they are both talking to each other, makes things easier for me. There was also some debate on why Leia actually died. Now some might say it was the diabetes, not being caught early on. So I’ve already had one test just to make sure, and will have another probably in a week or so. But the official results said placental abruption. But my placenta wasn’t damaged the pathologist said, so who knows. There was also the step B which could have caused it. I’ve already been tested for that also and nothing is showing up. At least even if we don’t have a 100% answer we can do lots to prevent it moving forward.
I’m already so impressed with how amazing you are growing. From the little tiny sac at 6 week s to the long baby you already are. On Monday we find out if you are a boy or girl. It’s the first time in 4 months I think I’ve been excited to go to the doctors. It doesn’t matter either way to us. It will be nice to be able to pick out the perfect name for you.
We heard your heart beat on the Doppler there today, it was 156 bpm. By old wives tale that could mean a boy (but she told me a girl lol) so who knows. It was perfect and that is all that matters. I put in an application to rent a Doppler from Tiny beats.org today with my doctors note. I can’t wait till I get it and be able to see on the screen how fast it is going. We will be checking on Monday to make sure all valves are in place and that your heart is strong also.
On Monday night we met with Grace who is going to be my Doula. We met at Tim Hortons, so we could talk about what exactly she does, and boy did we talk. For almost four hours in fact, which was great because I really like her, and she is a great fit for us. The fact she’s geeky like us, can’t hurt either. A the word doula comes from the Greek meaning “a woman who serves”. She provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to me before, during and just after birth.
We have talked about how to deal with my PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and the triggers that might affect me. Ultrasounds are usually a big one, so she could come with me to those. She would also be with me throughout the labor, and help me prepare for my birth plan.
Your daddy will still be with me, but it will be important for someone else to also be there. I have no idea how I’ll be handling things once I do give birth since my last time was so traumatic. The fact that it was for 5 days didn’t help things at all, and being breech without an epidural has done way to much emotional damage.
Research evidence shows that the quality services of a postpartum doula can ease the transition that comes with the addition of a baby to a family, improve parental satisfaction and reduce the risk of mood disorders. I have been worried about what will happen afterwards also, so no more worrying for me!
I am proud of everything I have overcome already to get to this point where I can say I am happy, and that we are going to be bringing a healthy baby home! I wish my mom was here to share in the joys and to meet her grandchild; thankfully we have daddy’s family still.
I am going to start letting you listen to music now, since this week you can really hear what is going on. Also stopping swearing might be a good idea ;) We went shopping for a gift for our friend’s son Carter. I can’t wait for you to meet him! He will be a year old soon and it is unbelievably hard to find the perfect toy for a one year old, we did however find plenty of toys your dad would love.
We will see you soon little bean! In just 5 days!
Love you
Mommy
xxoo
Dear Leia,
I have been in some sort of funk today, It started last night really. I had a bad headache and couldn’t shake it. I started to get really upset, and went into your nursery. Or I should say the room that houses all the baby items, it such a mess. I keep thinking I need to do something to it, anything at all really. Organize and sort threw stuff. Maybe this would make my pregnancy feel more real.
I don’t like feeling anxious like I have been. I’ve been relying on the doppler to reassure me everything is okay, which is stupid because I JUST had an Ultrasound on Friday and it was perfect. And the doppler sometimes causes me to panic, if I don’t pick up a heart beat right away. It’s a double edge sword. Not having a car right now has been part of the problem. I started to take the bus today to my Tuesday class but then gave up and took a cab the rest of the way. Walked all the way home which wasn’t too bad until it started to rain.
I’m 17 weeks now and can not wait until I start getting bigger, and feeling little bean move. Last night I think I felt something but again I can’t be sure. I slept on the couch because I was so upset about my headache and it was cooler down here.
Thursday I’m supposed to be at the high risk clinic, but I had to cancel it. I also had an OB appointment Friday but not sure the car will be done by then, so cancelled it too. I really wanted to go so I could get a dr’s note for the Doppler rental. I’m borrowing one right now, and want to give it back asap. We are going to the movies with Auntie Maggie and Uncle John tomorrow I can’t wait. I have free passes so hope we can use them even though I’m going to see one movie with Maggie and Daddy’s seeing another with John.
All I want is for life to be uncomplicated, and stress free. All I want is to be called mommy.
I love you now and forever
Mommy
xxoo
Dear Leia,
I’m having one of those moments (not days as earlier I was fine) that I’m feeling sad and lonely.
I see photos of people going out to the beach, renting cottages, going to the movies, and out to dinner and I’m jealous. I feel so alone sometimes and hate that I don’t get invited out to do things. I am always the invitee. ALWAYS. I’m okay with staying in and watching tv and cooking and having people over. But sometimes I need a break from it all.
I am also starting to worry about the future and what will happen when we have this baby here. I mean being alone is one thing, but alone with a baby is scary. I don’t have my mom to be in the room with us, and there are no way I can ask any friends to be there. I considered hiring a doula just for the support but not sure yet.
Do I dare think that far ahead? I’ve been so freaked out and having panic attacks thinking about the what if’s. I can’t help it, and I don’t mean to. I want to think positive and I know it helps, but at the same time when you were ‘born’ It wasn’t like I was negative nelly or anything. So how can all this help?
Making I need to start taking it day by day again, and go from there. I knew this was going to be a hard journey, but I didn’t realize how hard. I didn’t realize I’d be alone in my struggle. I didn’t realize it was going to be all up hill. I really wish my mom was here. Things would be so much easier if she was. I could talk to her, and she could be here with me.
Instead she’s not, and my dad has sold the house and is moving. All memories of me growing up will be gone with the house. I felt my mom’s presence at the house in the back yard especially. We spent so much time out there in the gazebo out by the pool. She loved her flowers and garden so much. It’s just so unfair that she isn’t here with me.
I’m back at the stage of the what did I do to deserve this.. Why me? Why did my first born have to die? Why did my mom have to die? I’m so beyond over the moon happy to be pregnant again, but there is no way I could handle it if something went wrong. NO way.. I”m now 13 weeks and 4 days so there is a way way less chance but still. I can’t help think of these woman I know who have suffered multiply losses and still births. I don’t want to be one of the people. I feel sorry for them. I hate that they have to feel that way.
I won’t be another statistic. I won’t.
I love you now and forever
Mommy
xxoo
