A year ago yesterday I wrote the following to you:
I’ve been really itching to start your nursery but I know it is way to soon. Especially because we are not sure if you are going to be a boy baby or a girl baby. You have four girl cousins right now so either way its going to be special for you.
We got you your first pair of shoes last week, so cute! So tiny! They are little Nikes.
Mommy is not one to just sit around and wait things out, so this not getting your room ready and not having everything we need for you right now is making me anxious.
Also if you hear me being crazy right now or crying don’t worry nothing is wrong. I’m just feeling emotional. We get to schedule the ultrasound to see you in a few weeks, and we have decided to do 3D so we will really be able to see every part of you.
It seems like a lifetime ago. I was so naive thinking that everything would work out. So much has happen in the year since I started this blog. I have met some wonderful friends, and held my friends so much closer.
I feel guilty for not wanting to buy Little Bean anything. Not that there is anything that we need anyways, but still. I realize I’m only 10 weeks (tomorrow), and have to take things day by day. It is such a surreal feeling. I know I’m pregnant , the morning sickness and hormones won’t let me forget. But I feel like I’m tricking myself into believing that its still with you. That’s so wrong on so many levels.
I really miss my mom, and don’t know how to deal with it. I sit around the house and don’t do much of anything these days. The house needs cleaning, and we really should start packing if we are ever going to move. I get up and think I’m going to do something productive today, but never do. The days are just going by with me not doing anything. The more I sit around, the more I think. The more I think, the more I feel. And I feel sad. I make wishes and promises I know I’ll never keep.
Today is a hard day for many of my new friends Leia. Please watch out for JJ and for Justin. JJ went to Heaven a year ago today, and Justin has been gone for 6 months.
I love you now and forever
If I were looking at a map of my life, this is the point of the journey at which I’d have to ask myself: How did I end up here? A grieving mother desperately trying to hold on.
I would have given you the world Leia, had you asked for it. Instead 6 months ago today you were taken from us. Taken without even being able to take your first breath. Born forever sleeping.
It really doesn’t seem real. Still 6 months later, I am struggling to understand the meaning of my life. Why this had to happen to us? What I did to deserve this?
It is ‘Good Friday’ today, another stupid holiday. Another holiday I don’t have my daughter with me. You already have an Easter dress to wear. It is pink, has lace on it and a tutu attached to it. I remember wondering where we would go for you to wear it.
There will be a lot of people rushing around this weekend trying to make their children’s Easter fun and memorable. I hope that they will know that it doesn’t matter if every little thing is perfect, and that they feel blessed to have this child in their lives.
6 months ago at this exact moment, I was in labor. It was hard, and you were coming out the wrong way. There were doctors, and nurses in the room. And your Daddy was there. He was so sweet, and supportive.
I didn’t want him to see me that way, in so much pain, so very hurt. I realize now, that he was in pain too, just not physically. That is the worst kind of pain, because you can’t do anything to make it better. There is no magic pill that you can take that will suddenly stop the hurt. He held me and whispered in my ear the whole time. We were both crying so hard. I was so tired, and scared.
I was relived when my waters finally broke after being in that hospital room for 4 days. Relived that it would be all almost over, but terrified that once it was over that would be it. I wondered how long I could hold on to you in my stomach naturally and what would happen to me if I just never gave birth.
There was a moment the night before where Daddy and I went for a walk down the hall. I asked if we could go outside, they told us yes so we did. I walked outside in my nice new pink robe wearing that stupid ugly blue hospital gown. I was still pregnant. You could tell I was, and people noticed. I now have no idea how I would have handled it, had someone asked if we were in labor. We looked like a normal couple awaiting the arrival of their baby. Walking the halls, pacing back and forth. Except we were far from that couple. I bought a chocolate bar, something I hadn’t eaten in months. I had given up junk food for you, and it tasted wonderful. But it wasn’t right, I should be eating an apple or nothing at all. How could everything seem so normal?
Even now 6 months later, how do we look like a normal couple? We act like a normal couple, who goes out to the movies. Who stays in and watches tv and plays video games. Who is trying to conceive a baby. A normal couple is not what we are. We are grieving parents trying to understand the meaning of life.
But we are parents none the less. I am still your Mommy, and we love you with all our hearts. Not a moment passes that we don’t think about you, or talk about you.
I am very much struggling to keep it together today Leia. I think about giving up, and admitting defeat. Grief is like a roller coaster, with its ups and downs. Each time we think we can catch our breath and have a good day, then we are hit again with a twist and turn. Then we spiral out of control - totally upside down.
I’m tired of this ride, and I want to get off.
I love you now and forever Leia Sky Williams. I would have given you the world, had you asked for it, but you got Heaven instead.
I still havent found anything to bring tomorrow. I have been stressing at it, and having panic attacks. Going into that small room, facing the 9 other people will be very hard. How can I say those words out loud?
I talk about you all the time. So many people know our story. But its different saying it. If we go and bring something, and then tell people you died, its real.
I have been threw so much, done so much. This shouldnt be so hard. It is the point of the group. Im just so terrifed.
I love you now and forever
While looking for something to bring to group on Tuesday, I came across your heartbeat bear. Breaking down in the nursery isnt something new, but it was different. I pressed the bears stomach and heard that wonderful sound. The tears came slowly, then I remembered. The reality of the situation was too much for me to handle. I grabbed the little booties and put them to my face. They didnt smell like anything at all. I turned them inside out, and saw they had black stains on them. Ink marks, I quicky realized. From your feetprints. My heart stopped, I couldnt breath I had picked up these booties countless times. Why hadnt I ever done this before. How could I not know. I looked at your yellow dress they had you in, and turned it inside out too. It had brown stains on it. Blood. This did it for me. I crumbled in a ball, and cried. I still havent found something to bring. A photo won’t do. None of those pieces of clothing will work either. I dont have a connection to anything special. Everything in this house reminds me of you, how can we choose? I have till Tuesday, but it does not seem like enough time. I said I was going to make cupcakes for the group. Of course I did. When things get bad, I cook. I love you now and forever Mommy Xxoo
I’m actually far from fine. Today has been one of those I dont want to get out of bed days. I knew I shouldn’t have. But I haven’t been to acupuncture all week and felt like I should venture out into the real world.
I always had this six sense thing that happens. I can tell when something bad is happening or about to happen even before it does. I know who’s on the phone and why they are calling (most of the time). If I saw something out loud then it comes true. Let’s say I haven’t talked to your Nana in a while, I’ll say “Oh my mom hasn’t called. I should call her.” Then the phone will ring and it will be her. It is especially true when Bad things are going on.
Like when we lost you. I knew it. I had no reason to think this at all. No signs at all. But I just had that feeling. Today I had the feeling again when I woke up. I got out of bed and before I even had time to get dressed I knew something was wrong.
I can’t compare today to the day we lost you, but the feeling was the same. It’s always been there with me. Mostly with bad things. Sometimes I think that I have the power to make these bad things happen. Like you died because I told the midwife I thought you were going to. I also told your Aunt Rebecca this 3 weeks before anything was even wrong. Even at your 3-d ultrasound I asked them not to start it right away just in case.
It’s so sad that I live in a world that it’s the norm to feel this way. To expect the worst. Especially now. I feel so tired. Tired of it all. I can’t believe anymore that anything good will ever happen again. How can it?
I’m so sad today and lonely. I feel like your daddy blames me for today’s set back. If he doesn’t then he should. This is my fault. It is all my fault.
I can’t be a positive person when so many bad things always happen. What have I done to deserve this. People don’t get it. They can’t. Not unless they have walked in our shoes. Had to deal with all the problems. Especially lately.
Life is too hard. I am tired of it. I’m tired of fighting the good fight just to end up where we were 6 months ago. When will it get better? Why hasn’t it yet?
I do need to take a break. A real one. From everything and everyone. I wish I could just wake up from this awful nightmare that has became my life.
I love you Leia
“A Pair of Shoes”
“A Pair of Shoes”
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
I don’t know what came over me yesterday. I am not normally a ‘feel sorry’ for me type of person. I had promised to be nicer to myself and yesterday showed I haven’t done that yet.
I should be proud that I get up every day. That I put clothes on, that I face the world. That I can go to our group and talk about the things that we shouldn’t ever have to talk about.
Feeling guilty about buying concert tickets, and having an okay day is stupid. People say that you wouldn’t want me to be sad and upset. That’s not true. Of course I will be always this way. I can’t help it. But I can also have good days too.
I love you now and forever