Everyone knows I hate this saying. I don’t feel strong. I don’t want to be strong. It’s okay NOT to be strong. It’s okay to break down, to feel sad, to cry… The fact that people tell you to be strong, means they are expecting you to be strong and if you aren’t then you are a failure.
Last night was so hard for me. When I went to bed my mind wouldn’t stop. I was thinking about the moment I said hello and goodbye to you. It was the single worst and best moment of my life.
We came home from the hospital 6 months ago today, alone. Without you. Without the one person who we had planned our future around. We had a box and the stupid lady from the hospital let us go into the elevator first. She saw I was crying, and in a wheelchair. We were coming from the labor and delivery ward, and I had a box on my lap. There was no baby in my arms, or in a car seat. Yet she said “Let’s let the lovely new mom and dad go down first”. I am sure she didn’t mean it like that if she even knew. But it made me so incredibly mad that she said this. I screamed “I’m not a mom my baby died” or something like this.
The nurse that walked down with us kept asking me if I was going to visit family and where my family was. She was telling me it was so important that we be with family during this time, and that I needed to be strong for them.
Why was it up to me to be strong? My baby literally had just left this world the day before. I didn’t think it was fair to just expect that I’d be strong, and that I’d want to be with family.
Your Momo came down from Texas. She came all that way to be with us and to help us make important decisions. She was the one who went with Daddy to pick out your urn. She told the funeral home we didn’t want a service for you. At first I was very upset, and really wanted to have one. But I am really glad we didn’t. It was the only time I’ve ever been selfish, and I needed to be.
I was going to have this service for the wrong reasons, so I could prove I was strong. So I could have friends by my side, to entertain. This would have been too hard on me, and I am glad I didn’t do it. I couldn’t look people in the eye less than a month after your beautiful baby shower and say thank you for coming. We had just gotten together to celebrate your life, I couldn’t get together to talk about your death.
Maybe this was the wrong decision, but it was mine to make. I’ll be honest I’m feeling alone and hurt today. Nothing new there, my hormones are out of whack and I feel this way a lot. Yesterday I needed my friends to be there for me, and the ones who I thought would be weren’t. I didn’t get any texts or calls, or messages from those people. YET Aerosmith is coming to town and all of a sudden I’m everyone’s best friend. I’m sorry I needed YOU to be there for ME and you couldn’t even send me a pretend message to let me know you are thinking of me?
To the people who did reach out, thank you! I don’t think I would be able to get up in the morning without your help. I did get a lot of messages today asking me if I was okay, and encouraging me not to give up hope. (Judy - I’m ‘fine’ I promise - I know you are reading this - don’t worry I just need time to process how to move forward).
Life is too short to hold grudges, so even though my feelings were upset I’ll get over it. Even though I sometimes feel like I can’t deal with the lack of compassion from the people I thought would care, I’ll be okay.
I realize that I do have a lot of support and love, and people do care about me. It was just such a hard day yesterday. People care about you little girl, which makes me so very sad. To know what could have been. To know what will be for your siblings.
I love you now and forever,
If you are reading this and we haven’t talked in a while please don’t assume I have forgotten about you or don’t care about what is going on in YOUR life. It is really hard though for me right now, and I can’t be the person I used to be. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to know how you are doing. Send me a text/facebook message/email (firstname.lastname@example.org) or leave me a comment here Just don’t tell me to stay strong ;)
Today I was watching Grey’s from last night. I was curled up in a ball, and feeling super sad. Just finished writing my last blog post for Leia. There was this little baby and the mother has to choose to pull the plug alone. I was already upset that the show was portraying grief sessions as silly, then this. I couldn’t take it anymore and ended up turning it off. There are great life lessons to be learn by watching shows like this, but lately I can relate TOO much to the message.
I still havent found anything to bring tomorrow. I have been stressing at it, and having panic attacks. Going into that small room, facing the 9 other people will be very hard. How can I say those words out loud?
I talk about you all the time. So many people know our story. But its different saying it. If we go and bring something, and then tell people you died, its real.
I have been threw so much, done so much. This shouldnt be so hard. It is the point of the group. Im just so terrifed.
I love you now and forever
While looking for something to bring to group on Tuesday, I came across your heartbeat bear. Breaking down in the nursery isnt something new, but it was different. I pressed the bears stomach and heard that wonderful sound. The tears came slowly, then I remembered. The reality of the situation was too much for me to handle. I grabbed the little booties and put them to my face. They didnt smell like anything at all. I turned them inside out, and saw they had black stains on them. Ink marks, I quicky realized. From your feetprints. My heart stopped, I couldnt breath I had picked up these booties countless times. Why hadnt I ever done this before. How could I not know. I looked at your yellow dress they had you in, and turned it inside out too. It had brown stains on it. Blood. This did it for me. I crumbled in a ball, and cried. I still havent found something to bring. A photo won’t do. None of those pieces of clothing will work either. I dont have a connection to anything special. Everything in this house reminds me of you, how can we choose? I have till Tuesday, but it does not seem like enough time. I said I was going to make cupcakes for the group. Of course I did. When things get bad, I cook. I love you now and forever Mommy Xxoo
I’m actually far from fine. Today has been one of those I dont want to get out of bed days. I knew I shouldn’t have. But I haven’t been to acupuncture all week and felt like I should venture out into the real world.
I always had this six sense thing that happens. I can tell when something bad is happening or about to happen even before it does. I know who’s on the phone and why they are calling (most of the time). If I saw something out loud then it comes true. Let’s say I haven’t talked to your Nana in a while, I’ll say “Oh my mom hasn’t called. I should call her.” Then the phone will ring and it will be her. It is especially true when Bad things are going on.
Like when we lost you. I knew it. I had no reason to think this at all. No signs at all. But I just had that feeling. Today I had the feeling again when I woke up. I got out of bed and before I even had time to get dressed I knew something was wrong.
I can’t compare today to the day we lost you, but the feeling was the same. It’s always been there with me. Mostly with bad things. Sometimes I think that I have the power to make these bad things happen. Like you died because I told the midwife I thought you were going to. I also told your Aunt Rebecca this 3 weeks before anything was even wrong. Even at your 3-d ultrasound I asked them not to start it right away just in case.
It’s so sad that I live in a world that it’s the norm to feel this way. To expect the worst. Especially now. I feel so tired. Tired of it all. I can’t believe anymore that anything good will ever happen again. How can it?
I’m so sad today and lonely. I feel like your daddy blames me for today’s set back. If he doesn’t then he should. This is my fault. It is all my fault.
I can’t be a positive person when so many bad things always happen. What have I done to deserve this. People don’t get it. They can’t. Not unless they have walked in our shoes. Had to deal with all the problems. Especially lately.
Life is too hard. I am tired of it. I’m tired of fighting the good fight just to end up where we were 6 months ago. When will it get better? Why hasn’t it yet?
I do need to take a break. A real one. From everything and everyone. I wish I could just wake up from this awful nightmare that has became my life.
I love you Leia
“A Pair of Shoes”
“A Pair of Shoes”
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
I don’t know what came over me yesterday. I am not normally a ‘feel sorry’ for me type of person. I had promised to be nicer to myself and yesterday showed I haven’t done that yet.
I should be proud that I get up every day. That I put clothes on, that I face the world. That I can go to our group and talk about the things that we shouldn’t ever have to talk about.
Feeling guilty about buying concert tickets, and having an okay day is stupid. People say that you wouldn’t want me to be sad and upset. That’s not true. Of course I will be always this way. I can’t help it. But I can also have good days too.
I love you now and forever