Ryder is 28 weeks old today and all I can think of is you. How beautiful you must be, and smart.
I see so much of you in him. His sweet face makes me cry. I love him so much. I love you.
I carried you for almost 9 months. I watched you grow, I shopped for you, prepared your room, tried to do my best for your safe arrival and yet I failed.
All I am left with is a broken heart, some blankets, a hat, and a few photos.
I am feeling extra emotional today. I had a dream about you and my mommy again. This time your hair was reddish blond, and you were so very tall. You reached out to touch me and i woke up. Oh how I wish I could have felt that touch in real life.
I am so blessed to have your brother in our lives. But still I need you to be here with me also.
I am more comfortable around babies now, and recently picked up one that was your age. I didn’t think about it, I just did it. Then later it came to me that she could be your best friend.
The days are all moving by so quickly. Before I know it you will be gone 2 years. It is very hard for me to wrap my head around this.
We spend so much time focusing and talking about Ryder, I want you to know I never forget you. I never for one moment stop thinking of you.
A few nights ago I had another gallbladder attack and had to go to the emergency room. I did not want to go but had to. The hospital was the same one I found out I was expecting you at. The room where I first got to meet you on the ultrasound screen was the same one they wheeled me into do a test on. I started to cry hard. The lady didn’t say anything.
The person taking my blood did though when she asked about your feet print. I cried and told her. She hugged me which was beautiful. I needed that hug.
Please come to me in my dreams again tonight.
I love you
1 year 8 months
14 622.7 hours
52 641 780 seconds
I miss my mommy so bad right now. I need a hug. I can’t stop crying.
I received a lovely message from her friend today that made me sad. I see things that remind me of her every day. Things I want to tell her but can’t.
I need her. I need her here with me alive and well. I don’t want her to be gone. I don’t want my daughter to be dead.
I want my mom and my daughter here with me right this very second. Ryder needs his Nana and his sister. I need them.
Life really knows how to kick you when you don’t expect it. I can utter Leia’s name a million times in one day and be proud she was my daughter. But mention my mom’s name and I lose it.
I know she is taking care of Leia and watching over us. But I need her with me. It’s not fair.
She was the best mom a girl could ask for. The best friend someone would ever want. Funny, social, and an awesome person. It shouldn’t have been her that left us. It’s just not fair.
I don’t care what anyone says about her time to go, or she wouldn’t want to me to be sad. Forgot it. I am sad, and I miss my mom. I miss my daughter. I am feeling sorry for myself and that’s allowed.
It has been a really long time since I cried this hard and since I felt this bad. Seeing a brand new baby girl made it all a reality. The what could have been.
Going to a baby shower was a trigger I am sure for my grief to kick back in.
I love Ryder so much. It is crazy how much love I can feel for one person. It just hurts that much more knowing what we missed out on.
One giant knot of a mess….
I decided to get my hair cut a few days ago. It was really a long time coming and I don’t regret it at all. I needed a change and it was so thick and long I couldn’t do anything with it.
My husband dropped me off at the hair dresser that I had a coupon for. Not the place I normally would have chose but heck it was cheap enough.
I guess you get what you pay for. My hair cut is very nice, but the hair dresser. OMG If I had a pair of scissors I would have cut her.
I was feeling emotional as it was, about cutting my hair and about turning 37 (which let’s face it almost 40). I wasn’t in the mood to chit chat. She asked why I was cutting my hair, I said my son pulls on it and I really just want a change. She said Oh you are a new mom I can tell.
Of course I couldn’t just let it go. I said well I’m a new mom to a child on earth. But our daughter passed away when I was 35 weeks. Silence.
Then a few minutes later she started the usual questions. Why did she die? What happened? Oh Yes my sister’s best friends cousin’s mother had a miscarriage. I answered the best I could and smiled politely when she said those words I hate “Everything happens for a reason”. Honestly. If her 1st born was ripped from her body never to be seen again, would she be saying those words?
She then said her daughter’s delivery was terrible. Oh did her child die? NO then why are telling me this? She said because she had hard labour she doesn’t want to have another child. But she will tell her it’s okay to try again since we obviously were strong enough to do it. Okay she got points for that one.
Then she said something about SIDS and that the babies that die from SIDS are meant to die. Umm what??? I wanted to scream. She had the scissors so I said nothing. NOTHING. Then I said Well it is a very scary reality and after what we have been through the worry is always there. She back tracked and started on a new topic. Okay good finally back to a normal conversation.
Then a few minutes later she said something about we should have a daughter now that we have a son. And then went on to give me advice about how if you stop trying to get pregnant you will. Like it’s just that easy.
I did say we have a daughter, and having another will not replace her. Yes we would love our son to have a sibling but it doesn’t matter the sex as long as they are healthy.
I love talking about Leia, and do it honestly. BUT that being said I don’t need to be told she died because she was meant to. I’ve heard it way too many times. It’s not fair and a very mean thing to say to someone EVER.
It’s my own fault for bring it up. I don’t want to ever lie so maybe the solution is to avoid the question all together. I could have said I want a hair cut because I have headaches, or I’m tired of the knots. All true statements.
This grief thing really sucks. It’s a never ending roller coaster. People see me with Ryder and always ask if he is my first. ALWAYS. Then I can’t lie. I can’t even say no he’s not and leave it at that. I’ve tried. Then they ask about our other child. I’ve said We had a daughter and we have a daughter. Then how old? I say she would be a year and a half. Almost 2.
It’s all one big giant knot of a mess. In hind sight I should have just kept the long hair. It’s a metaphor of my life.
I received a huge package that I had to sign for today. It was in regards to my midwife complaint.
It’s over 200 pages. I don’t have the energy to read it. I briefly glanced through a few pages and now and sitting here bawling, feeling like shit.
“Patient has a higher than above average BMI - Obesity is a known cause of stillbirths”
I hadn’t even thought of this before. Something else to add to add to the guilt pile.
A Thousand Words Can’t Bring You Back,
I Know Because I Tried
And Neither Can a Million Tears
I Know Because I Cried.
Widow in the City Q&A
Twitter plays host to many wonderful people, one of them is a beautiful soul named Tonya.
I started following her on twitter @WidowintheCity shortly after our daughter died. I saw she had a blog named Widow in the City (a safe haven for broken grieving hearts) so I decided to check it out.
About Tonya’s website:
This is a place for all broken grieving hearts to come, its my safe haven and I share this with all of you to be your safe haven. I am hoping through my journey of grieving as well as my real life experiences through grieving I can help all through their darkest hours, to ease the pain a little less, to maybe just give an ear to listen because sometimes that’s all we need.
I am willing to bare all to each and everyone who comes to this blog. I want no one to be shy of anything. I want anyone to ask question’s, tell their stories with pride. No one will judge you, or think you are different. We are all here going through the same thing GRIEVING. This is my safe haven, your safe haven. The place to heal, to find your smile again. Through this all I am on a journey to writing a book as well “The Grieving Path To Joy”.
She is an Own Ambassador and a very talented writer. I asked her a few questions and she was kind enough to answer.
1) Do you believe in angels and signs? Care to share anything that reminds you of your husband?
About a month after my husband passed when I was at my worse I was in our home and heard as though someone was in the stairs cause our stairs always cracked and creaked so I felt in my stomach to go up in our room and take pictures, in those pictures I saw something so amazing and immediately as I seen my pain had went away in the tv in our room was his face in 2 pictures I took it was right in that moment I felt at ease that he was really there with me that he wanted me to be ok. After this whole ordeal I felt to go for coffee to think of what happened and to go where it was he loved to go. Coming home as soon as entering the house I heard a noise a clicking noise, if you know my husband then you would know he always carried a pen with him and when he wrote he would click the pen he was using it was a clicking noise coming from our daughters room yet you could not tell exactly where it was coming from it when on for quite a bit and in those moments all I could feel was his presence after this day I knew in my heart he would always be with us. On another occasion every summer there is a butterfly that will always be around me on the porch sitting there on the railing for hours and hours, again in all of me I felt comforted by this and just knew he was there. Every day that goes by there is not one time that I don’t see a heart weather its a shape in the clouds or signs my day is always filled with seeing hearts.
2) What advice can you give someone who has just lost a child/spouse/parent or loved one?
To all that lost someone I say feel that pain but don’t let it take over you. Find it in you to understand it is not pain that they brought to your life, that when they were here it wasn’t pain you felt it was love. Take baby steps in all you do its in the little you will find your big moments of all that you are making it through. Find your happy thought. Go outside as much as you can to see the world is not stopping. Try to find the little things that help you, little gestures to celebrate them. Dig deep to understand as you go through pain it can open your heart to so many blessings if you give it a chance. Take the breaks you need, be proud that you made it through another day even if nothing planned was finished because the most important thing is that you have gone through another day. Most of all do not forget to breathe, deep breaths are a must.
3) It’s no secret Oprah has made an impact in your life if you could meet her one day what would you say to her?
I’d say thank you for opening my heart, for allowing me to become whole, for giving me the extra strength I needed in the darkest of times. I’d say thank you for being the bright light for all that have not yet found their own light, most of all thank you for bringing the most valuable people to my life OWNAmbassadors.
4) Deepak Chopra is also one of my role models care to share your favorite quote by him?
LOVE HIM. My fave would definitely have to be “what other people think of you is none of your business”.
5) Do you think it is possible to find love again after your loved one dies?
YES I most certainly do someone will fit, everyone gets second chances and if truly blessed with Love again is a blessing to you. Life is love. We are here to be happy, our loved ones passed would not want us to be forever alone. Just because we find love again doesn’t mean their love will be replaced, their love forever stays in our special place.
Her website can be found here:
Overheard in your birth club email…
“It’s such a struggle to feed Leia. Suddenly the world is way more interesting than her bottle, and she’d rather gawk at everything in sight than focus on drinking. I swear her head can swivel 180 degrees.” – Reen
I get weekly updates on Ryder from baby center which I usually just trash but this one caught my eye. Struggle to feed Leia. SOB
It has been such a emotional day this just added to it. It has never occurred to me that there are living breathing babies with her name. How do other mom’s do this? There must be a lot of same name, same age as your child babies.
Every once in a while I have to go into our fire proof safe. We have important paper work in it and my moms wedding rings.
At the very bottom hide away is this envelope. I have no idea what is in it nor do I want to know. I vaguely remember signing papers, paying the funeral home, being handed papers to keep in a safe place.
I remember there was a funeral of an older gentleman going on and his family was there. Kids running around obvious of their surroundings. There was a smell of stale cleanliness and pine. I spotted a baby sleeping in her mothers arms.
Meanwhile my baby was a pile of ashes in a teddy bear urn.
They needed me there to sign papers. If I didn’t sign them maybe then my daughter would be alive, I thought.
My husband and Mother in Law went to pick out the urn and make arrangements. A task I just could not do. That was the first time guilt reared its ugly head. I was going but at the last second made him drop me off at a friends.
Then a few days later I had to go sign more papers and be there to collect her urn. It was right after Canadian Thanksgiving. I had nothing to feel thankful for.
The flip flops I was wearing made a horrible squeaking noise against the tiled floor. I was wearing my favourite pink shirt and black pants.
The time seemed to go by so slow. I sat beside this lady and my husband. We did not make eye contact. There was a lot of talk about a service for Leia. Another choice I wasn’t ready to make.
Who would I “invite”? How do you tell people about a funeral? Make a Facebook invite? Send out invites in the mail? Text people? I was not going to call anyone. I just sent out the thank you cards from the baby showers. It hadn’t even been two weeks.
I needed to be in charge of something since my life was spiraling out of control. I decided there was no way I could stand there and console other people or make small talk.
I did not need anyone to feel any sorrier for us. I did not need to feel rejected if nobody came. So in the end I made a hard call to forgo the service.
I have a lot of regrets but this is not one of them . We remember our beautiful girl every day in our way.
One day I will open this enveloe. I think it is something we need in case we move to the states to bring her ashes. Or if we spread them we need it. Either way my heart is too heavy to know for sure.