Widow in the City Q&A
Twitter plays host to many wonderful people, one of them is a beautiful soul named Tonya.
I started following her on twitter @WidowintheCity shortly after our daughter died. I saw she had a blog named Widow in the City (a safe haven for broken grieving hearts) so I decided to check it out.
About Tonya’s website:
This is a place for all broken grieving hearts to come, its my safe haven and I share this with all of you to be your safe haven. I am hoping through my journey of grieving as well as my real life experiences through grieving I can help all through their darkest hours, to ease the pain a little less, to maybe just give an ear to listen because sometimes that’s all we need.
I am willing to bare all to each and everyone who comes to this blog. I want no one to be shy of anything. I want anyone to ask question’s, tell their stories with pride. No one will judge you, or think you are different. We are all here going through the same thing GRIEVING. This is my safe haven, your safe haven. The place to heal, to find your smile again. Through this all I am on a journey to writing a book as well “The Grieving Path To Joy”.
She is an Own Ambassador and a very talented writer. I asked her a few questions and she was kind enough to answer.
1) Do you believe in angels and signs? Care to share anything that reminds you of your husband?
About a month after my husband passed when I was at my worse I was in our home and heard as though someone was in the stairs cause our stairs always cracked and creaked so I felt in my stomach to go up in our room and take pictures, in those pictures I saw something so amazing and immediately as I seen my pain had went away in the tv in our room was his face in 2 pictures I took it was right in that moment I felt at ease that he was really there with me that he wanted me to be ok. After this whole ordeal I felt to go for coffee to think of what happened and to go where it was he loved to go. Coming home as soon as entering the house I heard a noise a clicking noise, if you know my husband then you would know he always carried a pen with him and when he wrote he would click the pen he was using it was a clicking noise coming from our daughters room yet you could not tell exactly where it was coming from it when on for quite a bit and in those moments all I could feel was his presence after this day I knew in my heart he would always be with us. On another occasion every summer there is a butterfly that will always be around me on the porch sitting there on the railing for hours and hours, again in all of me I felt comforted by this and just knew he was there. Every day that goes by there is not one time that I don’t see a heart weather its a shape in the clouds or signs my day is always filled with seeing hearts.
2) What advice can you give someone who has just lost a child/spouse/parent or loved one?
To all that lost someone I say feel that pain but don’t let it take over you. Find it in you to understand it is not pain that they brought to your life, that when they were here it wasn’t pain you felt it was love. Take baby steps in all you do its in the little you will find your big moments of all that you are making it through. Find your happy thought. Go outside as much as you can to see the world is not stopping. Try to find the little things that help you, little gestures to celebrate them. Dig deep to understand as you go through pain it can open your heart to so many blessings if you give it a chance. Take the breaks you need, be proud that you made it through another day even if nothing planned was finished because the most important thing is that you have gone through another day. Most of all do not forget to breathe, deep breaths are a must.
3) It’s no secret Oprah has made an impact in your life if you could meet her one day what would you say to her?
I’d say thank you for opening my heart, for allowing me to become whole, for giving me the extra strength I needed in the darkest of times. I’d say thank you for being the bright light for all that have not yet found their own light, most of all thank you for bringing the most valuable people to my life OWNAmbassadors.
4) Deepak Chopra is also one of my role models care to share your favorite quote by him?
LOVE HIM. My fave would definitely have to be “what other people think of you is none of your business”.
5) Do you think it is possible to find love again after your loved one dies?
YES I most certainly do someone will fit, everyone gets second chances and if truly blessed with Love again is a blessing to you. Life is love. We are here to be happy, our loved ones passed would not want us to be forever alone. Just because we find love again doesn’t mean their love will be replaced, their love forever stays in our special place.
Her website can be found here:
Every once in a while I have to go into our fire proof safe. We have important paper work in it and my moms wedding rings.
At the very bottom hide away is this envelope. I have no idea what is in it nor do I want to know. I vaguely remember signing papers, paying the funeral home, being handed papers to keep in a safe place.
I remember there was a funeral of an older gentleman going on and his family was there. Kids running around obvious of their surroundings. There was a smell of stale cleanliness and pine. I spotted a baby sleeping in her mothers arms.
Meanwhile my baby was a pile of ashes in a teddy bear urn.
They needed me there to sign papers. If I didn’t sign them maybe then my daughter would be alive, I thought.
My husband and Mother in Law went to pick out the urn and make arrangements. A task I just could not do. That was the first time guilt reared its ugly head. I was going but at the last second made him drop me off at a friends.
Then a few days later I had to go sign more papers and be there to collect her urn. It was right after Canadian Thanksgiving. I had nothing to feel thankful for.
The flip flops I was wearing made a horrible squeaking noise against the tiled floor. I was wearing my favourite pink shirt and black pants.
The time seemed to go by so slow. I sat beside this lady and my husband. We did not make eye contact. There was a lot of talk about a service for Leia. Another choice I wasn’t ready to make.
Who would I “invite”? How do you tell people about a funeral? Make a Facebook invite? Send out invites in the mail? Text people? I was not going to call anyone. I just sent out the thank you cards from the baby showers. It hadn’t even been two weeks.
I needed to be in charge of something since my life was spiraling out of control. I decided there was no way I could stand there and console other people or make small talk.
I did not need anyone to feel any sorrier for us. I did not need to feel rejected if nobody came. So in the end I made a hard call to forgo the service.
I have a lot of regrets but this is not one of them . We remember our beautiful girl every day in our way.
One day I will open this enveloe. I think it is something we need in case we move to the states to bring her ashes. Or if we spread them we need it. Either way my heart is too heavy to know for sure.
Happy Birthday..
Tomorrow is my mom’s birthday. Was my mom’s birthday. It’s also 13 months since Leia was born. I thought it would get easier once we hit the year mark. It’s not.
I miss my mom a lot. While everyone will be excited and happy to buy the new Aerosmith album I’ll be sad.
I need to stop joking around about me being upset that I’m not going to the Aerosmith concert. I honestly don’t care. All I care about is my son and his safe arrival. I don’t care about cds, records, concerts or DVDs. Nothing matters.
Why does this week have to be so tough? Week 35, my mom’s bd, Leia’s would be due date..
Is it the 21st yet?
Dear Leia,
Today we went back to Hamilton this time to get my glucose monitor. I learned how to take my blood with it, and how many carbohydrates to eat in a day. I was really afraid going in, but after she explained it all not so much. I did ask a hard question “can this kill my baby”. We were in with another couple but before I asked this question they had told us their story. They lost a daughter at 22 weeks and was expecting in April. I wouldn’t have asked with them in the room, had I not known before hand. The answer is no. I will test my blood 4 times a day and lower the carbs to 200 g a day. I will follow up with my family doctor, and our OB in Hamilton.
I have no worries about the care we have been given thus far, and moving forward. Yes I’ve had 9 ultrasounds but NO there is no harm in having that many. Especially since the High risk Ob’s are looking for important organs and need this information. It’s not like I’m just having them because I’m anxious. Although that would be nice to be able to see him every week :)
I have been thinking about the walk to remember and the butterfly release non stop. I’ve gotten over 200.00 in pledges for it so far, but somehow it doesn’t seem like enough. I feel like I could be doing more for them. After all without Bereaved Families of Ontario I’d still be a walking mess. I guess it’s the thought that counts. We will have the one butterfly in your name and pay for one for my mom. As much as I’m looking forward to this event, at the same time it will be really sad. It will be hard to say ‘goodbye’ all over again, but it is something that will be good for us.
Tomorrow I enter week 25 of this pregnancy. 10 more weeks and i’ll be at the same point where you were when you came into this world. Every day I think it will get easier, and it doesn’t. My nerves are beyond shot at this point. I do hide it well and my tears are coming when nobody is around. I’m not ashamed to be sad, or to miss you like crazy. It’s just easier when I’m alone.
I will be going through the clothes that we have for you very soon, and must start getting stuff ready for your brother. I need to do this, I need to wash all his clothes and keep the faith we will take him home. Rip off every single tag and throw out every receipt. There is NO just in cases. He will be here with us happy and healthy. It will be hard for me to part with items that I bought JUST for you though. Not going to lie, this has been waring heavy on my heart. There will be items I must keep no matter what though.
Lots of questions about if we will have more children, I am really not convinced I can do this again. It is hard knowing what we know. Had everything turned out perfect with you, we would be still pregnant now but that would be it. Now I’m not sure. He is your little brother, you are his big sister in Heaven.
Please give my mom a hug and kiss for me okay? I miss her so so so much, it’s been very hard for me. I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I am struggling to remember the sound of her voice, the last words we said to each other. The last time I saw her alive. My memories are fading, and it makes it worse. I know she is looking over me..
Can’t continue crying way to hard
I love you
mommy
xxoo
In less than a month we will be participating in the walk to remember for Leia (and my mom). There will also be a butterfly release, all pledges go to Bereaved Families of Ontario. This is an organization very close to our hearts, for without them we would have not been able to survive the loss of our beloved Leia Sky Williams. We had one on one support and was able to attend a group for parents who have had a loss of a baby. Now I attend a subsequent pregnancy group through them. All of these groups have been free because of the generous support and donations they receive. I appreciate all the pledges so far, it means a lot to us to have this support. I have been receiving a lot of emails and private messages asking how you can help me and if I need anything for little bean. I would much rather collect pledges for this worthy cause. Every single dollar counts! I hope that you never need to use any of the services that BFO offers but you might know someone who will (or has such as us). Please remember that all funds go to them!
Dear Leia,
Reading through my blog entries when I was still pregnant with you usually helps me. It helps me remember how it felt when you kicked, how happy we were. How perfect everything was. But not today. Not now.
I read the last entry to you and cried. Had I known it would be the last I would have said so much more to you. It seems like such a generic stupid letter, and I hate it. There could have been so much more, there should have been.
Then I re-read the first one I wrote when we came home from the hospital. I thought long and hard about writing to you when I was there for those 4 days. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t face the fact that it was over. That I would have deliver my perfect baby.
I have so many regrets, so many things I could have done different. I didn’t spend nearly enough time with you. I didn’t dress you, or undress you. I didn’t take your hat off, or look at your perfect feet.
I can’t believe this was 10 months ago. Where has the time went? How is it that I am still here in the same house, everything looks the same, but its all so different.
Been trying to stay strong, to keep it all together, but I can’t. Looked at the quilt my aunt made for you. It says baby girl Williams on it. I imagined you crawling on it, then learning to walk on it. Then some day giving it to your daughter.
I’ve been dreaming about the future, and how it will be when your brother is here. Then I catch myself and pray that I’m not jinxing things. It’s such a hard thing to be happy, to prepare for good times.
I worry I’m not doing your memory justice sometimes. I see so many people doing great things in their angel’s memory and can’t help but feel sad. My book doesn’t sell anymore. People don’t seem interested in helping me get funds for the walk to remember. I have tried so hard, but it’s just not happening. I can’t even get friends to commit to coming to join us for that day. It is such an important day for so many reasons. We didn’t have a funeral or memorial for you and in a way this is it.
I don’t thing people get it. They can’t possibly understand the pain I’m feeling. I hope they never have to. I don’t even know how I am coping emotionally with all of this. I am not the strong person that I let on to be. I am not. I don’t want to be. It’s okay for me to give into the grief and it’s okay for me to be sad. Baby or no baby inside of me. I have to be able to feel all these raw emotions.
So I sit here listening to sad songs (Iris by the goo goo dolls, November Rain by Guns N’ Roses, IDWTMAT Aerosmith) and cry. I think of all the broken promises made to me over these last 10 months.. So much has changed.
I wish you were here with me right now Leia. 10 months seems like so long ago, yet such a short time at the same time.
Never forget that i love you no matter what. We could have 10 more children but none of them will ever replace you.
I love you now and forever
Mommy
xoxo
It was at 7pm when I met you for the first time. I loved you from the moment I found out I was pregnant but this was different. A beautiful perfect baby who I would have done anything for.
I love you now and forever
I miss my mom so much right now. I need to talk to her. I need to hear her voice, to laugh and joke around with me. I need for her to say something about her love for Steven Tyler. I need her to come into the delivery room with me, to hold my hand. To tell me it is all going to be okay. I need her to wipe away my tears right now.
