What a Grieving Mother Really Thinks
Hello old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please
Don’t look away
And change the subject
It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people said, “My, she is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me..
My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see,
everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say—
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart. ♥
I’m pretty sure my heart is going to stop beating at any moment from grief….
I miss you Leia. I miss you Mom. I really need a hug right now…
Dear Leia,
How can someone “just feel better”? Been asking myself this question for a few days, and not coming up with any answers.
Why should I rush to feel better? I’ve been through so much in the last six months that I shouldn’t be rushing to feel normal.
There is no ‘normal’ timetable for grieving, and it can’t be forced or hurried. I need to learn to be patient with myself. Over and over again I promise I am going to do this, but don’t follow through.
Alas, I will have to follow through. No more stress, no more drama, no more tears (well that’s not true). I vow to make a change from this moment on, and sadly that might mean going on a hiatus for a while.
In the event I don’t write for a while (not likely to happen) know I love you now and forever Leia.
Mommy
xxoo
Dear Leia,
I can’t believe it’s been two weeks since your nana died. I have never gone this long without talking to her before, and I’m not sure how I’ll survive. I miss her so much , it’s making it hard to breathe.
There is a chocolate Easter bunny in the fridge with your daddy’s name on it from her. It was the last thing she sent to us in a huge gift basket. I keep seeing it, every time I open the door. I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to handle this.
There is so many emotions running through me right now. I feel so empty, alone, and guilty. Guilty that I wasted those few months being angry at her. I know deep down, she wanted to be with me when you died, but couldn’t. It wasn’t her fault, it was the choice she made long ago. It still really hurt me, and as hard as it was I forgave her.
As I sat by her dead body, I cried and talked to her, and told her that I forgave her. Was this enough? Does she really know that I truly did forgive her, and that I would have done anything for her? We talked every day, but we didn’t really talk talk. Not the type of talking that needed to be done anyways.
When I was cleaning out her side dresser, I came across the photos of you. She told me she kept them by her bed, and talked to you every day. She had your 3d ultrasound photos in there as well. She even had it on the calender as your 6 month angelversary. I know that you guys are together but I really want and need my Mommy right now.
I need to be able to talk to my mom and tell her the things we never talked about. Life isn’t supposed to be this way..
Dear Leia
Today is a beautiful day, one that has people out walking and all windows wide open. I woke up in a sweat this morning, reeling from a nightmare. By I was happy it was nice outside. All I want to do is sleep but when its nice, that’s hard to do. I do need to be walking more, and we have to start cleaning. it is so hard to find the energy to do anything.
On Monday it will be your daddy and I`s 8 yr wedding anniversary. We dont have plans, but we should celebrate. While most couples get a divorce after a baby loss, we are stronger because of it. Seems like we have been through so much, we have fought the odds.
We got married at a wedding chapel in London Ontario, on April 23 2004. Nobody thought we would get married since we had been together since 1997. I think it was me who suggested it, because Aerosmith was going to be in Hamilton. The conversation went something like “Hey Aerosmith is going to be playing on the 22nd do you want to go? And maybe we could get married the next day?” I spent my last night as Angie Hanes with Steven Tyler! It was my first time seeing them even though I had been a fan since age 15. We were 7th row on the floor, and moved up to the catwalk. Before the show, we met up with some friends I had talked to from the fan club message boards. Meeting Jenn and Kevin was the start of a 8 year friendship.
At the wedding chapel the next day, we got married. Your aunt Kim was the only witness, other than the owners. The chapel was called Crystals, the waitress at the restaurant after was named Crystal too. Even the casino we went to after had slots named Crystal. I love your daddy so very much. Looking forward to our 25th wedding anniversary where your brothers and sisters can celebrate with us.
I love you now and forever
Love mommy Xxoo
Ps please kiss my mommy for me i miss her..
Can you heart literally stop beating due to grief?
I’m no stranger to grief, it has been eating me up for the last 6 months. 6 long months have gone by since our daughter was born sleeping. It took me at least 3 of those months to be able to get out of bed, and go out of the house. Even when I would venture out, I would avoid key places I had visted when I was expecting her.
Just over a week ago today, I lost my best friend my Mom Pauline. She was 64 this year, and so very heart broken to have lost her first grandchild. Her heart stopped working, something I have feared will happen to me.
Her grief was of a different kind, she was mouring the loss of her grandchild but also dealing with the fact she let me down. The guilt of not being with me when I needed her to be, was eating her up. I had forgave her a long time ago, but did tell her when I sat by her beside after she passed.
The doctors tell me that she was fine one minute, talking about me and how bad she felt for us. She told the nurse that she was hoping we would be expecting again soon, and didn’t want me to be sad any longer. Then her heart stopped beating.
I have been trying to be gentle on myself, however I am having a hard time. I feel guilty if I’m not sad enough. It has taken 6 months for me to be in a better place, and now I should be happy I’m not having a nervous breakdown.
Had we not gone through the death of Leia, I don’t think I would be able to even function right now. I am trying hard to know my mom didn’t want me to be sad, not even for her death. Spending those hours with her after her death, reassured me she was in a better place.
https://www.thegrieftoolbox.com/article/can-you-heart-literally-stop-beating-due-grief
*I can’t believe it’s been a week already! I miss you so much mommy it hurts to breathe.. Please take care of Leia for us*
Dear Leia
I cant believe your Nana has been with you for a week. We hadnt spoken that day at all and in my heart I knew something was wrong.
I am doing my best to not have a nervous breakdown, but my aniexty level is super high. I literally cant get warm, and feel numb. On the outside I probably look normal, but in the inside I am so far from fine.
We have our grieving group on tuesday, I am very nervous. I know its important to go, and to particpate but it will be hard. It has taken me six months to get to a place where i could go have “fun” without feeling bad.
Nana wouldnt want me to be sad, in fact she just sent me a card on thursday that told me that she wanted me to feel better. She loved life so much, and hated seeing me cry and hurt. I just cant imagine a day when i will be happy again.
Take care of each other
Love you now and forever
Mommy
Xxoo
