Scrubbing away my tears…
It’s funny how the littlest thing can be a trigger.. I was trying to catch up on dishes just now when all of a sudden I busted out in tears. I had reached for the scrubber like I’ve done a million times before, however all of a sudden I remembered where it came from.
I purchased it for my rock n roll baby shower for Leia that was on Sept 11 2011. It was supposed to be a prize. It is a pink pot scrubber with a skull face. I thought it was cool but wanted to give it out, my husband thought I bought it for myself and started to use it.
I haven’t given this much thought in the days since Leia died. I haven’t really had a good cry in a long time. Well that’s not true on Christmas day I was in tears missing my mom and daughter.
My head has been pounding for weeks now. I have had a migraine off and on for days. I am at my wist end on what to do about it. No amount or combination of pills are helping. Heat doesn’t help, nor does rubbing my neck. The pain is in my neck (no pun intended). I can’t wait for the new year when I can get a massage again. Or maybe acupuncture.
Right now I’m going to leave the dishes or better yet just toss them in the trash and start fresh. Shhh I do this sometimes when I really don’t want to do the pan and it has been in the sink for too many days. My husband does plenty of dishes but sometimes I just gotta let one go. Maybe this is where all the spoons has gone?
Dear Leia,
I can’t believe you have been gone for 14 months. 14 long long months. I have been thinking about you so very much especially since your brother is here with us. I wonder if he is like you. I wonder how things would be this time around with two children under the age of 2 in the house.
This will be your second Christmas in Heaven. We hung your star in the tree. It was the first thing that went on it. Daddy was so sweet to remember to do this first. This will be the first Christmas we actually celebrate in a long time. We had no reason to last year, and the previous years we have just went to the movies. I am not sure what we have planned this year, but whatever it is we will be lighting a candle for you.
I miss my mom so much. I need her here with me. Being a mommy such a rewarding job, but I wish I could share it with her. I know she is with you right now and taking care of you, but I need her here with me. This is the first Christmas without her. The holidays are supposed to be a time to celebrate with family, but this year once again we are too far from them.
I am struggling to keep it all together Leia. I’m trying my best to be strong for everyone and really don’t want to go back on my medicine. But I know there is going to come a point where i have too. Being a mommy to a rainbow baby is no joke. I thought once he was here safe and sound it would be better. But I find myself still worrying about him, and if I am doing it the correct way. I can’t and won’t take parenting advice from anyone other than daddy and the doctors. We all know I have trust issues with dr’s so been getting a 2nd and 3rd opinion. So far it all seems to be the same.
There is so much love in this house right now, for you and your brother. I don’t want to be sad but I can’t help it. I miss you so much. I know daddy does too. He talks about you a lot and yesterday told me that he misses you. He said he is happy we have a little boy, and was worried how he would feel since he loves you so much. You are his Princess Leia, after all. With Ryder it is different. Which I am grateful for. We love him in his own way, and although he can grow up with the star wars toys he won’t be pigeon hold into being a replacement for you.
I wonder if we will have more children? I feel like our family is still not complete. Having two living children was something we have wanted. BUT this was a really really long hard journey to get to this point. Your brother is only 13 days old there is still a lot of time to think about this, however I am not getting any younger.
Ryder is such a good baby, the only time he really cries is for the 3am feeding. He will be up for 2 hours and pretty much fuss until the next time he wants to eat. I was able to get a lot done at this time in the morning but the last few days I’ve been so tired daddy had to take over.
In the next few days I am going to take some photos of him and your molly bear, and maybe even with your photo. I’m sure emotions will be running even higher than they are right now. I can’t even continue this letter to you my beautiful girl. I am crying far too hard and can’t see.
i love you forever and always
mommy
This day will be a celebration
Of the short time you were here.
You will always be remembered
With great love & sometimes tears.
But only to feel pain and sorrow
would not be quite fair to you.
Your life meant much more to us
More than you ever knew.
You were here so briefly
We wonder if you know,
All the ways you’ve touched our world
Since that day God called you home
Now, our daughter, you’re an angel
With our heavenly Father above.
We see not only what we’ve lost
But our capacity to love.
There will always be a void
Our souls will grieve forever.
Will we forget or stop loving you?
No, not now…not ever!
As this sad day is upon us
Oh! How our hearts still hurt.
But even as we mourn your death,
We celebrate your birth.
Dear Leia,
I went to see my family doctor today, because my hip/leg has been really painful. I can’t even walk without feeling like I am going to black out, I walk with a big limp and can’t put any pressure on it at all. I am literally seeing spots whenever I try to. Yesterday It was really painful, we went to the hospital out of town for your dad’s appointment. It was back in September when they suggested that he see this surgeon for his ulcer. The ulcer is cleared up but he still has acid reflex. As long as he takes the pills, he will be okay but if he misses one then he is in a lot of pain. They are leaving it up to him weather he wants to have the surgery now or wait.
While at the dr’s today, I told him about the pain in my calf and how it is really hot to touch sometimes. He felt it, and then told me to go to the emergency room for an ultrasound on it. So off we went back to the same hospital where you came into the world. Off to the same room where they told me you no longer had a heartbeat. Not going to lie, I didn’t even realize it was the same room until sitting in the waiting room. I started to cry and hard. The lady came to get me, and couldn’t have been nicer. She gave me some tissues and told me to take my time. I told her why I was crying and we talked about my fears. She wished she could ease them and do an US of little bean, but she couldn’t. I understood and wouldn’t have wanted to see LB in that room anyways. During my US on the leg she was telling me positive things to think about and how this pain is a good sign. Means baby is growing, and things are doing what they should. She did her best to make me feel at ease, even though I was still crying the whole time. I couldn’t catch my breath and couldn’t control my tears. She did a lot of extra things to make sure it wasn’t a clot and even called my OB for me to see if I could get in today.
Turns out I have something wrong with my sciatic nerve, and not much can be done about it other than heating it. Taking care of myself, and waiting it out. Hopefully it will pass in a few weeks, but I was told to go back for observation if I felt like I was going to pass out. It was so hard to sit in that room, smell the same stale air as that day back in September. It was a horrible horrible moment, and I hate that I had to relive it. But now that I did, I feel somewhat better. I’ve been taking these baby steps and this was like someone pushed me face first, and I survived.
I’m now 9 weeks and 2 days pregnant and other than this pain I’ve been okay. A little tired, but nothing I can’t deal with. I really don’t want to complain about anything, I don’t feel like I have the right to. With every morning sickness, I embrace it. My stomach is defiantly already getting bigger, and I have some gas. In a few weeks it will be the end of the first trimester, and I am feeling really good about it. I feel hopeful that we will make this to the end, and LB will come home with us. I don’t feel as anxious as before, and haven’t even felt it necessary to take a pregnancy test in weeks. That’s progress for sure! Little bean is no longer a bean, I think at 9 weeks she is more like a grape. I say she because I really believe she will be a girl. Right now the sex organs are actually growing but it won’t be till July before we find out, I’m sure.
My pregnancy counter said 215 days to go today I had to laugh. I can’t see myself going as far as counting down the days, still taking it moment by moment week by week. But what a great Christmas gift we will have. A brand new babe here to spoil and care for. We will still think of you, and honor you but it won’t be as depressing as last year.
I’m so hungry right now, been craving hamburgers and meat still. Which the 15 year old inside of me hates. I also am always thirsty for grape juice, or any type of juice. I’ve been waiting Subway a lot too and foods that are light not heavy in my stomach. But I know there aren’t many foods at subway I could keep down at this point so no point in wasting money.
We finished up our Parents grief group on Tuesday, and this makes me sad. I so looked forward to going in and recapping out week, and talking about our fears, and mostly talking about you. I talk about you a lot, and show off my tattoo to anyone who will listen, but this was different. It was nice to know these people understood what we were going through. They have walked in our shoes, and truly knew our pain. Talking about it was so helpful, especially for your daddy. I don’t think he gets to talk about you enough, it is so different for guys.
I love you now and forever Leia.
Mommy
xxoo
Dear Leia,
My anxiety is at an all time high today, I’m trying not to let it get to me but it is really hard.
I feel guilty for being able to get out bed, and for going about things here as if my Mommy and baby aren’t gone. When you died, I was so so so broken that for three months I never took a shower, or left the house. I cried 24/7 and refused to think life could get better.
Daddy and I were talking about why we think the grief is different this time around, and we think it is because nana didn’t want us to be sad. She always told us that we needed to live life and try to feel ‘better’.
We will never forget either of you’s, and by sitting around the house crying it won’t make things any better. It in fact, will make the process of trying to conceive that much harder. The number one thing she lived for was so we could have a live baby. She told me this every single day, and asked countless times If we were expecting yet. Even when I’d tell her no, she would continue to ask and pretend I just said yes. Nana wanted us to have lots of babies, therefore when we do get pregnant I’m sure it will be with more than one. I’m betting on triplets or at least twins.
I do feel like my heart is going to stop beating at any moment, and just made an appointment to see the doctor on Thursday. We really need to get some testing done for my heart, since everyone on my mom’s side has heart problems. With nana dying of a heart attack, I am even more afraid. Right now it feels like someone is sitting on my chest, but I know it is anxiety.
Please give me the strength to make it till Thursday, Leia. It is only 3 days away, but already feels like a million.
I love you now and forever,
Mommy
xxoo
Dear Leia
I still havent found anything to bring tomorrow. I have been stressing at it, and having panic attacks. Going into that small room, facing the 9 other people will be very hard. How can I say those words out loud?
I talk about you all the time. So many people know our story. But its different saying it. If we go and bring something, and then tell people you died, its real.
I have been threw so much, done so much. This shouldnt be so hard. It is the point of the group. Im just so terrifed.
I love you now and forever
Mommy
Xxoo
Dear Leia
While looking for something to bring to group on Tuesday, I came across your heartbeat bear. Breaking down in the nursery isnt something new, but it was different. I pressed the bears stomach and heard that wonderful sound. The tears came slowly, then I remembered. The reality of the situation was too much for me to handle. I grabbed the little booties and put them to my face. They didnt smell like anything at all. I turned them inside out, and saw they had black stains on them. Ink marks, I quicky realized. From your feetprints. My heart stopped, I couldnt breath I had picked up these booties countless times. Why hadnt I ever done this before. How could I not know. I looked at your yellow dress they had you in, and turned it inside out too. It had brown stains on it. Blood. This did it for me. I crumbled in a ball, and cried. I still havent found something to bring. A photo won’t do. None of those pieces of clothing will work either. I dont have a connection to anything special. Everything in this house reminds me of you, how can we choose? I have till Tuesday, but it does not seem like enough time. I said I was going to make cupcakes for the group. Of course I did. When things get bad, I cook. I love you now and forever Mommy Xxoo
