I still havent found anything to bring tomorrow. I have been stressing at it, and having panic attacks. Going into that small room, facing the 9 other people will be very hard. How can I say those words out loud?
I talk about you all the time. So many people know our story. But its different saying it. If we go and bring something, and then tell people you died, its real.
I have been threw so much, done so much. This shouldnt be so hard. It is the point of the group. Im just so terrifed.
I love you now and forever
While looking for something to bring to group on Tuesday, I came across your heartbeat bear. Breaking down in the nursery isnt something new, but it was different. I pressed the bears stomach and heard that wonderful sound. The tears came slowly, then I remembered. The reality of the situation was too much for me to handle. I grabbed the little booties and put them to my face. They didnt smell like anything at all. I turned them inside out, and saw they had black stains on them. Ink marks, I quicky realized. From your feetprints. My heart stopped, I couldnt breath I had picked up these booties countless times. Why hadnt I ever done this before. How could I not know. I looked at your yellow dress they had you in, and turned it inside out too. It had brown stains on it. Blood. This did it for me. I crumbled in a ball, and cried. I still havent found something to bring. A photo won’t do. None of those pieces of clothing will work either. I dont have a connection to anything special. Everything in this house reminds me of you, how can we choose? I have till Tuesday, but it does not seem like enough time. I said I was going to make cupcakes for the group. Of course I did. When things get bad, I cook. I love you now and forever Mommy Xxoo
I’m actually far from fine. Today has been one of those I dont want to get out of bed days. I knew I shouldn’t have. But I haven’t been to acupuncture all week and felt like I should venture out into the real world.
I always had this six sense thing that happens. I can tell when something bad is happening or about to happen even before it does. I know who’s on the phone and why they are calling (most of the time). If I saw something out loud then it comes true. Let’s say I haven’t talked to your Nana in a while, I’ll say “Oh my mom hasn’t called. I should call her.” Then the phone will ring and it will be her. It is especially true when Bad things are going on.
Like when we lost you. I knew it. I had no reason to think this at all. No signs at all. But I just had that feeling. Today I had the feeling again when I woke up. I got out of bed and before I even had time to get dressed I knew something was wrong.
I can’t compare today to the day we lost you, but the feeling was the same. It’s always been there with me. Mostly with bad things. Sometimes I think that I have the power to make these bad things happen. Like you died because I told the midwife I thought you were going to. I also told your Aunt Rebecca this 3 weeks before anything was even wrong. Even at your 3-d ultrasound I asked them not to start it right away just in case.
It’s so sad that I live in a world that it’s the norm to feel this way. To expect the worst. Especially now. I feel so tired. Tired of it all. I can’t believe anymore that anything good will ever happen again. How can it?
I’m so sad today and lonely. I feel like your daddy blames me for today’s set back. If he doesn’t then he should. This is my fault. It is all my fault.
I can’t be a positive person when so many bad things always happen. What have I done to deserve this. People don’t get it. They can’t. Not unless they have walked in our shoes. Had to deal with all the problems. Especially lately.
Life is too hard. I am tired of it. I’m tired of fighting the good fight just to end up where we were 6 months ago. When will it get better? Why hasn’t it yet?
I do need to take a break. A real one. From everything and everyone. I wish I could just wake up from this awful nightmare that has became my life.
I love you Leia
“A Pair of Shoes”
“A Pair of Shoes”
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
I don’t know what came over me yesterday. I am not normally a ‘feel sorry’ for me type of person. I had promised to be nicer to myself and yesterday showed I haven’t done that yet.
I should be proud that I get up every day. That I put clothes on, that I face the world. That I can go to our group and talk about the things that we shouldn’t ever have to talk about.
Feeling guilty about buying concert tickets, and having an okay day is stupid. People say that you wouldn’t want me to be sad and upset. That’s not true. Of course I will be always this way. I can’t help it. But I can also have good days too.
I love you now and forever
I am feel really emotional right now. Seems like Tuesdays after group does that too me. I feel lost. Like I don’t have a purpose in life right now. When I’m working on writing your story, I feel better about myself. Then I hit bottom and worry.
I had so many goals in my life. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
- Get married
- Have a baby or two or three or four
- Live on a farm with lots of animals
- Be a successful published author millions will adore
- Have a cookbook or two out along with said successful novel
And where do I stand right now? I’ve been married twice. I have lost a baby. I don’t even own the house I live in. I don’t have my cookbook published and my novel is sitting here because I’m too emotional to hit the send button.
I understand I had to leave my first husband for obvious reasons. Daddy and I wouldn’t have met if I had stayed and things would be different. But it hurts. It hurts I’m a statistic yet again. I already was being divorced at 20 then back into a serious relationship less than a year later.
But now I’m one of those woman who have lost a child. I don’t have a cookbook published but I do cook. Isn’t that more important? Knowing that I can feed people and make them happy in person?
Sigh. Why do I feel like things are unravling before my eyes. I thought I was making progress but I am really not.
Next week at group we are going to bring something that belongs to you and share our story. What do I have that reminds me of you? Umm how bout everything. Every single item of clothing up in that nursery was meant for you! I bought that car seat with you in mind. The quilt that was made by my Aunt Patty was for YOU. It has your name on it. The star was shirts and hats were ordered for you. I don’t think i’m ‘strong’ enough to go into the nursery and pick something out.
We have the memory box that is supposed to have items in it of you. In fact we have two of them. One was made by someone just for you. There is the blanket that was made for you that you were wrapped in. I guess I can take that. I honestly don’t want to go. I don’t want to go and talk about you being dead.
That is stupid don’t you think? I mean I talk about it all the time. But somehow I’ve tricked myself into thinking I’m at these group meetings for another reason, maybe. If I bring something of yours and say it out loud then its final. It happen. I wish daddy would be able to do it instead of me. I have done so much. I have said so much. I’m tired of this stupid grief process. I hate it.
This is our week to ttc and I’m feeling like I can’t even stop crying now. How can I think about having another child when the one I wanted and loved is dead?
If we do get pregnant I want you to know that it will never replace you ever. I know I’ve said that a million times over. But I’m saying it again.
I love you now and forever
Today has been a write off. I was supposed to go see my OB but she hasn’t came back from her holidays?! Nobody knows where she is, which is kind of scary. She was supposed to be back Friday. There was some flight delays and reroutes due to a strike, so maybe she is still trying to get home. None the less, I wasn’t happy about driving out of town to the appointment only to find out she wasn’t there. They rescheduled for late April. That’s not fair either. The people who have all their appointments this week and next will get to go like normal, and I have to wait. I wasn’t feeling very good the last few days, and was looking forward to talking to her about a possible UTI.
The cold or whatever I was fighting turned into something worse. My back was so incredibly sore last night I couldn’t sleep. I crawled up the stairs to bed, but then had to come back down to the couch. Then this morning It was too much to bear. My pulse has been weak, as well as my heart rate for a few days, and I started to feel nauseous. I tried my doctor’s office but like usual, I couldn’t get into see him. Remind me again why I bother with him? It’s been months since I have actually had an appointment. With my anxiety attacks popping back up I need to get this addressed. There is no way I’m taking Zoloft.
I decided that the walk in clinic wasn’t going to cut it and had daddy drop me off a the hospital. Boy am I glad he did. My heart rate was very slow, and I had a fever. They said my blood pressure was scary low, and I was admitted right away. My lower back and upper left side was giving me sharp stabbing pains. This is becoming too much of a pattern for my liking. I was given something for pain after they checked me in and I cleared the pregnancy test.
I hate registering anywhere. “How many times have you been pregnant?” Umm Once. “How many children do you have?” Sobbing - None, well one, well our daughter died almost 6 months ago. “Have you been out of the country in the last six months” No - oh wait ya we went to Texas. “Have you been in the hospital in the last year overnight” No - oh actually I was in hospital for a week when I had my daughter. “Are you currently pregnant” No - well maybe? I hope so! “When was your last period?” A few days ago? I was late I know that it was like the 14th or something.
I felt so stupid answering these questions. I was in too much pain to focus. They finally let me go get into one of those sexy gowns and the fun part started. Looking for a vein for an IV. This is nearly impossible. I told them right off there is NO way you will get it anywhere other than my wrist. I was told it was not recommended and dangerous. I understand that. Turns out I was right. It ended up in my wrist after 4 woman tried 3 times each. My poor arms look like pin cushions. They are going to be so black and blue tomorrow. It hurts so bad when you have an IV in your wrist, and I bled for 15 mins after they did it. Then came more questions “What a beautiful Tattoo. Are those feet prints real?” Yes they are my daughters. She died.
I don’t know why I have to tell everyone you have died. Why Can’t I leave it as they are yours.
The nurse told me the were checking kidney stones. YET AGAIN. I was sent for x-rays and an ultrasound. The x-ray tech wanted to know if I was pregnant. Again with that question. No No I’m not. I wish I was. I wish I was here because I was pregnant. But I’m not. I’m about to give birth to stones not a baby.
I had a major meltdown crying fit in the ultrasound room. Suddenly I remembered that a year ago (almost to the day) I was in that very room finding out that I was expecting you. I cried for a very long time. The tech was very nice and very understanding. We talked about you, and what you looked like. She encouraged me to let it all out.
When I went back to my room, a student (I’m guessing) was waiting for me. He looked like Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory Tv show. He said he was helping the doctor and asked me a slew of questions again. “Was I allergic to anything?” Horses - ha nervous laugh. “Where does it hurt” Yet again my left hand side upper quadrant and lower left side back. “How long has it being going on” “Have I had surgery before?” “What do I do for a living” “has someone abused me” “have I had kidney stones before” “how many times have I vomited”
I swear I must have answered the same questions 20 times today. Then the real Doctor came in and asked me again. He felt around in the SAME spot and did the SAME thing the Sheldon Cooper kid did. I was getting pretty fed up. They gave me pain meds and suddenly I didn’t care.
Then they gave me more. And before I left even more. I don’t even know how I’m typing this right now. Daddy came to pick me up and sat in the room with me for a bit. I was told that I don’t have any visible stones probably too small to see, and that I had air in my colon wall. I think he gave me a prescription for some super duty meds. He told me they will call me tomorrow with the results of other testing, and in the meantime get some rest. He then asked about my diverticulitis surgery. I had told him it was 80 % of my small bowel they removed he corrected me said it was the Large. What the heck does it matter right now? I was/am super high and can fly home.
I was worried they were going to keep me. Tomorrow Aerosmith Tickets go on sale , and I have to try to figure that mess out. They will be in Toronto in June. How exciting. Finally something to look forward too!
I love you now and forever,