I write of my journey back to light and life after the darkest days I ever knew through letters to my children. Leia watches over her brother Ryder from Heaven. The letters are not magic wands that can bring her back or how I turned tragedy into triumph with the birth of our rainbow baby. It is, however, the truth of what good can happen when you decide that you love someone so much, you just can't say goodbye.

Dear Ryder
I love you so very much. I miss you, which is silly since you are sitting right in front of me happily eating Cheerios.  But I can’t pick you up and give you snuggles.
This is week 35 of having you in our lives. Last night I went through your baby photos and the photos from the delivery.  I have it from the moment I started labor until when you were born in some graphic details.
It was so neat to see the exact moment you were were born. I wish we had it on video though. That would be extra special.
I am still taking your photos daily. Haven’t missed a day.  Daddy has been stepping up and taking it for me since I am supposed to be taking it easy after my gallbladder surgery.
This week has been a little cold, so we haven’t been doing much anyways. We have been snuggling in bed under the blankets as I rest up. You watched TV with me today and we played paddy cake. 
I am amazed on how good of an eater you are.  There isn’t much you won’t eat.  I love introducing foods to you and watch you figure out if you like it or not.  Whatever we eat, you eat. Cheerios (as mentioned above) are new to you, but you sure do like them.  Drinking from a sippy cup is now a daily routine even if you can’t figure it out.
Once I am feeling better and able to cook I’m going to cook up some different meals to freeze again.  I did the purees but now that you are bored with them, I can still use them in meals.  Tossing some carrots and peas into a dish is a great idea.
This has taken me a long time to write little man, and now it’s way past my bedtime and you have been sound asleep for a while.
I panicked a little bit earlier and admit to turning you over once again. Now instead of side sleeping you are always on your tummy. It makes me super nervous but I trust that you will be okay.
Much love to you little bean,

Mommy

Dear Ryder

I love you so very much. I miss you, which is silly since you are sitting right in front of me happily eating Cheerios.  But I can’t pick you up and give you snuggles.

This is week 35 of having you in our lives. Last night I went through your baby photos and the photos from the delivery.  I have it from the moment I started labor until when you were born in some graphic details.

It was so neat to see the exact moment you were were born. I wish we had it on video though. That would be extra special.

I am still taking your photos daily. Haven’t missed a day.  Daddy has been stepping up and taking it for me since I am supposed to be taking it easy after my gallbladder surgery.

This week has been a little cold, so we haven’t been doing much anyways. We have been snuggling in bed under the blankets as I rest up. You watched TV with me today and we played paddy cake.

I am amazed on how good of an eater you are.  There isn’t much you won’t eat.  I love introducing foods to you and watch you figure out if you like it or not.  Whatever we eat, you eat. Cheerios (as mentioned above) are new to you, but you sure do like them.  Drinking from a sippy cup is now a daily routine even if you can’t figure it out.

Once I am feeling better and able to cook I’m going to cook up some different meals to freeze again.  I did the purees but now that you are bored with them, I can still use them in meals.  Tossing some carrots and peas into a dish is a great idea.

This has taken me a long time to write little man, and now it’s way past my bedtime and you have been sound asleep for a while.

I panicked a little bit earlier and admit to turning you over once again. Now instead of side sleeping you are always on your tummy. It makes me super nervous but I trust that you will be okay.

Much love to you little bean,

Mommy

  1. letterstoleia posted this
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