I’m actually far from fine. Today has been one of those I dont want to get out of bed days. I knew I shouldn’t have. But I haven’t been to acupuncture all week and felt like I should venture out into the real world.
I always had this six sense thing that happens. I can tell when something bad is happening or about to happen even before it does. I know who’s on the phone and why they are calling (most of the time). If I saw something out loud then it comes true. Let’s say I haven’t talked to your Nana in a while, I’ll say “Oh my mom hasn’t called. I should call her.” Then the phone will ring and it will be her. It is especially true when Bad things are going on.
Like when we lost you. I knew it. I had no reason to think this at all. No signs at all. But I just had that feeling. Today I had the feeling again when I woke up. I got out of bed and before I even had time to get dressed I knew something was wrong.
I can’t compare today to the day we lost you, but the feeling was the same. It’s always been there with me. Mostly with bad things. Sometimes I think that I have the power to make these bad things happen. Like you died because I told the midwife I thought you were going to. I also told your Aunt Rebecca this 3 weeks before anything was even wrong. Even at your 3-d ultrasound I asked them not to start it right away just in case.
It’s so sad that I live in a world that it’s the norm to feel this way. To expect the worst. Especially now. I feel so tired. Tired of it all. I can’t believe anymore that anything good will ever happen again. How can it?
I’m so sad today and lonely. I feel like your daddy blames me for today’s set back. If he doesn’t then he should. This is my fault. It is all my fault.
I can’t be a positive person when so many bad things always happen. What have I done to deserve this. People don’t get it. They can’t. Not unless they have walked in our shoes. Had to deal with all the problems. Especially lately.
Life is too hard. I am tired of it. I’m tired of fighting the good fight just to end up where we were 6 months ago. When will it get better? Why hasn’t it yet?
I do need to take a break. A real one. From everything and everyone. I wish I could just wake up from this awful nightmare that has became my life.
I love you Leia