I found this awesome recipe for making play dough and it smells like candy canes!
Peppermint Play Dough Recipe
2 cups of plain flour
1 cup of salt
3/4 cups of cold water
1 tbsp of vegetable oil
3-5 drops of peppermint extract
In a bowl combine the flour and salt. Then add the other ingredients and mix well. Continue to knead until the play dough is formed. If the dough is a touch sticky add a bit of flour. If it is dry add a touch more water.
The more the play dough is handled the more the colors will swirl. SO PRETTY!
Once the play dough is formed divide it in half. Color one half red using food coloring or washable watercolors. Watercolors will give you a richer color. If using food coloring you will need to use a lot of it. Once the dough is colored marble the red and white play dough together to create a candy cane effect.
We blew out the candle on Ryder’s birthday cake “with” him. I wonder what he wished for. Was my husband thinking the same thing?
Did anyone notice the single tear down my face? The crack in my voice as we sung happy birthday? I have wished so many times for that moment.
To be able to celebrate a child of our own on earth’s birthday. Its hard to “celebrate” the birth date of a baby who’s not here yet we somehow do it. Pull strength out of nowhere to brace that day.
Celebrating Ryder’s birthday was like a wish come true. All the anxiety about making it perfect came to an end. Knowing that our rainbow baby was here in real life having a 1st birthday was surreal.
I don’t think people understand just how hard it is being a bereaved parent. You never stop worrying. You never forget. Will people see us happy and think I am over it? I used to care about that. I don’t now.
I am happy. I am blessed with my beautiful smart son. With my husband who has been by my side through loss after loss. Who let’s me sleep in after he gets off nights so he can have a few hours alone with his son.
Do I still wish that Leia was here with us. Of course I do. I know that it is clearly just that. A wish.
My wishes will always involve both our children and hopefully future ones. Ryder’s birthday wish was special and one day will come true.
All the excitement is now said and done. You are 1 years old, your rainbow party was a huge success. I loved every single moment of it. I didn’t shed any tears until later that night, not sad tears but happy ones. You will see me sometimes crying, and go to cheer me up. But son what you don’t know is these tears are for you. To show you how happy I truly am.
I got up early Saturday morning to get you ready for the day. Daddy took you and Logan with his daddy to the pool for swimming lessons. Ashley (Logan’s mommy) was nice enough to take me to the other pool where the party was going to be to start getting ready. We set up chairs, put up decorations and put all the food out. I MIGHT have had some Monica from Friends moments.. The only thing missing was a headset :) From the banner not getting put up till almost 2, to the table cloths not being ‘straight’ ha ha. But it all turned out and not once did anyone say a thing about either.
It was a lot of fun printing off those photos and taking a look back and how much you have changed. We put up balloons, set up the guest book (which was a copy of the Happy Birthday book by Dr. Seuss) and then the cake arrived.
I was expecting it to be amazing, and sure enough it was. Auntie Maggie did a great job.
The hour we had to set up went by very quick. You arrived a little after 1 from swimming. Daddy started to bring in the presents we brought with us, while I still tried to set up the food. Slowly people started to come and you were so excited to see each of them.
I let you have a sucker and you kept putting it in auntie Maggie’s hair silly boy. I had custom ordered a shirt for you. It said Happy 1st birthday Ryder. Happy birthday with a sun and rainbow on it. You didn’t even get it all dirty until much later.
We only had the party room for 2 hours and they flew by!
We ate (all rainbow foods) had some cake (and fruits) sang happy birthday to you, and then started to open gifts.
I handed out the swim passes to everyone and was happy to see almost everyone could make it. There was 8 kids 9 including you and 18 adults 20 including daddy and I. I understand with the holidays, it is very hard to commit to 5 hours so we are very thankful for that.
I made a candy bar with skittles, life savers, star bursts, and suckers. I also included them in the loot bags with other colourful items. I forgot to make the fruit and veggie tray into a rainbow urgh. But the meatballs even had some green, red and yellow peppers to colour it up as well as pineapples. I decided last min to even do the lemons.
I am pretty sure daddy had a better time opening the gifts than you did, although you ripped a lot of them square open. There was no messing around for you and the gift bags were a hit. You had a few helpers though :)
We let you eat cake, but after getting you’re hands dirty that was enough of that.
I love this photo you can see just how much daddy loves you!
I don’t think we got photos of everything you were lucky enough to receive but close. There was over 600 photos taken! #spoiledboy
I loved everything you got. The Mike Wazoski shirt and beanie ball are so you. The doctor kit is going to help you practice to be a real doctor someday. The little bomber jacket! The hug me elmo, play mat, crayon letter, darth tater, bowl set, the shoes, little green shirt, little people batman, keyboard, books, crayons, colouring books, block, walking car, jeep with blocks in it, water mat, puppets, leapfrog books, vetech book, high chair cover, oh my everything! I hope I’m not forgetting anything! I know I didn’t see much of the gift opening because I was trying to get people to sign the book and get cleaned up.
There were lots of little people superheros including wonder woman and her invisible car. Santa might have to bring you something for you to store all these guys in :)
You had opened up gifts from momo, auntie Becky, auntie Sherry, cousins Sondra, Marisa, Kayci and Kaylee the night before. It took over an hour since we didn’t really help you and its safe to say you love the trike!
As soon as the tree is up (hopefully tomorrow) we will set this up and let you take it for a spin.
After you opened gifts and we said our thank you’s to everyone we headed to the pool. Well you and you’re friends did. I let you go with Mallory (my friend Kelleys daughter) so you could get a head start. I helped clean up and bring the food and gifts to the cars.
We had an awesome time swimming. It was 2 hours of just fun. We pretty much had the pools to ourselves and we took advantage of it. Mingling from the hot little pool to the big colder pool was a challenge since I didn’t want to leave anyone out. But I barely had you anyway. Maggie took you for a bit, and you showed her how good you are at swimming, then daddy for a while and mostly Mallory. She has several levels of life guarding under her belt so I wasn’t worried at all.
It was Lilli’s first time at the pool how exciting she did great. Xavier wasn’t able to go in this time, but for sure we will take him soon with his mommy. Elroy, Logan, Liam, Lorenco, Cyra, Lilli and you got to go in though. I didn’t think to get a group photo of all the babies BEFORE swimming but thought of it after and still missed people.
Such a fun fun day, all the hard work for the last month or so paid off. I think everyone had fun, and I bet there was a lot of sleepy babies that night. I can’t wait to start planning you’re 2nd party! #haha
I am prepping for Ryder’s Rainbow Birthday Party today which is a lot harder than than I thought! I never realized how many desserts can be colourful but not hot food.
I’ve been pinning stuff to pinterest for six months so I have a good idea on what I want to do . It is just actually doing it!
Starting with Rainbow Deviled Eggs. Here is the recipe I found , I am eager to see how they turn out!
I honestly would not have it any other way with all the hard work for his party. He deserves to be celebrated every single day. Does this mean we are ‘spoiling’ him? No. He only gets 1 first birthday, and I could care less if he won’t remember it.
That isn’t the point. The point is I have waited so so so long to have a child we could have a 1st birthday for! It has been a hard long emotional journey to get to this point and I could care less what people are thinking of me.
Life is too short not to enjoy the little things.
Here is the recipe I’m using for the deviled eggs.
12 large hard boiled eggs
2 1/2 Tbsp mayonnaise
3 Tbsp yellow mustard
1 pinch black pepper
2 pinch garlic powder
2 pinch dry mustard
1 dash(es) paprika
1 pkg easter egg dye
1. Put 1 dozen large eggs in a pan, cover with water, let boil for 20 minutes.
2.While waiting for eggs to finish, open easter egg dye package and follow included instructions.
3.Once eggs are hard boiled, remove pan from stove and place into sink. Let cold water run over eggs until they are cool enough to handle.
4.Crack and peel eggs (carefully) and set aside. Once finished, take 6 whole eggs and place into dye for just a minute or two. (The dye doesn’t take long to work)
5.In the meantime, slice the remaining eggs lengthwise and remove the yolk by placing in a mixing bowl, to be used later.
6.Remove first 6 eggs from dye, and put the remaining egg halves in their place.
7.Let the dyed eggs dry for a minute, wipe any excess dye off with a paper towel. Then repeat process of slicing and removing egg yolk.
8.Once all yolks have been placed into the mixing bowl, remove the remaining eggs from the dye and let dry.
9.Mash the egg yolks together (a fork works well for this) and add remaining ingredients, EXCEPT for Paprika, to the mixture.
10.Once the yolk texture is to your liking, begin filling dyed egg halves with the yolk mixture. Once all the egg halves have been filled, sprinkle paprika over the top of each for garnish.
I have been using our baby bullet steamer which takes 5 ish mins for 6 eggs much easier :)
You are now 1 year old! I swear it was just yesterday that I found out we were pregnant. I have no idea where the year went.
There was a lot of firsts for you. First movies, first foods, first friends, first words, first holidays. I hope you enjoyed everyone of them! I know I sure did and looked forward to each one.
We had a lazy day on Tuesday (you’re birthday) Logan came over around 1, and then Hallie and X came after 3. We watched some of Planes again, and hung out on the floor. You were kinda cranky until Daddy got up and all of a sudden it was happy time.
I hadn’t had time to make supper so we decided to use the last of our coupons from the Treasure Book and take you out. Kids eat free so it was even better. You just like to throw most of the food on the ground, then get mad that you have nothing to eat. Silly boy.
I ordered you a grilled cheese and french fries. You didn’t eat much but had fun none the less.
The waitress brought over ice cream for you with a candle and sang Happy Birthday. It was the first time you had a lot of ice cream, but because it was cold there wasn’t a lot of it eaten.
We gave you 1 gift to open although it would have been smarter to give you all the ones from us so you don’t have to be so busy on Saturday.
Today we took you to the dr’s for vaccines. Originally it was going to be a flu one as well but decided since they gave you 3 not to do it. I felt soooooooo bad for you. Poor guy you cried so hard and loud. The nurse was very nice and made sure to give you a batman sticker afterwards. You were fine 5 mins after even with tears.
I started to weep. I hate it when you are upset and crying. Of course I didn’t let you see this. Don’t want you to think they are bad because it is important for you to get them.
I made sure to bring a special band-aid for you to make the arm one not hurt as much. It must have stung you don’t even have much flesh there!
We found out that you are 2 feet tall!! I knew you were big but didn’t think it was that big. You weigh almost 22 lbs which is a little small, but because you are so tall it won’t matter. It’s the 98th/99th percentile for length and only 15 for weight ha ha. I swear all you do is eat!
Good news about the size of your head too! It grew a lot since last visit so NO need for follow up X rays or ped visit. I was not worried at all I knew it was growing.
Of course you are doing everything on the 12 month check up and a lot of stuff on the 15 month sheet as well. The doctor asked if you were still a little genius and said he could tell because of the movements you make.
In fact he did a test to see how advanced you are with the stethoscope, if you let him listen to the chest and not pull at it, then that is ‘normal’ for a 1 year old. If you pull it off then that is advanced because at the 15 month visit all the babies do this. You held it and tried to pull it off but didn’t. He said this means you are developmentally above average.
He checked the movement in the legs, arms, how flexible you are and had NO concerns at all. Every single person we saw said how beautiful you were, and happy. You smiled, and waved to each of them. My heart swells with pride when people tell me they can tell you are happy.
We took a quick costco trip so I could get the 12 month photo of you, printed for the banner I am making, and a few things for the party. Decided to get the fruit and veggies so I can make the trays up on Friday and we needed eggs and a few things. Unfortunatly I bought another can of formula. I really didn’t want to but after talking with the Dr he said to give 1 at night and keep it up till the next visit in 3 months. Then if you have gained weight stop all together.
You will drink homo milk and eat everything but that nightly bottle is going to be hard to shake.
I have so much still to do to get ready for the party. I am a tad under the weather mostly because it is so so so cold right now. Whenever anyone is sick, I am sure to get it. I knew as soon as this dreaded cold sore appeared so would the rest of the symptoms. Should be interesting tomorrow.
I love so so so much my boy. I am happy you are my son and nothing will every change that!
1 year ago today I went to the hospital to start the process of bringing you into the world. It was so scary for me, but I was ready. We had a 3d ultrasound done the day before and got a sneak peek at you’re beautiful face.
I was so very tired that day. I got up at 6 am to call the hospital to see if they were ready for us. They told us to come in around noon so we did. I think I tried to go back to sleep but didn’t work. We were supposed to go in on the Saturday but they kept postponing the day.
I brought gifts for the staff, and also the lab tech and ultrasound lady. Pot of Gold chocolates for them from our rainbow baby, and a bag of kisses from you. I labelled them kisses from Ryder. Everyone loved them and appreciated them a lot. We had brought a card too. I meant to go back and give them a little something for Leia’s birthday again but we didn’t. Maybe on Wed right after yours I will.
We got there a little before noon and got checked in. Auntie Sherry was with us. My doula Grace came a bit later. The nice nurse on shift talked to us about the induction, and started it. I didn’t feel any contractions or anything until a few hours later. Then boy did they come fast! It was so painful I tried to sleep but couldn’t. I couldn’t eat either in case there was complications and I needed a C- Section.
That night Grace left for a bit. I don’t think Auntie Sherry did (but she might have gone back to our house - it is all such a daze) she might have slept in the hospital bed in the next room. Daddy slept on a cot next to me. I remember being up for a long time and every contraction they would strap a monitor on and check your heart beat.
Daddy and I took many walks in the hall. He was cold so a nurse gave him a hot blanket to walk around with. I took so many photos especially of the clock. Daddy updated people on twitter, and facebook as well as texting.
Star wars and back to the future was on I swear for 2 days. At some point early in the morning there was some adult entertainment on! I turned it off quickly because I didn’t want you to be born while it was on.
My real contractions started after midnight. Grace came back around 1 am. I thought for sure you would be born quickly because I was 5 cm dilated and in a lot of pain. The nurse who moved us to the delivery room, wanted to know why I waited so long to call them but I didn’t want to bother anyone.
The OB who delivered Leia was on call (not my reg OB since I was a week later with the induction), which there was a lot of talk about the due date. Somewhere they had dec 17. In fact you were due on 12-12-12. I know this because Leia’s due date was 11-11-11.
He broke my water after 11 that morning and things started to progress quick. I remember not knowing he was doing it, I am sure he told me but i was in so much pain I thought he was just checking things. Grace asked me “how was that?” and I said “oh Ive had better” ha ha I don’t even know what that meant.
The contractions came quicker and more painful after that. I heard yet another baby be born (and they took OUR name - since they thought they were having a girl and didn’t have any boy names! The nurse told them our name and they took it) there was 10 or more babies born the 2 days we were there!
The epidural was very painful. VERY. I don’t think I can ever do that again. I had so many complications from it anyways it is not worth it.
The nurse that stayed with us was so nice, she was concerned that she was going to miss his birth. 2 days of labor and there was no way she was going to miss it. I know during the hardest part of labor somehow me winning the 1000 $ in nail polish came up in conversation. Here I was about to bring you into the world, and we are talking about nail polish.
At some point another nurse came in too who told us she had been with us when Leia was born. Then another nurse came in to see how we were too. There was quite the line outside to get in to wish you a happy birthday. So many nice nurses and doctors who knew our story ,and most of them had been with us.
There was talk of her leaving at 7 and she told you that it was time to arrive. Sure enough at 7 on the dot you were born. Such a good boy already!
You were so long and weighed a lot less than I thought. 6 lbs 8 oz. I was told at least over 9 lbs. What a relief that was. The moment they placed you on my chest I was in love. I couldn’t stop crying.
We became a real family. I’ve never seen daddy so proud in my life. Auntie Sherry, the 3 nurses, me, daddy and Grace were all crying. It was an amazing feeling.
I didn’t want to leave you alone for a moment but really needed a shower. Daddy went to get us food and I ate a big Mac over your head while you breastfed. I apologize for that by the way. But almost 3 days without food I had to do it. You must have been hungry too since you ate what I ate!
Auntie Maggie came and Uncle John a little after 9 when we got moved into another room. I talked to my dad, momo and a few other people. I was so tired after my shower I really wanted to sleep. But you came first and needed to eat.
Funny story the nurse kept checking to see if my legs were still frozen. She was using a bag that had been sitting in ice. It was clear but had something in it. I had wanted to keep my placenta to make capsules but wasn’t sure If we could afford it. The nurse had kept it on ice just in case I wanted to keep it. The other nurse was using THIS bag to check me. I was mortified but it was really funny. Someone was in the room with me at the time, maybe Maggie?
We took you home a few days after you were born. The 27th was spent getting to know you, breastfeeding and we gave you a bath. Since you were so little they wanted to keep us one extra day. I wanted to take you home so badly.
Finally going home! You look so small. Wearing a shirt that says “worlds cutest little brother”. We of course would come back the very next day for a check up. And have to stay one more day due to jaundice.
I swear you were tanned for a month because of these lights.
I felt like a terrible mom having you back at the hospital. The nurses on the peds floor were super nice, but didn’t understand why I didn’t want to be there. When I told them about Leia they questioned me on how I didn’t know why she died. My emotions were running so high and I cried. Cried big time! In between pumping, feeding you, and crying I tried to sleep.
Daddy and I got a few mins off and on. We took you out to feed you and watched Finding Nemo. You were only a few days old but mesmorized by the tv already. I also watched Tangled while daddy went for food. Again you were out for a bit and watched the scene with the laterns.
I cried holding you and watching you sleep. I took a million photos of you’re hands, arms, legs, feet, nose, ears and belly button. I took photos of the first poop even. I haven’t stopped taking photos of all the firsts. I am addicted to you my boy! I have a problem and I am not ashamed to admit this! It is called LOVE>
We are blessed to live in a society that can take so many photos, and I literally have you’re whole life documented on ‘film’. I have so many videos and thousands of photos of you that it would fill up 100’s of books if I tried to print them. In fact yesterday, while you napped I went through the folder that has all the daily photos in it. Made collages from the day you were born until today. It took me a while to do but turned out amazing.
I am also working on a slideshow but that is taking far too long, since I have to also work on birthday party stuff too. I did put the monthly photos on paper, and wrap gifts already. I also did rainbow loot bags!
They were a lot of fun to make, but pretty time consuming. *spoiler alert* there is rainbow bubbles, life savers candy and suckers, stickers, playdo, a rainbow pinwheel, smarties, and a few other things in them. I wrapped some gifts in rainbow print too. Hard to find many items that have rainbow but I am managing.
We are the luckiest parents to have you as our son Ryder. Thank you for being you!
Last night we went to a church to celebrate your sister. It was a beautiful emotional night. There was no shortage of tears, especially when one of the ladies spoke about her son passing away. She mentioned that the bound between a parent and child should not be broken by the child’s passing.
I lost it at that point. The tears came out and I had a good cry. I wasn’t alone though. There were so many people there this year which was amazing. Daddy and I sat with a new friend Amy and her family. She was nice enough to save us a seat.
You went to the day care. I wanted you to be part of the event but you are too little this year to really understand so we thought it would be better for you to go to play.
I spied on you for a bit to see how you would be, and of course you were perfect. When we came back we were told you were the best one there, and kept yourself entertained. That you didn’t cry, fuss or seem anxious we were gone. I guess we must be doing something right!
It was awesome that they had this set up so parent’s could have the option of bringing their child. Next year though I think you will be with us. We took you to the tree and let you hold the star afterwards, and boy did you love it. I cant wait to put up our tree and see the wonderful reaction you give.
The service was very nice with speakers from Bereaved Families including Rose and Laura. Two wonderful beautiful people who we love very much. It is weird to say that isn’t it? Two strangers who have came into our lives for a reason, and we love them.
I know they adore you too. Right away Rose scooped you up and gave you hugs and kisses.
The night was just so beautiful. It was hard to leave afterwards. I felt a strong connection there to Leia. As well as to Nana. I know she was watching us, they both were. Popo too. I know daddy had a hard time, when they showed a music video. He was very upset. It is all so fresh and having 3 loved ones died in such a short period of time, has taken it’s toll on us.
The star we purchased for Leia turned out beautiful. I put it with the other one right now. Amy was nice enough to take my photo when I put it up there, we didn’t get one of daddy but he helped.
It is a blurry photo and you can tell I’m crying but it is perfect.
You loved walking around the event after and we gave you a cookie. Turns out that wasn’t such a great idea before bed. You didn’t go to sleep till way after 11 last night. But slept till 8:30 this morning so that was okay.
I got up with you since daddy has to work tonight again. We get up every morning, and have a routine. You have breakfast (eggs, bacon, cheerios, fruit whatever it maybe) with some milk in the highchair. I take your daily photo put it on the computer, check email, facebook and then start in on dishes. Sometimes I can get some laundry in, and if Logan is coming then we will have play time on the floor first.
We watch a Signing show and sometimes head out of the house. We went to baby basics for the first time in ages on Thursday. I took you both, which was a experience. Plus I just don’t fit in there anymore. Lisa and Lorenso went so that was nice, and Sarah and Lilly went for the first time. But it wasn’t the same. Allie was also there with Meghan but we didn’t have a chance to really talk.
You had fun regardless and that is all that matters. We will have to get out the other events soon.
Today we have swimming and then I need to work on stuff for the party. It’s a week away and my list hasn’t gotten any shorter. There is obviously somethings I can’t get, like the food but I can work on the banner. I printed off you’re every month photo and am making something special for you.
I also can get the loot bags ready, and the candy bowls. Still undecided on what hot food to serve. There isn’t a lot of options for rainbow looking hot food.. Candy and desserts sure but not so much food. I’d love any ideas!
Guess I should get things ready to head out shortly. It is snowing badly so we need to arrive a bit early. I think I’ll let daddy take you in, if he goes today. Although it’s been a while since you and I did the lessons :)
I love you baby boy! I can’t believe you will be 1 soon!
ps you and daddy took this selfie (found it on my phone - silly boys)
In 1 week, you will turn 1! I can’t believe it. Where has the time gone?
Last year at this time, we were busy getting the house together. Auntie Sherry came down, and we put up a Christmas tree. We had a busy week preparing for you’re arrival. Now this week is just as busy planning for the big day!
We aren’t having the party until Saturday the 30th which is after the fact, but still awesome cause we can celebrate you right up until Dec 1st! I have been buying small things the last few months, and hope I can remember where it is all stashed! I know we have had one of the gifts for you for 4 months or so now. You ‘play’ with the box and try to get into it, I really need to wrap it. Or give it to you next week, and wrap an empty box!
Saturday we went to Liam’s birthday. It was a nice day to hang out with friends. Liam, Lorenso and Logan were there. The 3 L’s :) We tried to take a photo of the 4 of you’s all sitting in a row (a tradition) but the best we could do was this one
At the party you surprised us by walking with us using our hands. Daddy got there later since he worked the night/morning before. It was amazing to see you cruising like you did it a million times before. Now all you want to do is walk. In the morning you ran across your crib
Funny how went from staying still and no interest in crawling to none stop doing everything. Crawling, standing, sitting, jumping, and now walking all in 2 weeks.
The new favourite thing of yours is blowing on food. I give you something ‘hot’ and you watch me first. If I blow on it, you mimic me. Same goes for if I stick out my tongue at you, you will do it right after. Sometimes I say stick out your tongue, and bam you do it. Smart boy.
We did the cake smash yesterday. It wasn’t supposed to be until next week, and was going to be professional. Decided against spending any extra money and did it ourselves. I think the photos turned out great. You didn’t care for the hat (and cried for several moments until I gave you my phone). There was real tears!
Auntie Sarah let us use her house. I literally decided 2 hours before and didn’t forget a thing!
This little beauty took in all the action. I tried to give her some cake but no luck :)
I know you had fun, even if you didn’t want to get you’re hands dirty. It was funny to see how you just wanted to eat the candle and lick the icing.
We took over 500 photos, I spent some time this morning editing them while you ate breakfast. I will have to tackle the rest later.
Speaking of eating , right now you are having some ham, potatoes and green beans. You have ate every half hour today. In between had milk, and juice too. I think there is another growth spurt coming, plus you never sleep. Getting up way too early and not napping at all during the day hasn’t let me do much of anything ;)
But it’s okay, I enjoy watching you learn. We have been watching a sign language show on Netflix. We spend the morning watching youtube while you eat breakfast. I try to get in dishes or laundry while you sit in the highchair.
Sometimes we will play with pots and pans but mostly you eat cheerios. Then in the afternoon we play on the floor, and read. You love to flip the pages. If Logan is here we might venture out to the early years but it is getting so cold out I’m not sure there will be much of that by myself.
I love you little man! I have to go get some housework done before daddy leaves for the night. Plus it’s bath night *you had a sink bath after the cake smash yesterday* and story time!
We are coming up on the tree of bright stars memorial once again very soon. Friday night to be exact. We ordered a star for you.
It saddens me that we have these traditions now that both include and exclude you. We wouldn’t be doing them if you were here with us. But we do them to keep the memory alive.
There is so much I wish I could do over, when it comes to you my little girl. So many times I have dreamed about you and my mom together. All I can do is dream. I see you less and less now though. I can’t remember as clear as I could before either.
It makes me happy when people are kind enough to ask about you. I live for these moments. I want to talk about you, for bad or worse. It’s our story to be shared.
Ryder being here has been an amazing gift. I love him so much, it physically hurts me to think of a life without him. Just like it does when I think about the life we have without you.
Daddy has been hugging us close, and saying “can you believe we have a family?”. I don’t think it seems real even almost a year later. To be happy again, to feel so much love. To be in love.
We love you my girl. So very very much. I sit here with tears streaming down my face, unable to breath. I ache to hold you again.
Not being pregnant after 10 months of trying has been a very hard pill to swallow. I know it took forever with you, but there was no time for Ryder. I had told myself we would give it a year, and then stop trying.
In January it will be a year. I am feeling sad to think that this might be it. I just can’t go through the heartache every month of not being pregnant when we try so hard.
If you have any pull up there my girl. Send me a sign. Please tell me what to do. I know it was so very very stressful to be pregnant with you’re brother. Do I have the strength to do it again?
Please know that although I haven’t been faithfully writing to you, I never stop thinking of you.
I did my facilitator training so I can help others with their subsequent pregnancies, that should be proof enough for me that I can handle things.
You get smarter by the day. It amazes me how much you understand, and how you respond. There is nothing wrong with you’re hearing that is for sure.
Yesterday you were in the crib standing up, peeling off the letters from the back wall. We have finally seen how you pull up, it is quite the job. I am going to have to remove all the letters that you can reach, so you don’t eat them. I came in and said “okay little man, what do you wanna do today?” and you said “up momma, up”. I couldn’t get upset that you were peeling the stickers off at that point.
Today while getting dressed, I asked you for the left foot to put your socks on and you gave me the correct one. I waited to see if you would give me the other one, and sure enough without me asking you did.
When I say ‘clap you’re hands’ you do it, anytime anyone mentions kisses you blow them. you wave on ‘command’, smile whenever I say ‘cheese or bring out the camera’, ask you if you want something you say ‘ya’, brush you’re teeth and hair, say jump (ha ha) and you do it while in the jumper, dance whenever you hear music, and sing ‘dada dada dada’ when trying to sleep. SMART boy!
We are getting ready to go to Liam’s 1st birthday party. You picked out a very nice book for him (I hope he isn’t reading this - spoiler alert) and a new toy from the music store. Santa will have to bring you the same book.
Daddy started working at Toys r Us at night time, and gets a discount. That is a terrible idea, all his pay will go to buying you toys! :) Remember when I asked you a few months ago (I think you were 3 months old) if you wanted the millennium falcon and you replied ‘ya’? Well maybe you can get it now ha ha. I still think it can wait till you are much much older since you have 3 vintage ones and a playskool one! (oh wait i think it’s a tie-fighter)
We won’t be going swimming today, daddy can’t join us till much later at the party so we are skipping swimming all together. We will go next week, and then on the 30th is you’re party. Swimming lessons at noon, then party from 1:30-3:30. Then swimming from 3;30 till 5:30. Busy day!
I have a bunch of running around to do before we head out to the party, so I am going to keep this short.