Letters To Leia

I haven’t had a freak out day in a while guess I was due.. been laying here in bed worried about every little thing.. my back hurts so without wanting to my mind goes to a bad place..

I can’t stop thinking of my mom.. I miss her so.much.. I need to talk to her.. she’s the only one that can make it all OK..

I’m wide awake and I have to be at my OB appointment for 9:30.  I am very very tired but my mind is racing so much I can’t fall asleep.  As soon as my head hits that pillow I turn into a different person.

I already feel like I am a few different people, but at night its the worse.  I cry myself to sleep, if I do fall asleep.  I have to sleep in my mom’s bathrobe to make me feel better, with my childhood blanket wrapped in my arms.  I haven’t felt this lost, and broken since you died.  It’s all coming back to me in waves, and I’m sure the pregnancy hormones aren’t helping.

There are so many different sides to me now. I am lost on who i’m supposed to be when and where.

• Angie who’s an advocate for pregnancy loss and talks about her baby all the time, and wants to keep her memory alive
• Angie who is so happy and scare about this pregnancy but too afraid to be truly as happy as she should be
• Angie who worries that if she is on twitter, or having any sort of fun people will mistake this for being ‘better’ when I’m not better and never really will be
• Angie who’s world revolves around Aerosmith so much so she has 7 Aerosmith tattoos on her back including the band members (minus Tom who I hope to get in june - not tattooed obviously but will collect signature for completion of my piece) signatures. Who’s nickname, email address, and twitter handle is aeroangie
• Angie who’s a beavered parent trying to learn how to cope with the loss of her baby without losing focus on the life I should be living
• Angie who just lost her mother a month ago and is completely destroyed

So who am I right now?  Who will I be tomorrow?  People say life has to go on, and I should be happy about my pregnancy and I totally am. However it’s so hard for life to go on.  For me to live life to the fullest like I should, when my heart is so completely empty.

I always say I’m going to live again, but I don’t.  I don’t ever follow through with what I want to do.  I feel like I’m losing friends left and right, because I’m not making any sort of effort to hang out.  My birthday was the perfect example of that.  Years ago there was like 30 people here, all having the best time of their lives, we laughed, drank, and sung songs.  I am sure I’m a hard person to be around, and a real downer, and I’d probably not want to be with me either.  But I miss my friends, and the way things were. 

I have movie passes for the movie What to expect when you are expecting and I can’t find 1 person other than your daddy (who I know doesn’t want to go), to go with me.  It is a movie about pregnancy, and then there is a pregnancy loss in the movie to boot, so I get it.  It will be a trigger for a few people who I would have asked to go, and then there are the people who don’t have kids that won’t enjoy it. So either we go together or we don’t go.  Which means not doing anything again.

It is going to be a long summer, if I don’t get a hobby or win the lotto or something.  I want a cottage, or place to go hang out at least for a few days. Where our dogs can run, and we can fish and swim.  Then we can just hang out by a campfire, and enjoy the outdoors.  I’d even sleep in a tent if we had to.  Maybe I’ll start saving my pennies (oh wait they are getting rid of the penny in Canada) for a nice relaxing weekend. 

Daddy is going to have to start seriously looking for a job now, which means I’ll be alone again every day all day.  Not sure how I feel about this, part of me really wants me time. But also I’m wondering how I can put this time to good use.  I’m defiantly not feeling up to anything challenging, as my diverticulitis is really back in full swing these days.

I started a new novel, and have been thinking about continuing your story at least starting the next chapters from January to now, but not sure if that will bring back too many memories right now.

Going to try to go to bed again, or at least hit the couch.  One of us always ends up on the couch these days which can get really lonely.  At least I can have a nap or sleep the rest of tomorrow after we come back from the OB.

I love you now and forever

Mommy

xxoo

PS I hope this wasn’t too much of a feel sorry for me letter, I didn’t mean it be but sometimes things just all spew out of me…

It’s Tuesday today, and we should be going to our parents grieving the death of their baby group.  But it’s over now and we aren’t.  I am not ever sure how I’ll survive the next little bit without the group.  I feel lost and sad.  I went to my healthy eating group today but that was really difficult and all I did was cry.  We always start out saying our name, when our baby is due and how many children we have.  I usually say I’m due in December and this is my second pregnancy.  However today I said this is my second child, my first one died at 35 weeks.  I really didn’t mean to just blurt it out, but was relived once I did.  There were many new faces today but the ones who had already known were more than supportive.  They hugged me and thanked me for being brave enough to say it out loud.  I mean I talk about you all the time, and everyone knows, BUT I was afraid to worry these expecting moms.  But at the same time it’s like my job to inform them.

At group we would do a check in and say what has happen during the week. This was my fav part, to say what i’m feeling and not have anyone judge me.  To be surrounded by people who got it, and who don’t hate me because I’m expecting my rainbow. (well I hope not anyways after all we have all walked down the same path).  So I might start a check in every Tuesday on my own as a way to reflect.

• We went to Hamilton to the surgeon for daddy to see if he will have the surgery to cure his acid reflex.  Surgeon is leaving it up to him, on if he wants to do it or not.  It does mean a major surgery, and he will never be able to vomit or bump again.
• Had a little scare when we were at the doctors on Thursday and that resulted in a MAJOR meltdown at the hospital in the same room they said you were gone in. 
• Didn’t do anything this weekend other than try to stay cool since it was so hot, wished I would have had the energy to go to a pool or the beach. Jealous of friends who got to go to the beach and the cottage
• Played the lotto (my mom’s numbers) in hopes I will win enough money for a new car, new house, and a vacation. Oh and I’d defiantly help my dad out so he doesn’t have to sell their house.
• Went for a long walk with the dogs around 11:30 at night on Saturday night heard and saw lots of fireworks since it was Victoria day weekend. The dogs didn’t like them at all and Harley was terrified.
• Haven’t been sleeping at all, mostly because of the heat but also just too many things going on in my head been anxious about little bean and can’t wait for my OB appointment on Thursday.
• Read the 50 shades of grey trilogy in less than a week, it was a very naughty mommy type book one that I can’t see being made into a movie because it will be too racy.
• Today went to group, they want to order a few copies of my book I’ve already donated one to them, they want colour copies.
• Now tonight I am going to eat some tacos (if I can keep them down) and go to bed really early. 

I hope we get to have another Ultrasound down next week, I know Thursday the OB wants me to tell her if we are getting genetic testing done. I am going to tell her no, I can’t justify risking this pregnancy with this test. Nothing will change either way so what is the point. I get i’m 36 now (not 38 like I said I was today), but we have both been tested and have no problems (other than my bowel issues).  So I am saying no.  My main concern will be for the babies heart at 20 weeks then the sex, then taking care of my placenta.  I’m blessed to be in the best hands with McMaster (If we ever get to go to my first appointment).

I love you now and forever

Mommy

xxoo

PS can you please give Nana a HUGE hug and kiss for me. I miss her so very very much it hurts…

A year ago yesterday I wrote the following to you:

I’ve been really itching to start your nursery but I know it is way to soon.  Especially because we are not sure if you are going to be a boy baby or a girl baby.  You have four girl cousins right now so either way its going to be special for you.

We got you your first pair of shoes last week, so cute! So tiny!  They are little Nikes.

Mommy is not one to just sit around and wait things out, so this not getting your room ready and not having everything we need for you right now is making me anxious.

Also if you hear me being crazy right now or crying don’t worry nothing is wrong. I’m just feeling emotional.  We get to schedule the ultrasound to see you in a few weeks, and we have decided to do 3D so we will really be able to see every part of you.

It seems like a lifetime ago.  I was so naive thinking that everything would work out.  So much has happen in the year since I started this blog.  I have met some wonderful friends, and held my friends so much closer.

I feel guilty for not wanting to buy Little Bean anything.  Not that there is anything that we need anyways, but still.  I realize I’m only 10 weeks (tomorrow), and have to take things day by day.  It is such a surreal feeling.  I know I’m pregnant , the morning sickness and hormones won’t let me forget. But I feel like I’m tricking myself into believing that its still with you.  That’s so wrong on so many levels.

I really miss my mom, and don’t know how to deal with it.  I sit around the house and don’t do much of anything these days.  The house needs cleaning, and we really should start packing if we are ever going to move. I get up and think I’m going to do something productive today, but never do.  The days are just going by with me not doing anything.  The more I sit around, the more I think.  The more I think, the more I feel.  And I feel sad.  I make wishes and promises I know I’ll never keep.

Today is a hard day for many of my new friends Leia.  Please watch out for JJ and for Justin.  JJ went to Heaven a year ago today, and Justin has been gone for 6 months. 

I love you now and forever

Mommy

xxoo

Hello old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please
Don’t look away
And change the subject
It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people said, “My, she is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me..
My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see,
everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say—
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart. ♥

                

What is a Rainbow Baby? A baby born after the loss of an older child. The beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.