I write of my journey back to light and life after the darkest days I ever knew through letters to my children. Leia watches over her brother Ryder from Heaven. The letters are not magic wands that can bring her back or how I turned tragedy into triumph with the birth of our rainbow baby. It is, however, the truth of what good can happen when you decide that you love someone so much, you just can't say goodbye.

I think he needs more #CuriousGeorge stuffed animals!! Some are actually down stairs in the toy bin…

I think he needs more #CuriousGeorge stuffed animals!! Some are actually down stairs in the toy bin…

Always stop to smell the flowers #park #fall

Always stop to smell the flowers #park #fall

The #bobafett hat we had made for the boy last year finally fits!! #starwars

The #bobafett hat we had made for the boy last year finally fits!! #starwars

12 Steps to Stop Yelling at your Kids

October is a hard month for us. With Leia’s stillbirth *or angelversary whatever you wanna call it* and then Infant, Pregnancy loss awareness day.

I chose not to do anything but light a candle this year. I had planned on going to the nesting instinct with other bereaved moms to light candles. But then we all got colds and I felt too crappy to go.

I think on some level I just didn’t want to go. I wasn’t up for it.  It sounds horrible to even say that but I have to limit the amount of things we can do to honour Leia.  Does this make any sense?

We did the bowling fundraising event with bereaved families on our anniversary. Then The butterfly release and walk to remember in September. Followed by the day we found out she passed at the end of September. Not a day I want to celebrate or remember in any way.

Then on the sixth of October we did the butterfly conservatory during the day for her birthday. Then at night the lantern/balloon release.

Grieving is something I do every single day. In my own way. I have come to realize that i’m not going to ever forget her if we skip an event.

The Tree of Bright Stars is coming up in November. We will buy a star and place it on a tree for Leia.  It will be another hard emotional time.

Next year we will do the butterfly release and then on her birthday go to the conservatory.  I think doing the lanterns on mother’s day might be better.  It is always cold and rainy and we end up sick every year.

I don’t need to be always in grief mode either to show my love for her. It’s not a healthy state to be in.  My face gets numb, my chest hurts, and I have a full blown on panic attack.

Maybe next year I will feel different and really want to do something but this year I just couldn’t even if I was feeling better.

There is always a constant reminder that my 3 year old is not here with us, no amount of events will ever change that. I understand the importance of the 15th of October. I just wish that it wasn’t so close to her birthday.

Actually if i’m wishing for anything it would be she was here with us. RIGHT NOW in person. Sigh.

Mourners Bill of rights. I keep this in my wallet to remind me it’s ok to grieve differently.

Mourners Bill of rights. I keep this in my wallet to remind me it’s ok to grieve differently.

If you know someone who has lost a child and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn’t forget they died. You’re not reminding them. What you’re reminding them of is that you remember that they existed. ~Elizabeth Edwards

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Letters to Leia
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