I write of my journey back to light and life after the darkest days I ever knew through letters to my children. Leia watches over her brother Ryder from Heaven. The letters are not magic wands that can bring her back or how I turned tragedy into triumph with the birth of our rainbow baby. It is, however, the truth of what good can happen when you decide that you love someone so much, you just can't say goodbye.

Dear Ryder

It’s daddy and I s 10 year wedding anniversary today. Nothing really set in stone but we might go to Uptown 21 for supper if we can lock down a sitter.

If not we will go to one if fun with you and then this weekend go out. We have the bereaved families bowling event so that will be fun.

Lots of people coming out including the 8 of us (4 couples) on the team. I haven’t had time to make the shirts yet might have to come up with a different plan.

I’m proud to say we achieved our fundraising goal for just daddy and I. In the end the real winners is BFO. It doesn’t matter if we win for most money collected its all for a good cause.

This week we were busy playing outside with you, going to a Easter party, and an Easter egg hunt.

The party was a lot of fun, Liam, Lilli and Allie were all there. You even got to see Samantha who has grown into a big girl. You had a really nice photo taken with Clifford the big red dog.

We also had a professional photo taken, which I can’t wait to get.

That was Friday during the day, you were very tired by the time we got home and had a long nap. When you got up after a snack we took the bike out to the store, and a walk around the block.

Saturday daddy volunteered at the car seat clinic for most of the day, so you and I hung out. We played with the shapes, read books, and ventured out take for a while.

Sunday it was so beautiful so b we decided to go to a community Easter egg hunt after giving you an Easter basket from the bunny. You were so excited to play with bubbles, nothing else got touched till much later.

At the Easter egg hunt there were a lot of kids there, divided up into age groups. Since they had all the little ones together with four year old it was impossible to get many eggs. But that’s okay, it was fun! You found 4 but gave 3 away to the littler kids around you. Later a big boy came and gave you a few of his.

You saw the Easter bunny gave him kisses and took lots of photos with him. We played on the swings, and the playground until it was time to go.

After you woke from a very long nap, we showed you the star war s Easter eggs daddy made. You found them all over the house and threw them in the spiderman basket. Good thing they were hard boiled!

When you got the basket you said “tank you” which melted my heart. So smart. Now it’s the favorite thing for you to say.

We had a check up at dr M s Today. You said it there too and he heard you. He was amazed at how clear you speak especially when you asked who’s that. He was not concerned that you aren’t walking solo yet at all. He said again you are tall, and not interested in it. But obviously walking isn’t a problem since you were cruising the office using the wall.

He also said your fine moter skills are amazing for your age, which we knew.

Thursday is library school hoping to work on more signing this week.

Love you lots little man

Love mommy

Ps momo isn’t coming in May now something pretty bad has come up and its important for her to stay right now. But we will make plans to go there or she will come at some point.

A Pair Of Shoes


I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these…

Happy Easter 2014

Happy Easter 2014

An artist at work #Easter2014

An artist at work #Easter2014

Happy Easter in Heaven my sweet girl. Xxoo

Happy Easter in Heaven my sweet girl. Xxoo

Dear Ryder,

Friday we took you to the doctor because you still weren’t feeling that great. Of course you being the ham you are walked around the office wearing a mask. Everyone thought it was funny.

The Dr said you had a slight ear infection. We weighed you 26 lbs now! We went to shoppers to get the prescription and you walked behind the shopping cart.

Saturday our friend Rod from up north came to visit. He lives a few hours from here. It’s been a while since we have seen him. It was nice to catch up.

You jumped in his arms right away and loved giving him high fives. we went out to try your bike for the first time. It was a beautiful day and we had lots of fun.

Took a lot of photos with the camera. Sunday we hung out at home played with the new shapes toy.

A few days before you have decided to tell us you are batman. Daddy said in a low voice you were batman and sure enough you started to say it back over and over.

The favorite game to play now it’s where is Ryder. You play peek a boo and put your hands on your eyes.

Sunday night we went to see Logan. Been far too long since we hung out. He’s so cute waving and walking so good.

This Friday we will be going to party with other babies through mom’s town. We haven’t done anything with them either in a long time.

Right now you are having a long nap so I’m trying to catch up on house work.

Love you lots



Watch "Baby says he's batman" on YouTube

Baby says he’s batman:

Dear Ryder

The last few days we have gotten out of the house to enjoy the beautiful spring weather. Nice to open windows and not be couped up!

You were pretty sick all weekend but by Monday just a runny nose. Took you to Lisa’s while we went to hospital. Lorenco was sleeping but woke for a bit before we got there. She sent me photos of you guys playing. Sharing socks and snacks. So cute.

We were at hospital for daddy. He had something done so we won’t have any more babies. Which means you won’t have a living sibling that comes from us. Never know what future holds for adoption or fostering though.

Tuesday was a sad day for mommy. It has been two years since Nana died. I spent the day in my pjs playing with you. Lite a candle wrote some poetry. But I was upset still. I miss her a lot.

Wednesday night we did one is fun and your little friend Oliver was there. We haven’t seen him in a while. You guys played for a while.

We went to the sensory room where we talked with other parents about the walking not walking dilemma. I’m still okay with you not wanting to do it though. You played with a few new friends.

I love that room the most. So many great fun toys in there including educational ones. Mostly IKEA toys too. Your girlfriend (the girl who works there) popped in to see you. You were tired and getting cranky so we left instead of going to music and movement.

Today we had library school. You got to see another friend Alyssa that you haven’t seen in a while too. You guys are the same age give or take a day.

Singing songs and reading books are what we do there. But you sure wanted to be teachers pet. Crawling over to her rocking chair to get close for the story. She brought out balls after and all you babies had a blast.

It was like a mini dodge ball event. You kept losing the red ball but finally got one that turned colours.

I keep wanting to bring you out in the bike but something comes up. Today you took a five hour nap so we didn’t do it. After supper I was going to but it was windy.

Tomorrow I promise! We go to the dollar store every day I swear and I keep forgetting to get sunscreen.

We play a game of peek a boo but it’s where’s Ryder. You put your hands on your face and hide. So cute!

Bought you a shape block since the rings are too easy. Fun to watch you figure it out!

5 weeks till momo comes!

Love you


Dear Ryder,

I love you


Dear Ryder,

I love you


Starting the kid early #Nintendo #want #need

Starting the kid early #Nintendo #want #need

ETCETERA theme by Hrrrthrrr


Letters to Leia
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