I write of my journey back to light and life after the darkest days I ever knew through letters to my children. Leia watches over her brother Ryder from Heaven. The letters are not magic wands that can bring her back or how I turned tragedy into triumph with the birth of our rainbow baby. It is, however, the truth of what good can happen when you decide that you love someone so much, you just can't say goodbye.

grill cheese is like my kryptonite.

grill cheese is like my kryptonite.

(Source: etsy.com, via this--too--shall--pass)

Dear Leia,
When I am upset and having a bad day, people usually tell me not to be. It is the most obscure thing to say. I am tired of hearing that you wouldn’t want me to be upset.
If I wasn’t here right now, I’d want people to remember me. To mourn me, to remember me and love me. I wouldn’t care if people cried every once in a while and was sad.
I like to think it’s the same with you. You know that I love you. That I miss you. That it’s hard to breath sometimes knowing that one minute you were here and then the next you weren’t.
I am so so so happy with your little brother. I love him so much it hurts. I just want to kiss him, and hug him all the time. I breath in his scent and hold him till he wiggles away. I try to cherish every second, and take a zillion photos of him every single day. I over share his life and want everyone to know how perfect he is.
Then I’m sad. So so so incredibly sad that I can’t breath. My chest hurts, my head hurts, my heart aches. I know my body betrayed me. I don’t want to remember because remembering hurts. But don’t want to forget because then that hurts too.
There are times when I look at something and am brought right back to the day I met you in person for the first and last time. I have the slippers and house coat that I bought special for the hospital stay. I know what book was in my purse at the time, which wallet I was using, what colour nail polish I had on, and even what we had for lunch that day. But I can’t remember small things like if I kissed you. Or how long I held you. Did I see your feet? God how is it possible I didn’t even know you had black hair until I look at photos?
There has been more sleepless nights than I care to admit lately. I wonder into Ryder’s room and make sure he is safe. I sit on the floor and have my hand on his chest watching it go up and down. I tuck him in again and again. Then finally retreat back to bed, only to go in and do it again in a few.
I can’t imagine that this year is going to be 3 years. I just don’t understand how it is possible. How have I survived this long? I’m not a strong person, I’m an imposter. I’m a fake. This must not be real life. This must be some sort of test.
I love you so very much Leia. Thank you for watching over Ryder. I hear him at night before he is truly asleep whispering and giggling. I know you guys are having a conversation. I hold my breath and await the day he says your name aloud.
Love Mommy
xxoo

Dear Leia,

When I am upset and having a bad day, people usually tell me not to be. It is the most obscure thing to say. I am tired of hearing that you wouldn’t want me to be upset.

If I wasn’t here right now, I’d want people to remember me. To mourn me, to remember me and love me. I wouldn’t care if people cried every once in a while and was sad.

I like to think it’s the same with you. You know that I love you. That I miss you. That it’s hard to breath sometimes knowing that one minute you were here and then the next you weren’t.

I am so so so happy with your little brother. I love him so much it hurts. I just want to kiss him, and hug him all the time. I breath in his scent and hold him till he wiggles away. I try to cherish every second, and take a zillion photos of him every single day. I over share his life and want everyone to know how perfect he is.

Then I’m sad. So so so incredibly sad that I can’t breath. My chest hurts, my head hurts, my heart aches. I know my body betrayed me. I don’t want to remember because remembering hurts. But don’t want to forget because then that hurts too.

There are times when I look at something and am brought right back to the day I met you in person for the first and last time. I have the slippers and house coat that I bought special for the hospital stay. I know what book was in my purse at the time, which wallet I was using, what colour nail polish I had on, and even what we had for lunch that day. But I can’t remember small things like if I kissed you. Or how long I held you. Did I see your feet? God how is it possible I didn’t even know you had black hair until I look at photos?

There has been more sleepless nights than I care to admit lately. I wonder into Ryder’s room and make sure he is safe. I sit on the floor and have my hand on his chest watching it go up and down. I tuck him in again and again. Then finally retreat back to bed, only to go in and do it again in a few.

I can’t imagine that this year is going to be 3 years. I just don’t understand how it is possible. How have I survived this long? I’m not a strong person, I’m an imposter. I’m a fake. This must not be real life. This must be some sort of test.

I love you so very much Leia. Thank you for watching over Ryder. I hear him at night before he is truly asleep whispering and giggling. I know you guys are having a conversation. I hold my breath and await the day he says your name aloud.

Love Mommy

xxoo

Dear Ryder,
It has been far too long since I wrote to you. This is a good thing, because it means we are busy living life. At the same time, I feel guilty for not putting as much effort into these letters as I used to.
There has been a lot of swimming this month. You finished the lessons last week. It was short but we went twice a week. There was also a trip to Kawanis on the rare nice day we have had.
Lots of days are being spent outside, playing in the yard and at the park. I want to cherish what is left of summer. It has been cold, and rainy here for the last few days. I hope it warms up so we can at least have one beautiful beach day.
We haven’t done anything this summer to really write about. I was really hoping to go to Canada’s Wonderland, The Zoo, African Lion Safari or some place worth seeing. Even the new aquarium would be fun! It just seems like we never have the extra money to do anything.
Last summer we went to Nova Scotia and Texas. This summer we haven’t even left town. Would be nice to get to Texas again soon.
You are now 20 months old. Way closer to 2 than 1. Where has the time gone? It seems like yesterday we were having a first birthday party for you. Now I’m trying to think of something for your second.  Not sure we will do anything huge this time around. I only have 4 more months to plan it though whatever it might be.
Your vocabulary and listening skills has became so much better almost over night. I can ask you a question and for the most part you will answer. You are always listening to our conversations and repeating every single word we say. 
I ask you where something is, and you say ‘right there’. You love to ‘tickle tickle tickle’ and laugh so hard and loud. Sometimes we have giggle laughing fits that will leave you breathless and me in tears. It is the cutest thing ever.
You defiantly want to be with ‘daddyyyyyyyyyyyyy’ all the time and hate when he is not here. It is the first word out of your mouth when you wake up and sometimes the last word before bed. Speaking of bed time. You will not go to sleep for anyone but me.
We do bath (still together), read book, night night kisses, tickles, hugs love you light off night night. But I must walk you to the bed first and tickle you until you crawl under the covers. I wish the bed was bigger i’d curl up and sleep there with you.
We have been working on potty training, but not hardcore or anything. Next month going to get serious about it. Right now you are getting used to things, and the potty itself. We have watched that “ELMO” potty enough times I think you are good to go. No rush though. I’m not anxious for you to grow up.
I love you little man,
Love Mommy
xxoo

Dear Ryder,

It has been far too long since I wrote to you. This is a good thing, because it means we are busy living life. At the same time, I feel guilty for not putting as much effort into these letters as I used to.

There has been a lot of swimming this month. You finished the lessons last week. It was short but we went twice a week. There was also a trip to Kawanis on the rare nice day we have had.

Lots of days are being spent outside, playing in the yard and at the park. I want to cherish what is left of summer. It has been cold, and rainy here for the last few days. I hope it warms up so we can at least have one beautiful beach day.

We haven’t done anything this summer to really write about. I was really hoping to go to Canada’s Wonderland, The Zoo, African Lion Safari or some place worth seeing. Even the new aquarium would be fun! It just seems like we never have the extra money to do anything.

Last summer we went to Nova Scotia and Texas. This summer we haven’t even left town. Would be nice to get to Texas again soon.

You are now 20 months old. Way closer to 2 than 1. Where has the time gone? It seems like yesterday we were having a first birthday party for you. Now I’m trying to think of something for your second.  Not sure we will do anything huge this time around. I only have 4 more months to plan it though whatever it might be.

Your vocabulary and listening skills has became so much better almost over night. I can ask you a question and for the most part you will answer. You are always listening to our conversations and repeating every single word we say.

I ask you where something is, and you say ‘right there’. You love to ‘tickle tickle tickle’ and laugh so hard and loud. Sometimes we have giggle laughing fits that will leave you breathless and me in tears. It is the cutest thing ever.

You defiantly want to be with ‘daddyyyyyyyyyyyyy’ all the time and hate when he is not here. It is the first word out of your mouth when you wake up and sometimes the last word before bed. Speaking of bed time. You will not go to sleep for anyone but me.

We do bath (still together), read book, night night kisses, tickles, hugs love you light off night night. But I must walk you to the bed first and tickle you until you crawl under the covers. I wish the bed was bigger i’d curl up and sleep there with you.

We have been working on potty training, but not hardcore or anything. Next month going to get serious about it. Right now you are getting used to things, and the potty itself. We have watched that “ELMO” potty enough times I think you are good to go. No rush though. I’m not anxious for you to grow up.

I love you little man,

Love Mommy

xxoo

(Source: astrology-gifs, via walruswidow)

(Source: walruswidow)

79,310

It is crazy to think that this blog has been viewed almost 80,000 times.

Thank you! I haven’t been feeling very creative as of late, but that is going to change.

Working on a few stories right now, and one big novel. I know I have been asked a few times to write “Dear Ryder” and publish it, so this will be my 2015 goal. Promise.

Lots of love to each and everyone of you who care!

(Source: walruswidow, via foreverlovedforevermissed)

The Fosters is an American family drama television series that airs on the ABC Family network in the United States and ABC Spark in Canada. The series follows the lives of the titular Foster family, consisting of an interracial lesbian couple (portrayed by Teri Polo and Sherri Saum) raising a blended family of biological, adopted and foster children (portrayed by David Lambert, Maia Mitchell, Jake T. Austin, Cierra Ramirez, and Hayden Byerly).
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fosters_%282013_TV_series%29
I am a sucker for abc family shows. Not going to lie. I love me some PLL (Pretty little liars), Switched at birth, Chasing life (which is actually really really good), Melissa and Joey, The Fosters and so on.
Usually I’m pretty quite about these shows. Not really admitting to people other than one of my best friends, that I watch it. We always talk about it, then say “not that I watch that show or anything”.
I accidentally spoiled The Fosters Episode 6 Season 2 for her last week. I was crying pretty bad, and very angry with the way the show ended. Here is a really good family drama that makes for good television. It’s not been done to death, and I generally like the characters. *well for the most part, because this new blond look Mariana is sporting and attitude isn’t doing anything for her likeability factor.*
This episode was titled Mother. But it should have been titled “we will rip your heart out and then never talk about it again”. Or something like that.
From the second Lena had the dream about the baby, I just KNEW something bad was going to happen. In fact, I said to my husband “they are going to kill the baby”. They being the writers not Stef and Lena.
I had really high hopes that if they did miscarry the baby then maybe they would at least show it. This sounds worse than I mean it to. I don’t mean show it in graphic detail, but show the raw emotion and reality of the tragedy.
I actually don’t even know if they explained what happened. I know Lena went into some sort of shock, and then they delivered the baby? Or did they? So they had a stillbirth. Did they have a funeral? Was the tree planting at the end a service? I’m still confused. I was crying too damn hard though to pay attention.
I am not sure why they chose to ‘write’ the baby out of the story like this. Unless they are going to show what REALLY happens after someone has a stillborn baby then why bother?
I pray that they will continue the story line, and have Lena depressed at least. Have them talk about the baby a lot. It can’t just be ‘oh well it happened now we are over it’ or I’ll feel cheated.
When I watch these fluff shows, I want to loose myself in the mind numbingness, I don’t want to over think. And I sure shit don’t want to cry. But every once in a while I don’t mind being entertained by a good story line. This show usually delivers that, and this episode was an excellent one for emotions. It just didn’t seem to fit.
Jude goes from not talking to all of a sudden giving this heart felt speech at the end? 
There was some pretty far fetched stuff going on in the episode which didn’t really didn’t sit well with me. Trying to make light of the baby dying by seeing a little girl hand her a unicorn with the same name of the baby they lost was too hokey.
In the end I’ll keep watching The Fosters.

The Fosters is an American family drama television series that airs on the ABC Family network in the United States and ABC Spark in Canada. The series follows the lives of the titular Foster family, consisting of an interracial lesbian couple (portrayed by Teri Polo and Sherri Saum) raising a blended family of biological, adopted and foster children (portrayed by David Lambert, Maia Mitchell, Jake T. Austin, Cierra Ramirez, and Hayden Byerly).

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fosters_%282013_TV_series%29

I am a sucker for abc family shows. Not going to lie. I love me some PLL (Pretty little liars), Switched at birth, Chasing life (which is actually really really good), Melissa and Joey, The Fosters and so on.

Usually I’m pretty quite about these shows. Not really admitting to people other than one of my best friends, that I watch it. We always talk about it, then say “not that I watch that show or anything”.

I accidentally spoiled The Fosters Episode 6 Season 2 for her last week. I was crying pretty bad, and very angry with the way the show ended. Here is a really good family drama that makes for good television. It’s not been done to death, and I generally like the characters. *well for the most part, because this new blond look Mariana is sporting and attitude isn’t doing anything for her likeability factor.*

This episode was titled Mother. But it should have been titled “we will rip your heart out and then never talk about it again”. Or something like that.

From the second Lena had the dream about the baby, I just KNEW something bad was going to happen. In fact, I said to my husband “they are going to kill the baby”. They being the writers not Stef and Lena.

I had really high hopes that if they did miscarry the baby then maybe they would at least show it. This sounds worse than I mean it to. I don’t mean show it in graphic detail, but show the raw emotion and reality of the tragedy.

I actually don’t even know if they explained what happened. I know Lena went into some sort of shock, and then they delivered the baby? Or did they? So they had a stillbirth. Did they have a funeral? Was the tree planting at the end a service? I’m still confused. I was crying too damn hard though to pay attention.

I am not sure why they chose to ‘write’ the baby out of the story like this. Unless they are going to show what REALLY happens after someone has a stillborn baby then why bother?

I pray that they will continue the story line, and have Lena depressed at least. Have them talk about the baby a lot. It can’t just be ‘oh well it happened now we are over it’ or I’ll feel cheated.

When I watch these fluff shows, I want to loose myself in the mind numbingness, I don’t want to over think. And I sure shit don’t want to cry. But every once in a while I don’t mind being entertained by a good story line. This show usually delivers that, and this episode was an excellent one for emotions. It just didn’t seem to fit.

Jude goes from not talking to all of a sudden giving this heart felt speech at the end? 

There was some pretty far fetched stuff going on in the episode which didn’t really didn’t sit well with me. Trying to make light of the baby dying by seeing a little girl hand her a unicorn with the same name of the baby they lost was too hokey.

In the end I’ll keep watching The Fosters.

Watching you tube videos of @aerosmith found this fan made one..and one of my #concert photos from #Toronto is in it. Weirddddd

Watching you tube videos of @aerosmith found this fan made one..and one of my #concert photos from #Toronto is in it. Weirddddd

It’s summer right??? Brrrrrrr #aerosmith

It’s summer right??? Brrrrrrr #aerosmith

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Letters to Leia
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