I write of my journey back to light and life after the darkest days I ever knew through letters to my children. Leia watches over her brother Ryder from Heaven. The letters are not magic wands that can bring her back or how I turned tragedy into triumph with the birth of our rainbow baby. It is, however, the truth of what good can happen when you decide that you love someone so much, you just can't say goodbye.

(via zodiacmind)

#RAOK dropping magazines off at my Dr office..

#RAOK dropping magazines off at my Dr office..

we need this

we need this

#regram all the cousins finally together! Baby Caiden in @sondra_dnae tummy too..

#regram all the cousins finally together! Baby Caiden in @sondra_dnae tummy too..

#RAOK gave the people behind me my cart with the quarter in it, and carried my stuff instead.

Left coupons around the store for items that were on sale that toilet paper will only be 2.99 for the lucky person who finds it!

Great pay it forward day :)

#RAOK gave the people behind me my cart with the quarter in it, and carried my stuff instead.

Left coupons around the store for items that were on sale that toilet paper will only be 2.99 for the lucky person who finds it!

Great pay it forward day :)

#RAOK left chalk again today at #ourpark

#RAOK left chalk again today at #ourpark

Dear Ryder,
I have been feeling very emotional obviously because we are coming up on the 3rd year of your sister’s angelversary. The anxiety has been doing weird things to my lips, and face or so I thought. But it might actually be hay fever or some allergies.  Regardless the numb feeling that I get when I’m having a panic attack has been coming and going.
Not a good sign of the things to come, but this year I’m prepared.  I am seeing our family doctor on Monday and going to get in the right mind frame.
A few night ago you and I were just hanging out in our bedroom on the bed.  You like laying back on all the pillows and reading.  I was tickling you, and you couldn’t stop laughing. Then If I stopped you would start to tickle yourself and say ‘tickle tickle funny mommy’. It was so adorable I just started to cry.
I held you for a long time in a giant hug and gave you so many kisses you didn’t know what to make of it.  But you kissed me back ,and held my face in your hands looking at me.  I took my glasses off and we stared at each other for a long time.  I was still crying but in a good way.
I just can’t believe you are my son.  I love you so very much.  It doesn’t seem possible to love someone unconditionally. Sure I love daddy, but this is different.  You are a part of me.
Every time you say or do something new, I say “how does he know this?” which I need to stop saying. You amaze me every day and I shouldn’t be surprised by now on how fast you pick up on things.  You are going to be one of those kids who excels at everything.
I’m not just saying that because you are my son, everyone who meets you comments on it.  That you are going to be an engineer, or electioneer, or doctor or gymnast, or lately even a rocker lol.  You love to beat the drums and we all know how you can scream *in a good happy way*.
Gymnastics on Saturday was a lot of fun, but I’ll write more about it another day when I can think more clearly.
I love you

Mommy
xxoo

Dear Ryder,

I have been feeling very emotional obviously because we are coming up on the 3rd year of your sister’s angelversary. The anxiety has been doing weird things to my lips, and face or so I thought. But it might actually be hay fever or some allergies.  Regardless the numb feeling that I get when I’m having a panic attack has been coming and going.

Not a good sign of the things to come, but this year I’m prepared.  I am seeing our family doctor on Monday and going to get in the right mind frame.

A few night ago you and I were just hanging out in our bedroom on the bed.  You like laying back on all the pillows and reading.  I was tickling you, and you couldn’t stop laughing. Then If I stopped you would start to tickle yourself and say ‘tickle tickle funny mommy’. It was so adorable I just started to cry.

I held you for a long time in a giant hug and gave you so many kisses you didn’t know what to make of it.  But you kissed me back ,and held my face in your hands looking at me.  I took my glasses off and we stared at each other for a long time.  I was still crying but in a good way.

I just can’t believe you are my son.  I love you so very much.  It doesn’t seem possible to love someone unconditionally. Sure I love daddy, but this is different.  You are a part of me.

Every time you say or do something new, I say “how does he know this?” which I need to stop saying. You amaze me every day and I shouldn’t be surprised by now on how fast you pick up on things.  You are going to be one of those kids who excels at everything.

I’m not just saying that because you are my son, everyone who meets you comments on it.  That you are going to be an engineer, or electioneer, or doctor or gymnast, or lately even a rocker lol.  You love to beat the drums and we all know how you can scream *in a good happy way*.

Gymnastics on Saturday was a lot of fun, but I’ll write more about it another day when I can think more clearly.

I love you

Mommy

xxoo

Watching Adventures in Babysitting on #netflix

Watching Adventures in Babysitting on #netflix

My husbands #hywl keychains for Leia.. Love this organization will be donating to them…

My husbands #hywl keychains for Leia.. Love this organization will be donating to them…

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