I write of my journey back to light and life after the darkest days I ever knew through letters to my children. Leia watches over her brother Ryder from Heaven. The letters are not magic wands that can bring her back or how I turned tragedy into triumph with the birth of our rainbow baby. It is, however, the truth of what good can happen when you decide that you love someone so much, you just can't say goodbye.

mtvother:

The Wicked Witch of the West doing the Ice Bucket Challenge.

(via withfeelings-its-better)

Dear Ryder,
We went to see ‘The Goonies’ at the theater tonight.  Every so often they release a old movie back for one night only.
I really wanted to bring you to see it, and experience the joys of one of my favourite movies.   It came out in 1985. I was 9.  I don’t remember going to see it but know that as soon as it came out on VHS I watched it. Then when we could afford it (VHS movies were in the hundreds of dollars at the time), I begged my parents to buy it for me.
Now of course we have it on VHS, DVD, Blu Ray and a big huge box set with a treasure map. But I had to go see it on the big screen. 
Taking you was a mistake.  You are NOT old enough or patient enough to sit that long. This made for a crappy night out for me and daddy.  Not going to lie, I even thought about leaving at one point.
Luckily daddy read my mind, and before I could throw in the towel, he walked around with you.  This kept you entertained for a while, and when you saw the Goonies slide down the water slide to get to the ship, you cheered “Water”.
Even danced when Cyndi Lauper’s song came on a few times. 

The Goonies was a red-blooded adventure movie about a group of friends who undertook a dangerous quest to find a legendary pirate treasure and save their homes, starring a charismatic ensemble of child and teenage stars, including Sean Astin (Lord of the Rings), Josh Brolin (No Country For Old Men), and Corey Feldman (who was at the height of his childhood fame).

I wish there were more movies like this for you to grow up with.  These days there are too many movies with a lot of swearing and nudity. Not to mention the violence. I heard the Ninja Turtles movie was pretty valguar and had a lot of jokes not made for kids.
I guess we will have to stick to watching movies at home, or get a sitter next time we want a night out. 
At least you liked the popcorn and juice box just fine and when we got in you went straight to sleep.
Love you
Mommy
xxoo

"I will never betray my goon dock friends / We will stick together until the whole world ends / Through heaven and hell, and nuclear war / Good pals like us, will stick like tar / In the city, or the country, or the forest, or the boonies / I am proudly declared a fellow Goony."

Dear Ryder,

We went to see ‘The Goonies’ at the theater tonight.  Every so often they release a old movie back for one night only.

I really wanted to bring you to see it, and experience the joys of one of my favourite movies.   It came out in 1985. I was 9.  I don’t remember going to see it but know that as soon as it came out on VHS I watched it. Then when we could afford it (VHS movies were in the hundreds of dollars at the time), I begged my parents to buy it for me.

Now of course we have it on VHS, DVD, Blu Ray and a big huge box set with a treasure map. But I had to go see it on the big screen. 

Taking you was a mistake.  You are NOT old enough or patient enough to sit that long. This made for a crappy night out for me and daddy.  Not going to lie, I even thought about leaving at one point.

Luckily daddy read my mind, and before I could throw in the towel, he walked around with you.  This kept you entertained for a while, and when you saw the Goonies slide down the water slide to get to the ship, you cheered “Water”.

Even danced when Cyndi Lauper’s song came on a few times. 

The Goonies was a red-blooded adventure movie about a group of friends who undertook a dangerous quest to find a legendary pirate treasure and save their homes, starring a charismatic ensemble of child and teenage stars, including Sean Astin (Lord of the Rings), Josh Brolin (No Country For Old Men), and Corey Feldman (who was at the height of his childhood fame).

I wish there were more movies like this for you to grow up with.  These days there are too many movies with a lot of swearing and nudity. Not to mention the violence. I heard the Ninja Turtles movie was pretty valguar and had a lot of jokes not made for kids.

I guess we will have to stick to watching movies at home, or get a sitter next time we want a night out. 

At least you liked the popcorn and juice box just fine and when we got in you went straight to sleep.

Love you

Mommy

xxoo

"I will never betray my goon dock friends / We will stick together until the whole world ends / Through heaven and hell, and nuclear war / Good pals like us, will stick like tar / In the city, or the country, or the forest, or the boonies / I am proudly declared a fellow Goony."

Dear Leia,

Right now there is a popular app *application* that people are downloading called Time Hop (or something like this - I deleted it too quickly to care about the name). I try not to jump on the what’s popular today ban wagon, but this one caught my attention.

Sure who wouldn’t want to know what life was like a few years back? What a silly thought. Life sure was different.  My first day with it, I got emailed a photo from facebook of me and your dad.  At our pregnancy shoot.  Pregnant with you.

There were a few more photos mostly of the time BEFORE. Before we knew what grief really felt like.  Before I knew that I could survive such a tremendous tragedy but feel guilty about it.

I just couldn’t stand to go to day two. Although I deleted it from my phone, it still appeared in emails.  There was a few photos of me and my mom, and a status update about the day we went to your 3d Ultrasound.

This made me come back here and re-read the letter I wrote to you:

Aug 7/11

Dear Leia

Wow you are so beautiful words, can describe how much we love you. It was defiantly the most amazing thing seeing you before you were born in such depth.

Your face is adorable , you have beautiful lips already and chubby cheeks. Not sure if you had hair yet but your hands and feet are long!

Speaking of your feet, what’s up with you sucking on them? At one point in the 3d Ultrasound you were actually holding on to your feet with your hands . Your Momo said that your daddy did this too, probably since your legs are so long.

I am sorry about the music that we played during the ultrasound. I thought it would be sweet and special. Turns out you are a little rocker already and was bored (hence the yawning throughout it) with the lullaby music. Even if it was Aerosmith, Tool, Metallica and Guns n Roses! I guess you prefer the real thing with lyrics. Don’t worry next week I will start playing that for you and also trying to teach you how to speak other languages.

We now know 100 percent you are a girl so welcome to the world of Star Wars Leia Sky :)

I was very nervous that day.  I was afraid that there was something wrong with you.  I asked the lady not to start recording right away. It’s crazy to know this now, because that day when I called the midwife I had the same bad feeling.
There will never be another daughter named Leia in our family.  The name is yours and yours alone.  If we ever adopt a child, or foster a baby and she ‘s a girl there will be no star wars names.
Maybe this is why Ryder wasn’t named Luke.  I just couldn’t take it.  You are our one and only Leia.

We are coming up year 3. As September creeps in, and the butterfly release nears closer, I realize that it’s almost October.

I have the urge to go back and re-read every single letter I wrote to you before this day.  To see if there is anything I could have done different. Said to you, added to these letters.  There isn’t very many and for this I am ashamed.

Had I known that even though I went into that ultrasound room a happy pregnant woman, I’d leave a lost bitter jaded bereaved mother, I would have done it all different.

I’d do a lot of things different to tell you the truth, but there is nothing I can do but sit here and cry.  Cry for you, cry for your brother, for my mom in Heaven, for my father in law who joined you last year.

Cry for every single baby that hasn’t had a chance to walk this earth, and for those who did but not for very long.

Life is a mystery to me Leia.  I wake up every day, and try to embrace the future.  I put on my smiley face and live each second for your brother. 

I love you so much

Mommy

xxoo

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Beautiful day out! Summer has arrived lol.

#PSL on a hot day?!! #starbucks

#PSL on a hot day?!! #starbucks

This is a more realistic view of my life right now.  I should have bought this book.
I think I would have used it lol.

This is a more realistic view of my life right now.  I should have bought this book.

I think I would have used it lol.

thejoysofjess:

I saw another person I follow here talking about carseats and rearfacing and noticed she had a LOT of comments saying people “had” to turn their children because they were “too big” because their legs could touch the backseat.

So I’m going to take this time to soapbox real quick. You should keep your babies rearfacing for as long as humanly possible. In fact, YOU as an adult would be safer rearfacing.

A baby whose feet touch the back of the seat has NOT outgrown their carseat rearfacing. It is perfectly safe for his feet to touch. It is perfectly safe for him to be seated in a cross-legged position rearfacing. Your baby is MORE likely to break a leg forwardfacing than he is to break a leg rearfacing, even if his legs have to bend to sit in the seat. In fact, broken legs are the #1 injury in forward-facing kids.

The cheapest carseat in the US is $40, the Cosco Scenara and it’s available at Walmart. It will rearface your child until 35lbs. Except for the rare huge kid, that’s going to get your baby to age two. You do not need to spend a lot of money to keep your baby safer.

You can read more here.

And while I’m on my soapbox, here’s 10 common carseat mistakes. Please make sure you aren’t making one. And it’s winter, so please remember that it is extremely unsafe to buckle your baby in with a big puffy jacket on. Fleece only.

(via rawritsamehh)

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